Who would have thought that finally in my forties I'd start to feel comfortable in my own skin? That I'd lose some inhibition and go for things I want? Well I never would have predicted it but so far in 2014 I have sang and danced in the musical Aida with a great cast. Me? Dancing? On a STAGE? in front of an AUDIENCE? Well it happened for real! This is me, in the center right under the guy standing up on a platform in the back.
And I have worked on 3 short films so far in 2014, as an actor in one of them and Producer on all of them. One more to go and I will be acting and producing in that one as well. I have an IMDB page - for real! :) My IMDB page is HERE!
And yesterday I actually auditioned for a lead part in a musical. I was nervous and felt a bit silly trying out (many, many child parts and I was the only adult who auditioned yesterday more tonight). BUT I nailed it, I really did. My singing was right on the money and I read for the part I wanted and did very, very well I believe. So now I am hoping no one better shows up for tonight's auditions. I want this part, yes I really, really do.
So yes the things that most people are doing in their 20's finding themselves and expressing themselves and being all artistic, well I'm doing it now. In my 20's I was too busy working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet to be artistic.
Don't worry if I get the part you will know for sure as I will shout it from the mountaintops to anyone who will listen. :)
I know many people think I'm wasting my education and my talents by working part time as a waitress. I know my husband really thinks I should be making use of my master's degree and making a boatload of money. And yet I am happy not having a "career" right now. I'm able to make some money, visit with people while they are out having a good time, and available to take him to appointments and go camping and take a 7 day cruise. I'm able to stay up late and sleep in. To mow the lawn on Monday morning (after sleeping in of course) rather than getting up at the crack of dawn and driving an hour or more to a stress filled day.
Granted I need to do more with my life - I'm working on getting my home based marketing consulting business going. And yet ambitious I am not, not at all.
It's weird, so not where I envisioned myself when I was working hard to earn that MBA and now that it is just a very expensive piece of paper framed on my wall, I still know that it was a great thing for me at the time and that I have no desire to take on the kind of long hours, high stress job that come with the title of MBA.
I'm perfectly fine being called "waitress" and I don't mind hearing "miss, could I have more coffee?" With it comes more serenity than I ever imagined possible.
And I am NOT happy about it. It's cold out there and I want more summer. :( August was a weird month, only hot the first weekend, wet and rainy, temps in the 70's, not at all like August. I never got into my swimming pool ONCE in August and I'm so bummed. Now it is downright freezing - frost warning overnight and temps around 40 when I woke up. I have to close my pool and that depresses me to no end. :(
The upside to fall is I probably only have to mow a few more times as the cold nights stop the grass from growing and once we have a real frost it will be done for good.
Time to get into fall mode I guess, sweaters, jeans, boots, apple picking, leaves changing, bonfires, I guess I can do this.
So I didn't have to make the choice to walk away from the job that was so bad for me. I got laid off and now I can collect unemployment while I figure out my next steps! I'm thrilled to be unemployed! LOL
I have already met with 2 new clients who need help with Website Design and Social Media Marketing, and one hired me for 10 hours a month, the other we need to finalize details. The restaurant I worked at for 2 years is opening up again very soon and I will be doing her web and social media marketing as well as waiting tables occasionally, life is good.
It's coming together, the reinvention is underway!
The husband woke up around 5am to go to the bathroom.
He didn't wake me up BUT he woke Max up. Now Max is whining to go out. I ignore him.
At 5:30 I can't ignore anymore and get up to take him outside. He is out there for 10 minutes and I think he's done his business so I let him back in.
I realize he had an accident in his crate so I'm cleaning that up when he disappears into my office. I run to him to find him taking a dump on the floor. I yell NOOOO and pick him up and carry him outside to the kennel where I leave him.
Back inside to clean up the deposit in my office and to finish cleaning the crate. (All before 6am)
Look outside to find Max sitting on the deck looking in the window. The little shit got out of the kennel somehow.
I'm perplexed - he can't go underneath in any spot (concrete pavers) so how did he get out? I find a spot where the wire is separated just enough for a 24 pound dog to wiggle through.
He's back inside in his now clean crate and I need to find some wire to go fix the kennel before I take a shower and go to work. What a start to my day.
Oh and the husband who woke up at 5am to use the bathroom that started this chain of events? Yeah he's sleeping soundly. Lucky bum.
I really wish I could go back to bed and just start over.
I have cried rivers of tears in the past year. I have wondered if anything would ever be right again. I have questioned my life, my choices, my faith, my God...
And I heard this song a few weeks ago, and it made the tears start rolling again but for a different reason. I have cried a river that I thought would drown me but somehow I have come out on the other side - stronger, happier, at peace.
And those prayers - they are being answered slowly but surely. And I think maybe a thousand sleepless nights is exactly what it took to change the only thing that I could ever really hope to change - me.
I hope the song moves you as it has moved me.
Blessings... Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
I have not written here in well over a month. For me this place is to pour out the things I cannot say elsewhere, to complain, to moan, to cry. Well lately things have been better. The spring is sort of here, it's still cold but the hours of daylight gets more each day and that helps me greatly. My husband has been making an effort and our relationship is on the mend. My job is picking up and while I still don't like the job it is a bit less soul sucking these days. So I haven't had much to say.
My husband planned a cruise for our anniversary in November. It's very exciting. :) We are taking a 7 day Bahama's Cruise on Norwegian Cruise Line out of NYC and will be on the boat for our 11th anniversary on 11/11/11.
In other news - not much is happening - looking forward to opening the pool and getting things moving along toward summer. Many things to do - spring cleaning - yard clean-up (a whole winter's worth of dog POO), flower bed clean-up. Before you know it I'll be mowing again and planting those flower beds.
The hope part - I got the part time gig - but it's way more part time than I had thought based on the ad. The job will only be 10-15 hours a MONTH! But it's with a marketing company and it's a marketing job so it will help my resume to not completely die. Also there are other companies that do the same job for other clients/brands and I can have more than one job at a time, many reps work for 3-4 or more and get paid 3-4 times for the same hour of work. Sounds good to me! :) I'm working on finding those other jobs now.
The despair part - I was listening to a song about loss, losing a loved one and saying goodbye especially. And I thought how cut and dried that was and how though no one really knows what to say they do somehow find the right thing. When your loved one slips away a little at a time and turns into someone you don't recognize and sometimes don't like and yet is still there and present physically? Well people have no clue what you are going through and if they do they don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to grieve my husband because he is alive and in my bed each night and yet this man that I am married to bears no resemblance (other than the physical) to the one I married 10 years ago most days.
Every once in awhile the old guy peeks out, shows kindness, shows compassion, shows love. Those are the moments that keep me going.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Despite being unemployed for over a year, despite my husband's disability and his unemployment status, despite fears of financial ruin and failure that my parents have had on my behalf, things are well here.
My husband hasn't worked since Oct 2008 and I've been unemployed since June 2009 and yet we have everything we need, some things we want, and have not fallen behind on a thing. His disability with the VA was approved in the nick of time, his SSDI was approved in only 3 months time, and my unemployment has kept us going.
I can only credit this to the fact that someone is looking out for us and I am thankful.
There has been a job in the local paper for over a month. It's a Legal Assistant - part time - experience preferred. I've been looking at this every week and thinking I should apply. I don't have experience but I am highly educated, have been an assistant before, and have had at least 3 classes in business law which included terminology.
Working for a local lawyer likely means lots of real estate law, divorces, traffic tickets and the like. I think I could easily handle the paperwork surrounding these. I type 70+ wpm and I'm smart and organized. A legal assistant should pay fairly well, even at part time it should be enough to keep us going with me still waiting tables 2-3 nights a week.
So I wrote a cover letter, I printed it out with my resume and an envelope and I'm putting it in the mail today. It's a blind ad - the resume goes back to the paper - so I can't follow up on it but for some reason I have a good feeling. I hope I get an interview so I can show this lawyer that I'd be a great addition to their team - prompt, responsible, smart.
And for me - it's local, short commute! It's part time, so no 60 hour weeks! It could be perfect.
Wish me luck.
p.s. Still hesitating on presentation for "dream" but may try to get that done today as well. Why not? What have I got to lose? (oh yeah the "dream" part.)
It's been in the 90's for days with high humidity and heat indexes in the 105 range - I have thanked GOD every day this week for my central air conditioning! And I have appreciated friends with a swimming pool who invited us over to swim a few times.
I have not had fun at the restaurant this week, it's a pizza place and we don't have central air, only stand alone units that don't make a dent in it. Because of this fact hardly any customers braved it this week and that is okay with me, it was 98 degrees in the dining room on Thursday (no lie) and I didn't want to have to move from the AC unit I had blowing right on my neck. It finally rained last night and it's somewhat cooler today but it will still be insane in there tonight and that is where I'm heading.
Updates - husband's SSDI got approved in May (after only 3 months) which has eased my concerns about finding full time work. My unemployment is extended through mid-September at least and I won't know until then if it's going to be extended again. I am looking for jobs - but finding anything closer to home that pays decent is turning out to be near impossible. A full time job about 20 miles from home that will want me to put in 110% effort but pays 1/2 of my former salary just doesn't appeal to me. Part time positions seem to be scarce at any pay scale. I applied for a lunch server position at another local restaurant and didn't even get a call - guess the owner didn't find me appealing. :(
My plans are to keep looking - and enjoy the summer because I think full time work is in my future again in the fall, maybe less stressful and definitely less lucrative but it seems I will need to do it if a part time position doesn't come up.
I do have one pipe dream/long shot that I'm working on. It involves a proposal to some very cosmopolitan guys from NYC who have become gentlemen farmers in our area. They have a TV show actually on one of the many Discovery Network channels and I have a skill that they are in desperate need of. The problem is they don't know they need me - YET - but I'm working on changing that. It could solve a whole heap of my problems if they agree that they need my skills and it could be VERY good for them too. So fingers crossed and maybe more info later on that one. I hope to make preliminary contact this coming week and schedule a face to face to lay out my proposal.
Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi has always been a favorite song of mine. When I was younger I focused on the hopeful parts - "we're half way there", "we're gonna make it I swear", etc. Yesterday I heard this song and latched onto the phrase that is the title of this post.
"Gina dreams of running away, she cries in the night..."
I can relate some days, this is not the life I signed up for but running away would solve nothing.
The weather outside is beautiful, getting warmer heading toward a killer weekend. It's Easter weekend and we have no plans, nothing to do with anyone, family is all out of town. Not sure what we'll do - I'd say relax but we've been doing a bit too much of that lately.
Maybe we'll go out to dinner and take in a museum or a movie or something.
In other news still have not completed my taxes. I just don't feel up to it and I now have 14 days left to finish. I am getting a rather large refund, but I can't spend it - it has to go to the roof.
I am still addicted to WoW and playing regularly- up to level 50 on my main character.
I found out a friend of mine got a job that I was heavily recruited for. Makes me think it could have been mine if only I'd just snapped my fingers. Problem was it's an hour and 20 drive and I just DON'T want to go that far to then work 50 hours a week on top of it so I declined to interview. Good for her, I should be happy for her. I'm having a hard time mustering the happiness.
I bought a choker collar for my dog - I will teach him to walk on a leash like a properly trained dog if it kills both of us. So far he's getting it much faster now. Tip for dog training: teach them to walk nice on a leash before they weigh 110 pounds!
That's about it - just kinda blah even though the weather is turning around. Need to try and work on that.
I must admit internet I have a new addiction. Something that takes me out of the world I live in for a few hours at a time and immerses me in a whole different world. A world where I get to be totally badass and blast the living daylights out of things that get in my way. I tell you it is super satisfying to just take down the monsters one by one. I wish it was that easy in real life to just eliminate the monsters.
My new addiction? World of Warcraft
Really...
I know, who would have ever thought it? I certainly never had any interest in role player games before. The idea of sitting at a computer for hours playing a game where I shoot things and kill then certainly never appealed before.
I started playing for my husband. He started playing and wanted me to play with him. So I took the 10 day free trial offer and at first I really wasn't that into it. Then I played some more, and some more. Now I am more into than he is. I am higher level than he is. My character can kick his character's ass! WOOT - but mostly I play with him and help him with his tasks.
Totally not my thing, I've never been a gamer, but I guess I am now?
The downside to all this - the only reason I am higher level and needing to help my husband in this game is because the MS has taken this away from him. He was the gamer, always playing things like Diablo or Half Life, etc. He was good at it. Not anymore. He can't follow the maps, he gets lost, he gets confused, he gets frustrated. He needs me to play with him. I enjoy playing on my own much more - with other friends and people who don't get lost, frustrated and aren't in the next room screaming at me to help them. I kinda wish he'd give up on it since it's so frustrating for him. But I don't think I can give up - not yet anyway.
So dear internet - this is where I have been. Running around disguised as a troll in a fantasy world for hours every day.
Normally I take it down on New Years Day or maybe the day after that. This is a small tree this year, won't take much time to take it down and yet I hesitate to do it. I realized why today.
Last year on the day I took my tree down my sweet cat Anni died. She was sleeping under the tree as I took it down and she came crawling out and literally started dying in front of me.
I have a 21 year old cat that looks like death warmed over. I think in the back of my mind I'm afraid that if I take the tree down he will just keel over like my poor Anni did last year.
This is a ridiculous fear, the cat is 21 years old and I think he's ready to go. I'm mostly ready for him to go, but I guess not as ready as I thought. :(
Here is Mike - my tree stays up in hopes that he can live a few more days...
Who knows - I am trying to embrace the potential of all this newness.
Today I did 30 minutes on my Wii Fit - first time in 265 days according to the judgy little guy who talks to you when you stand on it and says things like WHOA when you step on!
I plan to do it again tomorrow, one day at a time but hoping to make it a habit - it really is FUN and I certainly can't claim I don't have time anymore can I? LOL
In other news -well I've got nothing else yet. Starting Monday I am treating getting my business off the ground like a job - and job #1 is cleaning and setting up the office to be conducive to working. That should only take one day if I take it seriously.
Then I need to get down to business, a business plan, registering with SBA, getting a product list set up and priced. Getting the website live and ordering some business cards. Getting a list of prospects ready and starting to schedule some appointments. See one step at a time or I will get completely overwhelmed and just give up. :(
Change is scary, exciting, exhilarating, and more...
I really don't want to have to run the snowblower again on Sunday so we can get out for church and exchanging gifts with my sister and her family. I really don't want to stand out there in cold weather with snow blowing all over me and the wind whipping my cheeks until they turn red for days.
I don't want any more snow right now. Please just this one little favor? Keep the snow storm out of here!
One of the regular customers is a 76 year old man named Jim. He comes in with his neighbors - they keep an eye on him and bring him with them to the restaurant about once a week. I love this old guy, he flirts with me like only old men can and always tells me how "terrible" everything is with a sparkle in his eye.
Well tonight they were brave enough to venture out in the single digit weather for dinner. But Jim lost his balance trying to come up on the curb and he fell over backwards knocking his head quite hard on the pavement. He had the wind knocked out of him and wasn't really moving - the pizza guy and I both ran out to see what we could do (his neighbors are elderly too so we didn't want them trying to get him up).
Despite knowing that moving someone can be dangerous we decided that leaving a frail elderly man laying on cold pavement in minus wind chill weather would be much worse. So we got on each side of him and hoisted him up between us. We had quite a struggle to get him up the steps and into the restaurant. I had to lift his knees for him to get his feet up and then we had to hoist him up the step. Despite being old and somewhat frail he's not small - he's about 6'2" and probably around 180-190. He was not talking, not answering questions and not able to try pick his feet.
Once we got him seated inside the front door the owners sister showed up and since she is a nurse and rarely shows up it was perfect timing indeed. She took over while I called 911 and got some ice in a bag and applied it to the rapidly growing goose egg on the back of his head.
He kept getting confused, he was talking but he didn't seem to understand why he couldn't just go eat. We told him he fell and hit his head and needed to be checked out and he'd say "I did?" and then he'd be quiet for awhile and a few minutes later he'd ask again - "why can't we go eat?" and we'd tell him again.
He as taken to a local hospital and they didn't think he had a concussion they sent him home. I hope he's okay as he lives alone.
I hope to see him back at the restaurant as usual soon.
This is from last night - our group singing some rockin Christmas tunes - my heart really isn't in the season but I managed to muster some enthusiasm to sing at least:
In other news I got to use my fax machine today - it is a new toy that is actually part of my new HP OfficeJet All In One - Printer, Scanner, Copier, Fax - had to run a really long cord from the other room but was able to fax the Veteran’s Application for Increased Compensation Based on Unemployability right into the rep at the PVA.
Praying that this goes through and they approve it as it will mean $1100 more a month for Pete. That is the difference between 90% disabled and 100% disabled. I have to wonder why it's so much? Someone who is 90% disabled is not capable of much in the way of employment. But it seems appealing the claim to 100% is not wise - the rep from the PVA said that for him to be rated 100% he will either need to be completely unable to walk OR cognitively so out of it that he can't remember my name, his own name, what day it is, what year it is, etc. So yeah hoping he never gets that bad! Probably will end up in a wheelchair eventually but we want to put it off as long as we can. BUT we do need him rated as unemployable because HELLO - there is no way he could get or keep a job and he deserves this.
So wish us luck! And don't laugh too hard at my singing - not sure if there is anymore white girl clapping in this one for your amusement (ahem - Laura).
UM yeah I don't have a cold. I have bronchitis and walking pneumonia. Thankfully I got some antibiotics and narcotic cough syrup and will probably start feeling better in a few days.
The cough syrup? It's called Tussiniox and it works GREAT but it cost me $50 which royally pisses me off. :( There are tons of cough syrups with codeine in them that are available in generic and on my insurance company's formulary but nope the PA at my doctor's office prescribed this one with no generic.
So at the pharmacy they tell me I can go back to the doctor and ask them to prescribe something else and bring the prescription back with me and they will fill it, but they can't call and get it changed because it is for a controlled substance and I felt so sick and just wanted to go home and go back to bed that I paid the extra $40 and just took it.
Stupid addicts and their drug seeking behaviors make it difficult for people who are truly sick to get what they need.
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