tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74621299813068346642024-01-31T07:15:31.646-05:00Middle Age ManiaThe funny and not so funny ramblings of a woman fighting back middle age.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger420125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-41848231287626226112020-01-27T22:03:00.001-05:002020-01-27T22:03:39.527-05:00Is Anybody Out There? Life has certainly had some major changes. I last posted about 4 years ago. I wonder if anyone stumbles upon my blog anymore.<br />
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One of my biggest posts was about turning 38. Well now I'm about to turn 50 and I don't know why 38 seemed so bad?<br />
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My husbands MS has progressed to where he is like a 6'4" toddler in a wheelchair, supervision required and tantrums are part of day to day life.<br />
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Maybe I'll start talking again? Lord knows I have plenty to say.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-79608835135703979792016-04-23T12:03:00.001-04:002016-04-23T12:03:33.500-04:00Still alive...So the day of my last post was a day my life changed. I noticed that evening that my husband was not talking much at all and I tried to get him talking to see if he was just choosing to be quieter than normal or if he really was having an issue. Of course it was an issue. We got an emergency neuro appt the next day and they started treating him with IV steroids and planning for a weeklong stay at a specialty unit in the Syracuse VA. <br />
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Long story short - I did get a part in the musical and I had to turn it down and bow out completely because that week my life changed significantly as I became full time caregiver to my husband whose MS had definitely gotten much worse. <br />
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I am now blogging at "www.marriedtothemonster.com" although not very regularly there either. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-6839181713710574532014-09-08T10:55:00.001-04:002014-09-08T10:55:59.119-04:00Coming into myselfWho would have thought that finally in my forties I'd start to feel comfortable in my own skin? That I'd lose some inhibition and go for things I want? Well I never would have predicted it but so far in 2014 I have sang and danced in the musical Aida with a great cast. Me? Dancing? On a STAGE? in front of an AUDIENCE? Well it happened for real! This is me, in the center right under the guy standing up on a platform in the back.<br />
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And I have worked on 3 short films so far in 2014, as an actor in one of them and Producer on all of them. One more to go and I will be acting and producing in that one as well. I have an IMDB page - for real! :) My <a href="http://www.imdb.com/name/nm5930270/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1" target="_blank">IMDB page is HERE</a>!<br />
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And yesterday I actually auditioned for a lead part in a musical. I was nervous and felt a bit silly trying out (many, many child parts and I was the only adult who auditioned yesterday more tonight). BUT I nailed it, I really did. My singing was right on the money and I read for the part I wanted and did very, very well I believe. So now I am hoping no one better shows up for tonight's auditions. I want this part, yes I really, really do. <br />
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So yes the things that most people are doing in their 20's finding themselves and expressing themselves and being all artistic, well I'm doing it now. In my 20's I was too busy working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet to be artistic. <br />
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Don't worry if I get the part you will know for sure as I will shout it from the mountaintops to anyone who will listen. :) Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-69736192147000960292014-08-18T19:15:00.000-04:002014-08-18T19:15:22.740-04:00Running away from it all...So my new blog is up and running and really starting to take shape - very focused on MS and living with a spouse with MS at least for now. But I still have this blog and I don't really want to walk away from 6 years and hundreds of posts. <br />
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Middle age has not been so kind, let me tell you menopause is a cruel, cruel joke that mother nature plays on us women. I used to long for it to be over - menopause meant the stopping of the monthly torture right? Well yes eventually I suppose it does but first it means months and years of irritability, hot flashes, having to pee 5 times a night, never getting a good nights sleep, did I say irritability? <br />
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Yes thank you so much mother nature for cursing us women all the way around. <br />
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I do want to run away from it all some days - but lately my dreams of running away involve an RV and some luxury along the way. Maybe I'll start a road trip one of these days and meet some of my internet friends along the way. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-84420593249412781182014-08-07T00:34:00.000-04:002014-08-07T00:34:21.260-04:00Introducing....Over the years I have used this blog for many things, talking about MS, talking about marriage, talking about turning 38, 39, 40.... I have whined, laughed, bitched, complained and more. I am not abandoning completely but I feel I've lost my passion for this site.<br />
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I have started a new blog - will be much more focused and as such is titled after one of my most read blog posts here entitled Married to the MonSter. It will be all about marriage to someone with MS and the many meanings that can have. <br />
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I have not really fleshed it all out but please feel free to follow me there, especially if my MS posts were the ones that interested you. <br />
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My new URL is <a href="http://www.marriedtothemonster.com/">www.marriedtothemonster.com</a> I hope some of you will join me there. <br />
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Thank you! <br />
TriciaUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-8780545492213048152014-04-09T21:27:00.002-04:002014-04-09T21:27:50.440-04:00Do What You Love, Love What You Do....I keep seeing variations on this theme everywhere. Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live - well you get the idea.<br />
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The problem - I can't. <br />
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The Life I Love? Would not include dementia and giving up on any hope of a career. <br />
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Love What You Do? Well I guess I can be proud of what I do - take care of my husband, advocate for his needs, make sure that he gets everything he needs and deserves. But do I love it? I can think of things I'd love more than being yelled at and taken for granted. Many, many things. <br />
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Live the Life you Love - Love the Life You Live - well if you can do that I guess go for it. <br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-7127838662980477482014-03-19T23:50:00.000-04:002014-03-19T23:50:01.057-04:00Going back to my roots - or going full circle? Things have gotten to the point that I just feel trapped. I feel betrayed, lonely and trapped. I'm not sure how to address this and I keep wanting to go back to my roots, back to the days when I went to church regularly, when I prayed prayers that were not just pleading for mercy, when I felt part of a community, and felt love from a group. When I believed that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I sure can't think this was the plan and I'm sure that somewhere along the line I deviated from the plan and got sent off into this alternate reality. I don't know I've gone round and round with this, fate versus destiny versus luck (or lack of luck) and I keep wanting to go back to the place that made me the girl I was 20+ years ago before I took this crazy path.<br />
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I guess I'm looking for someone to help me make the best of my current situation, to support me in the life I have now and to give me some hope. <br />
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So next Sunday I'll be setting foot in church, specifically the church I used to be a member of, where I taught Sunday School and directed the choir and sang solos on Sunday morning. The church I left in 1995 when I chose that horrible guy that led me astray over the life I thought I was meant to live at the time. Many additional choices past that one lead me to where I am today and yet I feel going back to this place, and these people may be the place to start healing some of this pain. <br />
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I know it won't change my situation - a husband with dementia who takes his frustration at the world out on me - but perhaps it can change the only thing that I control - my reaction to his abuse, my heart. <br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-47773988415187772142014-03-03T22:15:00.001-05:002014-03-03T22:15:02.206-05:00What does true depression feel like? I'm tired all the time, no motivation, no energy, no excitement. Hard to get myself out of bed and dressed and actually doing anything most days. I get up when I have to, I go places when I have to, I eat when I'm hungry. <br />
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I have spurts of excitement here and there, a movie wrap party a few days of filming on some new material, some time with the kids. <br />
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But it comes back to being tired, sick of cold and winter, hibernating, sleeping all day. <br />
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Something has to break soon. Hopefully not my last thread of sanity.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-52555730352476553262014-02-02T23:19:00.000-05:002014-02-02T23:19:23.518-05:00Sad tonight...Something happened while at the super bowl party at my work tonight. I'm not sure what. My husband was hanging out with some people who were customers, and they seemed to be getting on famously. They chatted for hours and then he said something that offended them. I don't know what it was. But they left, they had planned to stay through the game but they left around the end of the 3rd quarter and went home. The husband came back to get a pizza they had ordered to go and I tried to apologize (even though I did not know what was said) and I tried to explain that my husband has dementia and is mentally ill. This man was like a stone, he told me I just want my pizza and he walked out. <br />
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I went in the bathroom and cried. And I cried on the way home (we had driven separately so husband does not know I cried). And I'm crying now. <br />
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I don't know why this situation has me so upset, but it does. I don't like that he hurt strangers with his words, and I don't like that they were angry with me too by association. And I feel like maybe I'm going to have to start keeping him away from the public or expect to do a whole lot more apologizing. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-53420652693600733812013-10-25T14:11:00.000-04:002013-10-25T14:11:16.351-04:00Still here, still hanging on...Marriage counseling is brutal, not sure if it is going to help or if it is going to make me want to run. The things that are coming out are horrible, bad feelings and arguments and it just doesn't feel productive. The therapist is just an intern, she is working on her master's and she is young and never married. Not sure she really has any insight for us but she does try to keep things on track and not let it get too ugly. <br />
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I probably need to get my own therapist but so far I'm making do with this one, he listens well, never contradicts me and will lick away my tears to hide the evidence. <br />
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I am also spending a lot of time becoming very domesticated. No not cleaning although I need to spend more time doing that but I have canned peaches, made quarts and quarts of tomato sauce that I canned and finally made and canned applesauce. <br />
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I am quilting up a storm, sewing is relaxing and keeps my hands busy.<br />
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I scour pintrist for projects and for the most part am fairly successful at the things I try to do but I have never had a talent at decorating cakes. Just doesn't work out for me and I follow the instructions to a T and still I have this:<br />
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Ah well this cake is for my friend Marcia's birthday - she will appreciate the deliciousness of it even though it looks like a sad excuse for what it was supposed to be. </div>
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So I'm soldiering on, some days are better than others. </div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-91323498745565377592013-09-20T09:50:00.002-04:002013-09-20T09:50:43.147-04:00Not too optimistic today...I got rid of the "other woman" she took my email warning her to back off to heart and she blocked my husband from her facebook page. He also sent her a message saying he couldn't talk to her "as much" uh ya think? But she is out of the picture. <br />
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Today we start with a therapist together. His psychologist put in the referral. I'm not really hopeful because he tells people things like "we are going to marriage counseling and if it works, okay and if not I'm going to Ohio." Sounds like he has no plans to work on anything. I imagine he expects the therapist to tell me what I need to do to be a better wife and he will get to sit back and agree. I don't think he has any idea what will actually happen in there and how bad it can be because I plan to tell the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH and nothing but THE TRUTH. So it will be emotional, and he will NOT be looking like any kind of saint. <br />
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The person we are meeting with is the Psych Intern for the VA not a seasoned therapist. I don't think she is ready for us, but I guess we'll see. It is worth a shot. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-80578104079546122912013-09-14T14:22:00.000-04:002013-09-20T09:51:14.806-04:00Because you matter too...One of my husband's healthcare providers (a social worker in one of his clinics) gave me a hug on Wednesday when I sorely needed one and told me that it was because I matter too.<br />
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It's nice to hear this once in awhile, she is a great person for always noticing me and what I'm feeling. Down is what I was feeling Wed, very down. Her attention helped. <br />
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His illness is all consuming. It has taken over every part of our life, my life. He wants people to see him for who he used to be and not who he has become so he lies. He talks to old high school friends and he lies. He has inappropriate conversations with other women and he lies. <br />
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I know I'm here day in and day out and he can't lie to me about his illness or it's severity so he seeks others who don't know and he tries to make himself feel like he used to because they don't know or understand that he is not at all who he used to be. <br />
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The latest instance was with a friend he had from high school, a woman of course. Some chatting got way out of hand in my opinion. I know and understand his illness and that impulse control is nearly zero for him. What I want to know is why she went along with it? She is supposedly in a relationship and happy and she KNOWS he is married, happy or not you don't go there with someone else's husband, not if you have any class that is. Maybe it's just me being pissed off, but I have spent the last 4 days writing a letter to let her know she has been played, and that I have caught her out and that I am NOT amused and wish her to just drop off the face of the earth. <br />
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Somehow not finding the nerve to push send right now. But I will, yep I am going to tell this woman to BACK OFF my husband, or maybe I'll offer to drop him and his dirty laundry and many problems off on her doorstep, that is if she really wants him so bad? Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-18132119719013331892013-07-13T21:33:00.001-04:002013-07-13T21:33:35.690-04:00And the bad news is....Despite a fairly long period of no major changes in my husband's disease state it has become apparent that his MS has begun progressing again. He had been switched from a diagnosis of Relapsing/Remitting to Secondary Progressive. This was not unexpected and in fact the lack of major relapses has been a blessing for approx 5 years. However he has weakened considerably in the last few months and his last neurology consult showed that he has no feeling in his right leg, he cannot differentiate between hot and cold and feels nothing when pricked with a pin. It's a good thing we got the hand controls on his truck several months back as that leg is not very strong on reflex either. <br />
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MRI's have been scheduled and follow up visits planned. And a chain of worrying has started in my brain. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-52853374842830299462013-04-09T22:31:00.001-04:002013-04-09T22:31:58.899-04:00Exercise in Futility...My husband is negative, always negative. He will focus on the things that piss him off rather than the good times every time. <br />
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He just got back from 8 days all expenses paid in Aspen, CO where he got to ski and kayak and scuba dive and spend time with other veterans. I have to drag out of him the fun things he did, but he will readily tell me about the other veteran on his team who pissed him off and what a bitch he thinks she is. <br />
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If you ask him about our cruise in 2011, he will not mention the great times, the swimming with dolphins, the money he won playing poker, the great shows we saw. Nope he won't talk about those things at all. He will tell you about the kids who ran in front of his chair without watching where they were going and the little girl who screamed in his ear at the buffet one night. <br />
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Today we went to see a friend for lunch. Originally it was just me and the friend but I was feeling generous and took him along. As soon as we got there he was complaining about all the slow drivers, then as we are trying to converse he's telling her about how my brother in law (that she doesn't even know) pissed him off last night over something really ridiculously stupid. <br />
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I SNAPPED - "STOP COMPLAINING" I said "All you ever do is complain, complain, complain, you are the most negative person I know and it's driving me CRAZY"<br />
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This was of course the WRONG thing to do but everyone has their breaking point and I had reached mine. I wanted to spend time with my friend being positive and friendly and not bitching about people she doesn't even know. <br />
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He went nuts of course, stood up and stormed out after yelling loudly at me in the restaurant that we were headed for divorce. I called his bluff and said - "FINE file the damn papers already" and he starts to leave but goes and gets a to go container to take his food, then comes back to pack it up and we talked him into staying. I did apologize to my friend for snapping and starting the mess. She understands and certainly doesn't blame me. In fact she has told me many times that she could not/would not do what I'm doing.<br />
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Ever since, I'm still a bit shook up by it. Him? He's acting like nothing ever happened. Isn't dementia fun?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-51124438799271620632013-03-27T10:10:00.001-04:002013-03-27T10:10:13.387-04:00Let it go...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-36318273824212563732013-03-20T23:13:00.000-04:002013-03-20T23:17:02.811-04:00Promises broken...I know that his disease really does affect his thinking. I know he has dementia and cannot always help the things he says and the things he does. <br />
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Part of me can forgive him over and over and over for the same offenses. <br />
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Part of me dies a little inside with each new lie, each promise broken. <br />
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Part of me wishes walking away were an option.<br />
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Part of me wishes that I could make him feel just a fraction of the pain he makes me feel. <br />
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But it's a disease. And it isn't in me to do the things he does over and over just to get even. <br />
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And it isn't in me to leave.<br />
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Today I don't like him very much at all.<br />
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And despite it all I still love him.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-44478386885214903462013-02-28T00:41:00.000-05:002013-02-28T00:43:18.761-05:00Do you believe in angels? I definitely do but tonight I got to experience my guardian angel in action. I think she came with my car. :) My car used to belong to my mother in law. Very randomly and even when they are turned off my cars windshield wipers will just wave at me one time. I always say "Hi Mom" when it happens. I know it's a little crazy but it feels right. <br />
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Tonight I lost control of my car on a very slick hill and ran into an embankment and then bounced around doing a 180 and landing almost laying on my side in a ditch. <br />
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I unhooked my seat belt and fell into the passenger seat and then searched for my phone which had gone flying with all the impacts. I called my husband and said "babe - I think I need a new car". <br />
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I had hit HARD and spun around and hit HARD again. I was a little shook up but experiencing an adrenaline rush so I called Pete, called 911, then called roadside assistance for a tow truck. I told the tow truck driver that he better bring a flat bed cause I didn't know if it was going to be able to tow on the road. <br />
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Then I sat and waited, and waited and waited. 45 minutes later the state police showed up. He was super nice and did not give me a ticket for driving too fast for road conditions. Several nice people had stopped to help right after it happened too, one a first responder wanted to take my vitals but I was fine. <br />
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Shocked really but I floated through that accident as if in a big bubble. I didn't get banged up or whipped around at all. I felt like I was wrapped in bubble wrap or packed in cotton and I know what that accident should have felt like as I've had similar ones before. <br />
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When they towed my car out of the ditch to my utter disbelief and complete AWE, the only visible damage was the front bumper loose on the edges and turned slightly down. The entire passenger side of my vehicle had been down in a ditch up against an embankment and I hit HARD. Not a scratch.<br />
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So far from needing a new car I might need a new bumper. Or maybe that one just has to be put back in it's place? <br />
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I definitely believe a little more strongly in protection from angels tonight. And whether my guardian angel is my mother in law or just some poor random angel assigned to me I feel blessed. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-55394382130585078852013-02-25T16:43:00.001-05:002013-02-25T16:43:22.016-05:00Trying to save him from himself...And it just gets me burned. He resents me, yells at me, tells me to shut up. Meanwhile he tells everyone far more than they need to know and sometimes more than they should know. If I try to stop him to save whatever can be saved I get screamed at. <br />
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It's been a bad day.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-56679475007410555522013-02-20T23:02:00.002-05:002013-02-20T23:02:50.757-05:00Don't Fall in Love With A Dreamer...Cause he'll break you every time.<br />
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Just when you think you've really changed him...<br />
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There is your biggest mistake - thinking you can really change anyone BUT yourself. <br />
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Filed under lessons learned the hard way. <br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-15181736403818931992013-02-15T23:45:00.001-05:002013-02-15T23:45:37.908-05:00Making less and having more...5 years ago I had a very good paying job and so did my husband. We were comfortably middle class and living well within our means. We had a nice house and nice cars and we did pretty much what we wanted. It was not a bad existence.<br />
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And then the bottom dropped out, his MS progressed, in Oct 2008 he quit working without a plan and I had to scramble to find a plan while continuing to work full time to pay the bills. I filled out the VA application for him for service connected disability in April 2009 and then we waited. Until June 2009 when I was suddenly let go with no warning. <br />
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Now no one is working and I'm bringing home $430 a week from Unemployment. I know people who live on less than that BUT they did not have my mortgage or my two car payments, or my bills. Panic set in briefly until I figured out that thanks to the VA Pension that my husband WOULD be granted he would continue to be paid for his entire life. And his IRA's were probably NOT going to be as necessary in the future as they were right then and there. So we cashed them in a bit at a time and we lived on this to supplement my unemployment until he started getting his VA pension in November of that year. <br />
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I started working part time at waiting tables, and we were making ends meet. Not too terribly long after his VA pension came through we applied for Social Security for him and he was granted that as well. All of a sudden our finances are a little less scary. <br />
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Then right as my COBRA is running out and I am taking a job just for health insurance his unemployability rating comes through and I am now qualified for dependent health care through a federal program called CHAMPVA. I still took the job but minus the health care deductions that would have eaten up most of my pay. Still I feel panic that we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. <br />
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And I get laid off from that job too after just 9 months. In time to enjoy my summer greatly. And I do, and my winter too collecting unemployment and starting to build my consulting business. I got called back to the job but after just 3 months I quit as it just isn't working out for me and the VA travel is not working out for my husband. <br />
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His mother had recently passed away and money from her estate and a car from her estate allowed me to sell my car and take on a car with no payment this allowed me to quit that job. And yet all the time I am worried that I made some grave error. <br />
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And yet when I did my taxes this year and realized just how much I am making from my consulting and from waiting tables it suddenly came to me - we are pretty secure. I can stop worrying about this from day to day. It seems someone has been watching out for us, things happen just when we need them and we are not just comfortable, for people in our situation we are pretty well off. <br />
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I'm almost afraid to breathe a sigh of relief, there are still things we need to do (life insurance for a start) but for right now I can stop waiting for that other shoe to fall. For right now we are pretty secure and in this economy that is saying a heck of a lot. <br />
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Just very thankful to have one less thing to worry about right now.<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-33959101385216072132013-02-15T14:28:00.002-05:002013-02-15T14:33:05.946-05:00It's that time of year again - Walk MS <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGes_Z_IpOQ5bfaHzToD0XiEuZGTSbAt6hFSNRKlCAbVTB0c7jgX60MDv4EYY63kqStPbsGtlI82Xwep_YyB1UelKthPNVVl-OEJWgSRdg0g0J2G24_xFtlbJQK5qJ7ef-HTaSEMMtBtQ/s1600/logo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGes_Z_IpOQ5bfaHzToD0XiEuZGTSbAt6hFSNRKlCAbVTB0c7jgX60MDv4EYY63kqStPbsGtlI82Xwep_YyB1UelKthPNVVl-OEJWgSRdg0g0J2G24_xFtlbJQK5qJ7ef-HTaSEMMtBtQ/s320/logo.jpg" width="320" /></a>After taking a year off because I was on a cruise that weekend (hardship I know) I am back at it this year and will be walking in Albany, NY at the Walk MS event. I have done it every year since 2000 (except last year) in one location or another. I am working on assembling a team this year and starting to seek donations. So I'm throwing it out here on the interwebs. I know some of you are reading even if not many are commenting and if anyone would like to help sponsor me in my walk I would be ever grateful. <br />
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You can view my site here: <a href="http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/NYRWalkEvents?px=4503079&pg=personal&fr_id=19807" target="_blank">Tricia's Walk MS Page</a><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-32911046850937902092013-02-12T00:35:00.002-05:002013-02-12T00:35:54.178-05:00Get Out of Hell Free Card....My husband is not spiritual, nor is he religious and yet he claims himself to be catholic. For a few years I went to mass with him and took part in the proceedings and became part of the community. I sang in choirs and worked with youth. I joined in and became a part of things. And all the while he spent ever service bored to tears and either napping or distracting those who were trying to listen. I figured I was there I should listen and try to learn and I did. But then we hit a crisis point and tried to talk to a priest. It was mistake as the priest rather ignored our crisis and instead focused on things that the catholic's find important like getting first marriages annulled and calling my marriage invalid in the eyes of the church. We both agreed we were done and haven't attended anywhere since. <br />
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Fast forward 2 years and remember my husband's illness is much more cognitive than physical these days. He doesn't remember why exactly we left. He wants to go back. He doesn't bother to talk to me about that but rather starts calling priests and asking for explanations of why these things happened. He told the priest that we stopped going because he insulted me and then when I came home from work today he thrusts the phone in my hands and says "tell Father M why you were mad at him" and I was mortified and annoyed and felt ambushed and super pissed off. <br />
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I was not mad at the priest and he did not insult me personally I just find it to be insulting that the church would dare to call my marriage invalid when I did not ask their opinion. <br />
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Fast forward he wants to start going to mass again. And of course he wants me to come. I'm not catholic, was raised more evangelical and am now just protestant mostly. I don't want to go back because my husband seems to view sitting in that pew once a week as some kind of get out of hell free card. I told him this. I will go but there is a condition, the first time he tries to play tic tac toe or whisper or distract me during the service, or if he is so rude as to pull out his phone and play a game or read his messages (he has done this) that I am DONE. He will only get one strike here, he needs to listen and learn and be there for more than warming a seat or I'm not wasting my time. <br />
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He is the least religious and least spiritual person I know and I find the hypocrisy of thinking that sitting in that seat was somehow enough when you treat your wife with disrespect on a daily basis just a bit much to take.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-22450150319577565432013-02-11T11:06:00.001-05:002013-02-11T11:06:42.614-05:00Stuck in a Rutt...My house is a mess.<br />
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My office is a mess worthy of an episode of hoarders.<br />
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My kitchen counters are cluttered beyond belief.<br />
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I have customers waiting for me to do work for them.<br />
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I have potential customers I should contact.<br />
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I am sitting here in my winter slump, at 11am still in my nightgown and slippers with serious thoughts of going back to bed running through my head. <br />
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So I made a list - things I MUST accomplish today:<br />
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1. clean the kitchen counter<br />
2. clean the table<br />
3. make 1 customer call<br />
4. go to my dentist appt<br />
5. compile a mailing list for my new catalogs<br />
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This is not an unreasonable list. Let's see if I can do it. <br />
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Starting in the kitchen.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-76451852305622616722013-02-10T21:29:00.000-05:002013-02-10T21:29:21.230-05:00Minor Humiliations...This shouldn't humiliate me and yet to a minor degree I felt some humiliation.<br />
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Friday Night at the Restaurant - in walks a large group of 13 people that I do not know BUT wait I do know one of them. One of them is a man who was a Brand Director for a company that I worked for 5+ years ago when I was a Brand Manager and he was my boss. Back when I was someone important. When I had a STAFF that reported to me. Back when I worked 50+ hours a week and traveled on business and garnered respect as I climbed the corporate ladder. <br />
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He recognized me because he said hello to me by name. But that was it. He did not ask how I have been since I left there 5+ years ago. He did not seem interested in why I was now taking his pasta order rather than managing a team of brand marketers somewhere. <br />
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I wanted to explain - when I left that job my husband was still relatively healthy, walking, working full time at his own career. I wanted to say how far I went before realizing I could no longer be part of that corporate world and still fulfill the promises I made at the altar that day 13 years ago. I wanted to tell him how my own private endeavors that I work at less than 20 hours a week are providing an income just shy of what I made when I worked for him. <br />
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I didn't want him to think I was just a waitress.<br />
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But he didn't ask so I just brought him his food and acted like I didn't care. I did. Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7462129981306834664.post-44043427585894378432013-02-07T23:05:00.001-05:002013-02-07T23:05:05.356-05:00My most viewed post...Oddly enough with all the posts I've made in the 5 or so years since I started this blog the one that still gets the most hits is this one from 2008<br />
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The official title was<br />
<h3 class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name" style="background-color: white; color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.4em; margin: 0.25em 0px 0px; padding: 0px 0px 4px;">
<a href="http://middle-age-mania.blogspot.com/2008/06/thirteen-reasons-why-turning-38-doesnt.html">Thirteen reasons why turning 38 doesn't totally suck balls...</a></h3>
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Yeah I'm classy like that. </div>
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And now that I'm facing down 43 - turning 38 doesn't seem so bad at all. :) </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1