Friday, August 13, 2010

Hope and Despair

The hope part - I got the part time gig - but it's way more part time than I had thought based on the ad. The job will only be 10-15 hours a MONTH! But it's with a marketing company and it's a marketing job so it will help my resume to not completely die. Also there are other companies that do the same job for other clients/brands and I can have more than one job at a time, many reps work for 3-4 or more and get paid 3-4 times for the same hour of work. Sounds good to me! :) I'm working on finding those other jobs now.

The despair part - I was listening to a song about loss, losing a loved one and saying goodbye especially. And I thought how cut and dried that was and how though no one really knows what to say they do somehow find the right thing. When your loved one slips away a little at a time and turns into someone you don't recognize and sometimes don't like and yet is still there and present physically? Well people have no clue what you are going through and if they do they don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to grieve my husband because he is alive and in my bed each night and yet this man that I am married to bears no resemblance (other than the physical) to the one I married 10 years ago most days.

Every once in awhile the old guy peeks out, shows kindness, shows compassion, shows love. Those are the moments that keep me going.


sunshine said...

First of all, Congratulations on getting the job!!!
Even though it isn't exactly what you expected, you're so right, you can build upon it.

I sort of know what you are going through with your hubby. (in a way).
My dad died 13 years ago and before he passed away, toxins got into his brain (about 8-10 months before he died). Every once in awhile, I'd still see my Dad in there but for the most part, he became a totally different man. It was difficult, tip toeing around this other guy. I know that it was really hard on my Mother as well.
So, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine living with that day to day ...


Kate said...

That's a tough spot your in. It's hard enough to go through that, but to go through that AND be worried about making ends meet, that's so tough! I'll be thinking and praying for you and your family!

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I KNOW exactly how you feel and I always say its like living with the walking dead. My husband shows no hints of himself so consider those moments great. As for people they were there when it first happened and now nothing. Its lonely and I just try to hang in.
congrats on the job

Layne said...

There's a song by Casting Crowns (I think) called Slow Fade. I think it's from the movie Fireproof and that phrase- slow fade, is exactly what my daddy did. He never got horribly sick. He was on dialysis every single night but he was never in the hospital lingering on. He just slowly faded away. He was resentful and angry and downright mean to my momma sometimes but I'm certain it was his frustration that was causing it all. I'm sure Pete's is very similar in nature. I haven't had had to experience the man I love as a significant other in a slow fade but I did watch my daddy. It's heart breaking without a doubt.

I love and appreciate you and truly hate that you are having to go thru this. We keep praying.