My favorite Christmas Song

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I have always loved this song and all versions of it but Robert Downey Jr. singing it from Ally McBeal is probably my favorite. Couldn't find the whole song online but have it on my ipod and this time of year I play it over and over.

I wish...

Oh Yeah....

Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

That about sums up this cold, rainy, nasty Monday in which I feel that I'd love to sleep for a month.

Spring is here...

The weather outside is beautiful, getting warmer heading toward a killer weekend. It's Easter weekend and we have no plans, nothing to do with anyone, family is all out of town. Not sure what we'll do - I'd say relax but we've been doing a bit too much of that lately.

Maybe we'll go out to dinner and take in a museum or a movie or something.

In other news still have not completed my taxes. I just don't feel up to it and I now have 14 days left to finish. I am getting a rather large refund, but I can't spend it - it has to go to the roof.

I am still addicted to WoW and playing regularly- up to level 50 on my main character.

I found out a friend of mine got a job that I was heavily recruited for. Makes me think it could have been mine if only I'd just snapped my fingers. Problem was it's an hour and 20 drive and I just DON'T want to go that far to then work 50 hours a week on top of it so I declined to interview. Good for her, I should be happy for her. I'm having a hard time mustering the happiness.

I bought a choker collar for my dog - I will teach him to walk on a leash like a properly trained dog if it kills both of us. So far he's getting it much faster now. Tip for dog training: teach them to walk nice on a leash before they weigh 110 pounds!

That's about it - just kinda blah even though the weather is turning around. Need to try and work on that.

I've really been neglecting my blog

I must admit internet I have a new addiction. Something that takes me out of the world I live in for a few hours at a time and immerses me in a whole different world. A world where I get to be totally badass and blast the living daylights out of things that get in my way. I tell you it is super satisfying to just take down the monsters one by one. I wish it was that easy in real life to just eliminate the monsters.

My new addiction? World of Warcraft

Really...

I know, who would have ever thought it? I certainly never had any interest in role player games before. The idea of sitting at a computer for hours playing a game where I shoot things and kill then certainly never appealed before.

I started playing for my husband. He started playing and wanted me to play with him. So I took the 10 day free trial offer and at first I really wasn't that into it. Then I played some more, and some more. Now I am more into than he is. I am higher level than he is. My character can kick his character's ass! WOOT - but mostly I play with him and help him with his tasks.

Totally not my thing, I've never been a gamer, but I guess I am now?

The downside to all this - the only reason I am higher level and needing to help my husband in this game is because the MS has taken this away from him. He was the gamer, always playing things like Diablo or Half Life, etc. He was good at it. Not anymore. He can't follow the maps, he gets lost, he gets confused, he gets frustrated. He needs me to play with him. I enjoy playing on my own much more - with other friends and people who don't get lost, frustrated and aren't in the next room screaming at me to help them. I kinda wish he'd give up on it since it's so frustrating for him. But I don't think I can give up - not yet anyway.

So dear internet - this is where I have been. Running around disguised as a troll in a fantasy world for hours every day.

If you want God to laugh at you make some plans...

Life never turns out how you plan - over the years I've had many plans. In my teens and early 20's my plans included going to college, getting married, a family, a career, I was going to have it all. I spent my 20's single and mostly loving life and having a great time. I did go to college but didn't graduate and get a fabulous job with a big salary. I always had a job and eventually I got into the field of work I wanted and worked my way up those corporate ladders.

I got married shortly after turning 30 but never did start that family and its for the best really.

I went to grad school and got an MBA with dreams of screaming my way right up that corporate ladder into a six figure salary and a corner office. I started working on this dream and had made several key moves that would get me there.

Then my husband's MS took a turn for the worse, and my priorities changed. All of a sudden the long hours and travel required to climb that ladder wasn't possible and the ladder wasn't important anymore. I took a job with more flexibility and a bigger paycheck but no real future for me, and I hated it.

My time became consumed with disability applications and doctor's appointments, and then I lost the job I hated and found myself on unemployment for the first time. It was such a complete turn around from the corporate go-getter I was just 3 years ago.

These days I sleep in, I go for walks with my dog, I surf the net, I bake, I clean, I cook. I drive my husband to appointments and speak for him when he can't find the words. I advocate for him, I fight for what he deserves. It's funny I used to wonder what stay at home mom's did all day - now that I am basically a housewife and caregiver I wonder how I used to have time to work 50 hours a week.

Now my plans are shifting - and I'm more flexible. I still want to do some entrepreneurial stuff and have started a small website that I'm just not finding the time to work on and need to make the time. I'm looking at part time work from home opportunities and finding they are out there but the competition seems fierce so I'm not having a lot of luck yet but I keep trying.

Now my worries are - someday, when being a caregiver is not my primary job - will I have any job skills left? Will anyone hire me then? So planning to do some volunteer work to keep skills up and hopefully socking away cash when I can so I have a nest egg and hoping I don't have to worry about this for decades!

So despite the fact that my plans never seem to pan out - I keep making them. Gives me something to do.! :)

January Thaw...

We had our January Thaw last week - several days in the high 30's and much of the snow melted. Then last night we got another 2-4", haven't been outside yet so I'm not sure how much we have exactly. I'll find out this afternoon when I have to go run the snow blower.

I've been cooking my way through January, making bread, cookies. chili, attempting to use my new George Foreman Grill successfully. All this baking of bread has caused my weight to start creeping up the past week which sucks as I had lost 15lbs since losing my job - lovingly referred to as "15lbs of unhappiness and misery" but fresh baked bread is adding them back one at a time.

This is unacceptable so I have also been jumping on the wii fit a bit more and trying to work out without having to go outside in the cold. (It may be 35ish out but that is still too cold for me).

So today after I get off my wii fit - I plan to bake banana bread - not exactly the answer to the problem BUT I have two overripe bananas and I don't want to throw them away. So depending on how much I eat I may need to spend a bit more time on the wii fit this week.

Today is 01022010 - cool!

And day two of this new year and new decade is going a-okay. Got up around 9 and did the 30 minutes on my wii fit - the goal is to do 30 days straight, making this a habit.

I spent a few hours visiting with my parents yesterday wasn't a lot of fun though since we were talking about my husband's disability and how difficult it is for me to try to keep him in line. He thinks he can do things that he really has no business doing. He insists that he is going to buy a new truck and I have to keep telling him we can't afford it (and I don't want him to have a giant truck to drive around either) and he keeps getting mad and telling me to get job so he can have his truck. GRRRRR

Thinking about going to see Avatar today - want to see it on the IMAX in 3D so that means a trip to Albany - also really coveting a Pandora bracelet and there is a store in that mall. I think I may buy one with a few charms just for fun and a pick me up.

Bring on 2010...

Let's see - 2009 sucked for a lot of reasons. Husbands disability worsening, losing my job, watching my husband get worse. There were a few moments - husband's VA claim getting approved, taking the first step to start my own business.

So hoping to bring better things in 2010:

• getting my business off the ground
• getting my husband rated as unemployable so he can get more money each month
• keeping my house a little cleaner
• make time for sewing and craft things that I enjoy
• making the time to exercise a bit more
  
• cry a little bit less

I also want to take a vacation - a real one like a cruise or an all inclusive resort or something. Not sure when I might be able to do this but sometime in 2010 I will be come acquainted with the sun in some exotic place.

Please snow storm - stay south of us...

I really don't want to have to run the snowblower again on Sunday so we can get out for church and exchanging gifts with my sister and her family. I really don't want to stand out there in cold weather with snow blowing all over me and the wind whipping my cheeks until they turn red for days.

I don't want any more snow right now. Please just this one little favor? Keep the snow storm out of here!

Trying out a new look...

I just felt it was time for something new - please let me know what you think! :)

The pictures are of my actual yard - in fall and using a Photoshop filter to blur and stylize a bit. Just wait for winter - snow, snow and more snow should be fun.

More things to be thankful for...

Unlike my last post this one really is more about things I am truly thankful for!

I am thankful for old friends!

• The ones that have been around for 20+ years, the ones that just love me for who I am, the ones that have watched me make mistakes, listened to me cry, given me advice, never judged me for those mistakes, always accepted me for who I am. These are the friends who you can count on, the ones that will tell you the truth even when it hurts and yet never hold it against you. We laugh together, have cried together, have prayed together, have grown up together, have grown together. Yes you know who you are - and I am so thankful for YOU!

I am thankful for close friends!

• I have a handful of these, some I have known for many years, others only a few, some I have only known through the internet and yet I have shared with them some of my deepest secrets and darkest thoughts. One in particular has helped me remain sane through this very crazy year and I hope I have done the same for her. I hope she knows who she is - meow.
  

I am thankful for new friends!

• I have a new friend, she is much younger than me and yet she teaches me about the kind of person I want to be. She is kind, loving, intelligent. She follows her dreams, she inspires me. I feel honored that she has chosen me to be her friend. She is not yet privy to my blog but I would be remiss if I didn't mention her.

I am thankful for my sister!

• As kids we fought like cats and dogs (well maybe worse than cats and dogs? for the most part my cats and dog live in relative harmony) but as adults we are true friends. I would do anything for her and I know she would do anything for me. I enjoy spending time with her, I trust her with my secrets, I admire her patience and love with her children. My sister is a special person.
  

I am thankful for my parents!

• Both my parents are here and help out, they will do anything I need them to do and I try not to take too much advantage of that. Especially my dad - he is a worker and he has worked for me a lot. I don't know how we would get the things we need done around here done without my dad. My husband wants to move and honestly living in town would make more sense BUT I would hate to move away from my parents - it is so nice to have my dad so close (just a mile up the road).

And even when he is a big ole pain in the butt - I am thankful for my husband. I didn't get the life, the marriage, the dreams that I thought I wanted but I still can't imagine my life without him. He makes me laugh, he keeps me warm at night, he tells me he is proud of me, he loves me for me.

So there - my obligatory Thanksgiving post - but from the heart! :)

As Thanksgiving Approaches...

It's been a rough year here, not much has gone right. The early part of 2009 consisted of my husband going on job interviews and me listening to the after story realizing that he was probably not going to get any of these jobs, or any job again EVER because he just didn't have the capacity that he used to have. Physically he's weak, mentally he's unstable and unpredictable. In March I started researching SSDI thinking it was time to apply and my research led me to the fact that as former air force he was entitled to VA Disability which kicks SSDI's ass. So we started the process in March and submitted his application in April. With high hopes we waited, and waited, and waited, and are still waiting 8 months later. My high hopes are now tempered with a great deal of impatience and aggravation! GRRR BUT the bottom line is he will be approved, it is a cut and dried case so whenever it is finally decided we will get a giant check to pay us back to April and ongoing monthly payments for the rest of his life. This is something to be thankful for, it will save us financially. I just wish it would hurry up.

To add to the rough year - on June 30th I lost my job. This was a bit of a blow to my ego. It was HUGE blow to our financial status. But things that make me thankful - the temporary reduction of COBRA payments to 35% allowing us to keep our much needed health insurance without going into debt to do it. Unemployment - it's not much but it pays the cars and the utilities. We had savings - sure it was earmarked for retirement but it is more important to keep afloat now than to retire later, and we already know my husband will receive a monthly payment until he dies - so he doesn't really need retirement accounts. We could last another year and a half at least as we are if I dip into mine too. It won't come to that - the VA can't take that long, can they?

The upside to me losing my job - well I hated the job and the commute so wasn't really happy go lucky suzy sunshine while working there. In retrospect it was a mistake to take the job and make the change. I liked what I did in the job I had before that, loved it. There were frustrations but I LOVED the work. Also I was someone there, I was respected, I made decisions, I was important. When I changed to the hated job - I was no one, I was a peon, I was a cog in a machine. I hated it. The additional $16,000 a year I made by switching turned out to not be nearly enough for what I was giving up. :( Oh so this was about upside - well I realized it will take more than a big paycheck to make me like a job, and I got to spend a great deal of my summer with my nephews and let me tell you walking into a room to watch this little face light up with joy at my presence? Well it's something special! I have learned that despite what I always thought I really am not a tough, hard driving career woman. The more I think about the future the more I think I want a part time job, something that will give me purpose, and hopefully health insurance! Something that can be flexible and allow me to be there to take my husband to doctor visits, physical therapy, psychologist visits and more. As he continues to decline - more and more he is going to become my job. It's a sad reality for us - but as I embrace it I realize that for the past 4 months I have not missed the corporate BS at all, I have enjoyed sleeping until 8 most mornings, and I love having time - to take a walk, to go have lunch with a friend, to spend with my nephews, to spend with my husband, to play with my dog. Time is precious and I don't want to spend 50+ hours a week doing something I hate just for a paycheck. This is a discovery I am truly thankful for.

I think maybe after all these years I'm starting to find the real me in there somewhere.

Random thoughts...

• I've been so busy since I haven't been working that I am not sure how I ever managed to fit a full time job in between all the stuff that keeps me busy these days. Between babysitting, volunteering for the church, and work around the house I'm so busy!
  
  
• Hubby's VA claim remains in limboland (not to be confused with zombieland, it is much scarier in limboland) the latest is that the claim file is due back to the regional office the first week in December and until it comes back from the processing black hole there is nothing else they can tell us. Cashed in yet another 401K to fund November and December. *sigh*
  
  
• I love the part time gig at the restaurant, but my feet don't love it at all. Had to spend some of the profits to outfit the feet in more appropriate style - a pair of KLOGS did the trick and my feet thank me over and over! :)
  
  
• My mom hosted a Celebrating Home party for me on Sunday - it was a great party but only got one booking and that is my sister - not sure how that party will turn out but hoping. I need to book more parties or this thing is just a waste of my time and money. I have another friend who has promised to hold a party BUT her life circumstances right now prevent her from doing it. She says she will when she gets things back to normal. I hope it's soon for her sanity sake and my business sake. :(
  
  
• A former website client came crawling back after his new provider started to nickel and dime him. A bit of satisfaction on my part and a nice bit of change for the work. Quick deadline though - I set my deadline as Nov 6th. I want this done so I can bill it and get the cash and well he just wants it DONE!
  
  
• I sent out resumes this week - applied through online sites for 5 positions. Several of these are jobs I am uniquely qualified for, if I was the hiring manager and saw my resume come through I'd have called or emailed back right away. No one did. *sigh*
  
  
• I started this post hours ago and walked away - coming back to say goodnight. Hoping for a bright tomorrow. :)
  

Finale...

Perhaps it is because my own life has been so stressful of late or maybe there really is more quality stuff on television the last few years but I am more wrapped up in quite a few TV shows and the finale's of these shows have all evoked strong emotional responses in me.

LOST - I am so addicted to this show - I love the characters, Sawyer is my favorite because I have always loved me the bad boys. Seeing how he has grown this season is touching, the ending scene with him crying really left me gutted. (I would say more but then VBC might kill me as she has not watched this season yet - choosing to wait for a rainy weekend to watch it all one right after the other)

Grey's Anatomy - So many things in this season of Grey's have gotten to me. The wedding last week was absolutely beautiful and I cried. The final scene of the finale with Izzy in her prom dress heading up the elevator and the doors open - I just thanked GAWD it wasn't Denny waiting for her because that would have ruined all the Alex storyline to me. I figured out very early on in that last episode that John Doe was actually George so it wasn't a shocker but I had forgotten rumors that he was leaving the show. So sad - hope him greeting Izzy at the elevator was like Merideth walking the halls while "dead" from drowning and he's really coming back cause I like George.

I also never miss House, Ugly Betty (I know kitzchy but I love it, she's so upbeat and the strangest things happen to her), Heroes, Biggest Loser (the only reality TV I still watch) and The Office (just because well who can resist?), Private Practice as a matter of course for a true Grey's fan but now I love it for itself, Fringe - Walter rules but the finale was shocking and cool. I also watched every single episode of Life on Mars and was very upset with the way they ended that and the premise - it nearly ruined the show.

So heading into summer I can look forward to Army Wives at least - what else will keep my mind off my own stressfull life? I guess I need to get a new library card.

Sharing the love...

I haven't posted as regularly as I had planned for the past few months. Lacking inspiration I guess - probably due to all the STRESS but thought I would share some love for the blogs that I read daily and those that I wait anxiously for their next post. So without further ado - here are some of my favorites from my google reader lineup:

• Cattails: Adventures of a Very Bad Cat
• The Redneck Romance Writer
• Dispatches from the Northern Outpost
  
• Queen-Sized Funny Bone
• The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy
• I Hate So Much
• Everything I like Causes Cancer
• Chocolate Covered Xanax
  
• The Blog of Bex
• Walking Kateastrophe
• Twas Brillig
• Blog Voyeur Turned Blogwhore
  
• I Do Things So You Don't Have To
  
• Starting my Life at 35
• Someday I'll Get There
  
• Brain Cheese
  
• Problem Girl
• I Read Banned Books
• Inner Musings of an Eclectic Pagan
  
• i am bossy
• Attack of the Redneck Mommy
• Working Girl
  
• 15 Minute Lunch
• Mattress Police - Antisocial Commentary
  
• Passive Aggressive Notes
  
• Not Always Right
• Postsecret

So there are probably more - some I've missed but having wasted an hour reading these as I grabbed the link I should probably get some work going!

Enjoy - these are some of my favorites for sure!

Pay it Forward - Giveaway!

I got this from An Eclectic Pagan and it sounds like fun!

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make
   
2. What I create will be just for you
3. It’ll be done this year (2009)
4. I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be
   
5. In return, all you need to do is post this text into a note/post of your own and make 5 things for the first 5 to respond to it.
6. Please send your mailing address to tricia.mswalk@gmail.com
   

IMPORTANT: This offer is null and void if I do not see you post your own note to pay this forward.

Sunday Ramblings...

This post is likely to be all over the place as my thoughts are a bit jumbled this morning but I feel compelled to share.

Friday night a 27 year old woman told me she couldn't believe I was almost 39 and that I looked younger than she did. This made me feel very good. Lately I've been feeling my age and just freaking out in general over turning 39 so her comment made me feel good about myself.

Saturday we searched through folders of USAF paperwork - all Pete's records - looking for his DD214 (discharge paperwork) which we found. But also found one of his folders is complete medical records showing a history of him complaining about MS like symptoms through his entire Air Force career. He had a very hard time in the heat during basic training, it drained him, fatigued him, gave him horrible migraine-like symptoms. Could this have been the beginning of the MS? Perhaps? We also found the record when 1/2 of his face went numb and the diagnosis was sinusitis? Seriously I have sinusitis all the time and my face never goes numb. It seems with how often he was complaining of severe headaches they would have at least done a CT scan but never - they gave him motrin and sent him home.

Saturday night was a big night for my husband - he was confirmed as a catholic during the vigil mass. He grew up catholic but his dad didn't make him finish religious education and so he was never confirmed as a teen like most catholics. He decided about 4 months ago that he wanted to do this and so we started attending church regularly and he started meeting with the priest once a week to learn and discuss. This has been a wonderful boost for him, the meetings with the priest have been like free therapy and he has become a kinder and gentler person through this process. Now he still has that crazy italian temper but it is a bit more under control.

My husband invited my parents and my sister to his confirmation. My sister is fairly non-judgmental but my parents are die hard baptists. Baptists typically judge all the time. I found myself not enjoying the service because every phase of the way I was thinking about what they were probably thinking. I know they were surprised (and probably not pleased) to see me singing with the worship group. It was my first week and I LOVE singing so was so pleased to be asked to join them. I felt my dad's eyes on me the entire time and I could almost hear his thoughts "why is she singing here instead of coming back OUR church". My parents are sure that I will be converting to catholicism any day now but I told them I would not be converting and they look unconvinced.

My husband wants me to convert in the worst way. He asks all the time. I say no all the time. He has his own brand of judgmental - tells me that my parents church isn't really church. I fight him over this. Thankfully when he said it last night our friend was in the car with us (she stood up for him at the confirmation) and she said "that's not fair - of course it's church - it's not mass but it's still church and it's not right to tell people their church isn't church." His argument is that to him it's not - well fine but don't just make blanket judgments as if you are the only one who could possibly judge what is or isn't church. He gets mad at me when I yell at him for saying that and was getting annoyed with me but our friend who is also catholic totally had my back and told him he was WRONG. He didn't like that much.

Today the priest is coming to our house for dinner at 2pm. So I need to straighten up a little, clean a little, and cook a lot. Long day ahead I fear.

Honest Scrap...

So earlier this week Verybadcat tagged me for this Honest Scrap award and I promised I'd get to it soon so going to give this a try tonight.

The rules are I must share 10 things about myself and tag some bloggy friends to receive the award and play along, so here goes...

1. I have recently become an honest to god facebook addict and it's a good thing that I can't access it from my office or I'd probably be fired.
   
   
2. One of my more unusual hobbies involves traveling to fairs in the summer where I get paid to judge some animals (livestock) keeping the species a secret for now.
   
   
3. I grew up in pretty sheltered, I went to a Christian school from 2nd grade thru graduation and even went to a Christian college for my undergrad which you wouldn't know to read the foul language I sometimes use in this blog.
   
   
4. Although I tend to present as confident and self assured in public I am desperately insecure at times and worried that no one really likes me.
   
   
5. I'm terrified that the MS is taking away my husband, little by little his personality has changed and someday I fear I may find myself married to a total stranger.
   
   
6. I love my dog far more than I probably should. No I don't "love" my dog - but I do adore him with all my being and will be more than devastated if something happened to him.
   
   
7. I am a snoop. I can't help it. I have found out things I wish I didn't know and yet I'd rather know that be totally blind to the truth.
   
   
8. I read "Chick Lit" and I LOVE it! :) I loved the Shopaholic series but don't think I will like the movie much.
   
   
9. I like silly humor movies - tonight we saw Paul Blart Mall Cop and found it hilarious. Despite this I am not a fan of Will Ferrell or Jim Carey but I love Adam Sandler.
   
   
10. I love singing karoke - I will do this with very little encouragement. I have twice sang karoke in front of co-workers when more than a little drunk. I have sang in bars many times. I'm not that good but I don't care it's fun.

So I'm supposed to tag a few people, so I'm tagging Jen and Shieldmaiden98 and anyone else that would like to play along.

Let's make some lemonade...

When life hands you lemons what do you do? Well Jen at The Redneck Romance Writer has awarded me with this award for making lemonade with those lemons. Although many days I'd rather use them as the chaser to a nice shot of Patron!

Of course my dear friend VBC is deserving of this award and that is why Jen awarded her at the same time I was awarded. So I am going to pass this award on to four other bloggers I see making lemonade out of some very sour lemons that life has handed them as well.

Lisa from Brass & Ivory for sharing her knowledge and educating those suffering with MS about their disease and about resources available to them.

Linda from BrainCheese for fighting hard against unfair billing practices and to bring down the wall that the system puts between the provider and the patient. And for making me laugh regularly.

BlindBeard - a woman who keeps pushing back and telling this disease that it will not beat her! And managing to make me laugh with nearly every story she writes.

Lannette from Chain Reaction - who has had some terrible obstacles this year and laughed in their faces as she went to Jamaica to get married!

Coming Attractions

A recipe blog for the busy woman. Not a gourmet blog by any means - some of the recipes I will post start with a can of soup or use Velveeta Processed Cheese Food! :) Food Snobs will probably not enjoy. The goal will be:

• Quick and Easy Recipes for week nights when time is short.
• Slow Cooker and Make Ahead Recipes
• Low Fat/Low Cal dishes for the weight conscious
• Main Dishes, Side Dishes & all manner of decadent desserts

I'm very excited that my partner in this endeavor will be none other than the verybadcat herself! I hope her first post will be that very decadent mac & cheese she is perfecting.

So this weekend I intend to devote some fun time to a template and a few starter recipes to kick off the blog - so watch for some great recipes from your favorite "2 Hot Dishes". ;-)