Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Do What You Love, Love What You Do....

I keep seeing variations on this theme everywhere.  Live the Life You Love, Love the Life You Live - well you get the idea.

The problem - I can't.

The Life I Love?  Would not include dementia and giving up on any hope of a career.

Love What You Do?  Well I guess I can be proud of what I do - take care of my husband, advocate for his needs, make sure that he gets everything he needs and deserves.  But do I love it?  I can think of things I'd love more than being yelled at and taken for granted.  Many, many things.

Live the Life you Love - Love the Life You Live - well if you can do that I guess go for it.


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Going back to my roots - or going full circle?

Things have gotten to the point that I just feel trapped.  I feel betrayed, lonely and trapped. I'm not sure how to address this and I keep wanting to go back to my roots, back to the days when I went to church regularly, when I prayed prayers that were not just pleading for mercy, when I felt part of a community, and felt love from a group.  When I believed that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I sure can't think this was the plan and I'm sure that somewhere along the line I deviated from the plan and got sent off into this alternate reality.  I don't know I've gone round and round with this, fate versus destiny versus luck (or lack of luck) and I keep wanting to go back to the place that made me the girl I was 20+ years ago before I took this crazy path.

I guess I'm looking for someone to help me make the best of my current situation, to support me in the life I have now and to give me some hope.

So next Sunday I'll be setting foot in church, specifically the church I used to be a member of, where I taught Sunday School and directed the choir and sang solos on Sunday morning.  The church I left in 1995 when I chose that horrible guy that led me astray over the life I thought I was meant to live at the time.  Many additional choices past that one lead me to where I am today and yet I feel going back to this place, and these people may be the place to start healing some of this pain.

I know it won't change my situation - a husband with dementia who takes his frustration at the world out on me - but perhaps it can change the only thing that I control - my reaction to his abuse, my heart.

Monday, March 3, 2014

What does true depression feel like?

I'm tired all the time, no motivation, no energy, no excitement.  Hard to get myself out of bed and dressed and actually doing anything most days.  I get up when I have to, I go places when I have to, I eat when I'm hungry.

I have spurts of excitement here and there, a movie wrap party a few days of filming on some new material, some time with the kids.

But it comes back to  being tired, sick of cold and winter, hibernating, sleeping all day.

Something has to break soon.  Hopefully not my last thread of sanity.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Sad tonight...

Something happened while at the super bowl party at my work tonight.  I'm not sure what.  My husband was hanging out with some people who were customers, and they seemed to be getting on famously.  They chatted for hours and then he said something that offended them.  I don't know what it was.  But they left, they had planned to stay through the game but they left around the end of the 3rd quarter and went home.  The husband came back to get a pizza they had ordered to go and I tried to apologize (even though I did not know what was said) and I tried to explain that my husband has dementia and is mentally ill.  This man was like a stone, he told me I just want my pizza and he walked out.

I went in the bathroom and cried.  And I cried on the way home (we had driven separately so husband does not know I cried).  And I'm crying now.

I don't know why this situation has me so upset, but it does.  I don't like that he hurt strangers with his words, and I don't like that they were angry with me too by association.  And I feel like maybe I'm going to have to start keeping him away from the public or expect to do a whole lot more apologizing.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Still here, still hanging on...

Marriage counseling is brutal, not sure if it is going to help or if it is going to make me want to run.  The things that are coming out are horrible, bad feelings and arguments and it just doesn't feel productive.  The therapist is just an intern, she is working on her master's and she is young and never married.  Not sure she really has any insight for us but she does try to keep things on track and not let it get too ugly.

I probably need to get my own therapist but so far I'm making do with this one, he listens well, never contradicts me and will lick away my tears to hide the evidence.

I am also spending a lot of time becoming very domesticated.  No not cleaning although I need to spend more time doing that but I have canned peaches, made quarts and quarts of tomato sauce that I canned and finally made and canned applesauce.

I am quilting up a storm, sewing is relaxing and keeps my hands busy.

I scour pintrist for projects and for the most part am fairly successful at the things I try to do but I have never had a talent at decorating cakes.  Just doesn't work out for me and I follow the instructions to a T and still I have this:

Ah well this cake is for my friend Marcia's birthday - she will appreciate the deliciousness of it even though it looks like a sad excuse for what it was supposed to be.  

So I'm soldiering on, some days  are better than others.  

Friday, September 20, 2013

Not too optimistic today...

I got rid of the "other woman" she took my email warning her to back off to heart and she blocked my husband from her facebook page.  He also sent her a message saying he couldn't talk to her "as much" uh ya think?  But she is out of the picture.

Today we start with a therapist together.  His psychologist put in the referral.  I'm not really hopeful because he tells people things like "we are going to marriage counseling and if it works, okay and if not I'm going to Ohio."  Sounds like he has no plans to work on anything.  I imagine he expects the therapist to tell me what I need to do to be a better wife and he will get to sit back and agree.  I don't think he has any idea what will actually happen in there and how bad it can be because I plan to tell the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH and nothing but THE TRUTH.  So it will be emotional, and he will NOT be looking like any kind of saint.

The person we are meeting with is the Psych Intern for the VA not a seasoned therapist.  I don't think she is ready for us, but I guess we'll see.  It is worth a shot.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Because you matter too...

One of my husband's healthcare providers (a social worker in one of his clinics) gave me a hug on Wednesday when I sorely needed one and told me that it was because I matter too.

It's nice to hear this once in awhile, she is a great person for always noticing me and what I'm feeling.  Down is what I was feeling Wed, very down.  Her attention helped.

His illness is all consuming.  It has taken over every part of our life, my life.  He wants people to see him for who he used to be and not who he has become so he lies.  He talks to old high school friends and he lies.  He has inappropriate conversations with other women and he lies.

I know I'm here day in and day out and he can't lie to me about his illness or it's severity so he seeks others who don't know and he tries to make himself feel like he used to because they don't know or understand that he is not at all who he used to be.

The latest instance was with a friend he had from high school, a woman of course.  Some chatting got way out of hand in my opinion.  I know and understand his illness and that impulse control is nearly zero for him.  What I want to know is why she went along with it?  She is supposedly in a relationship and happy and she KNOWS he is married, happy or not you don't go there with someone else's husband, not if you have any class that is.  Maybe it's just me being pissed off, but I have spent the last 4 days writing a letter to let her know she has been played, and that I have caught her out and that I am NOT amused and wish her to just drop off the face of the earth.

Somehow not finding the nerve to push send right now.  But I will, yep I am going to tell this woman to BACK OFF my husband, or maybe I'll offer to drop him and his dirty laundry and many problems off on her doorstep, that is if she really wants him so bad?

Saturday, July 13, 2013

And the bad news is....

Despite a fairly long period of no major changes in my husband's disease state it has become apparent that his MS has begun progressing again.  He had been switched from a diagnosis of Relapsing/Remitting to Secondary Progressive.  This was not unexpected and in fact the lack of major relapses has been a blessing for approx 5 years.  However he has weakened considerably in the last few months and his last neurology consult showed that he has no feeling in his right leg, he cannot differentiate between hot and cold and feels nothing when pricked with a pin.  It's a good thing we got the hand controls on his truck several months back as that leg is not very strong on reflex either.

MRI's have been scheduled and follow up visits planned.  And a chain of worrying has started in my brain.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Exercise in Futility...

My husband is negative, always negative.  He will focus on the things that piss him off rather than the good times every time.

He just got back from 8 days all expenses paid in Aspen, CO where he got to ski and kayak and scuba dive and spend time with other veterans.  I have to drag out of him the fun things he did, but he will readily tell me about the other veteran on his team who pissed him off and what a bitch he thinks she is.

If you ask him about our cruise in 2011, he will not mention the great times, the swimming with dolphins, the money he won playing poker, the great shows we saw.  Nope he won't talk about those things at all.  He will tell you about the kids who ran in front of his chair without watching where they were going and the little girl who screamed in his ear at the buffet one night.

Today we went to see a friend for lunch.  Originally it was just me and the friend but I was feeling generous and took him along.  As soon as we got there he was complaining about all the slow drivers, then as we are trying to converse he's telling her about how my brother in law (that she doesn't even know) pissed him off last night over something really ridiculously stupid.

I SNAPPED - "STOP COMPLAINING" I said "All you ever do is complain, complain, complain, you are the most negative person I know and it's driving me CRAZY"

This was of course the WRONG thing to do but everyone has their breaking point and I had reached mine.  I wanted to spend time with my friend being positive and friendly and not bitching about people she doesn't even know.

He went nuts of course, stood up and stormed out after yelling loudly at me in the restaurant that we were headed for divorce.  I called his bluff and said - "FINE file the damn papers already" and he starts to leave but goes and gets a to go container to take his food, then comes back to pack it up and we talked him into staying.  I did apologize to my friend for snapping and starting the mess. She understands and certainly doesn't blame me.  In fact she has told me many times that she could not/would not do what I'm doing.

Ever since, I'm still a bit shook up by it.  Him? He's acting like nothing ever happened.  Isn't dementia fun?