Get Out of Hell Free Card....

My husband is not spiritual, nor is he religious and yet he claims himself to be catholic.  For a few years I went to mass with him and took part in the proceedings and became part of the community.  I sang in choirs and worked with youth.  I joined in and became a part of things.  And all the while he spent ever service bored to tears and either napping or distracting those who were trying to listen.  I figured I was there I should listen and try to learn  and I did.  But then we hit a crisis point and tried to talk to a priest.  It was mistake as the priest rather ignored our crisis and instead focused on things that the catholic's find important like getting first marriages annulled and calling my marriage invalid in the eyes of the church.  We both agreed we were done and haven't attended anywhere since.

Fast forward 2 years and remember my husband's illness is much more cognitive than physical these days.  He doesn't remember why exactly we left.  He wants to go back.  He doesn't bother to talk to me about that but rather starts calling priests and asking for explanations of why these things happened.  He told the priest that we stopped going because he insulted me and then when I came home from work today he thrusts the phone in my hands and says "tell Father M why you were mad at him" and I was mortified and annoyed and felt ambushed and super pissed off.

I was not mad at the priest and he did not insult me personally I just find it to be insulting that the church would dare to call my marriage invalid when I did not ask their opinion.

Fast forward he wants to start going to mass again. And of course he wants me to come.  I'm not catholic, was raised more evangelical and am now just protestant mostly.  I don't want to go back because my husband seems to view sitting in that pew once a week as some kind of get out of hell free card.  I told him this.  I will go but there is a condition, the first time he tries to play tic tac toe or whisper or distract me during the service, or if he is so rude as to pull out his phone and play a game or read his messages (he has done this) that I am DONE.  He will only get one strike here, he needs to listen and learn and be there for more than warming a seat or I'm not wasting my time.

He is the least religious and least spiritual person I know and I find the hypocrisy of  thinking that sitting in that seat was somehow enough when you treat your wife with disrespect on a daily basis just a bit much to take.

What if...

I have cried rivers of tears in the past year. I have wondered if anything would ever be right again. I have questioned my life, my choices, my faith, my God...

And I heard this song a few weeks ago, and it made the tears start rolling again but for a different reason. I have cried a river that I thought would drown me but somehow I have come out on the other side - stronger, happier, at peace.

And those prayers - they are being answered slowly but surely. And I think maybe a thousand sleepless nights is exactly what it took to change the only thing that I could ever really hope to change - me.

I hope the song moves you as it has moved me.

Blessings... Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise