Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Exercise in Futility...

My husband is negative, always negative.  He will focus on the things that piss him off rather than the good times every time.

He just got back from 8 days all expenses paid in Aspen, CO where he got to ski and kayak and scuba dive and spend time with other veterans.  I have to drag out of him the fun things he did, but he will readily tell me about the other veteran on his team who pissed him off and what a bitch he thinks she is.

If you ask him about our cruise in 2011, he will not mention the great times, the swimming with dolphins, the money he won playing poker, the great shows we saw.  Nope he won't talk about those things at all.  He will tell you about the kids who ran in front of his chair without watching where they were going and the little girl who screamed in his ear at the buffet one night.

Today we went to see a friend for lunch.  Originally it was just me and the friend but I was feeling generous and took him along.  As soon as we got there he was complaining about all the slow drivers, then as we are trying to converse he's telling her about how my brother in law (that she doesn't even know) pissed him off last night over something really ridiculously stupid.

I SNAPPED - "STOP COMPLAINING" I said "All you ever do is complain, complain, complain, you are the most negative person I know and it's driving me CRAZY"

This was of course the WRONG thing to do but everyone has their breaking point and I had reached mine.  I wanted to spend time with my friend being positive and friendly and not bitching about people she doesn't even know.

He went nuts of course, stood up and stormed out after yelling loudly at me in the restaurant that we were headed for divorce.  I called his bluff and said - "FINE file the damn papers already" and he starts to leave but goes and gets a to go container to take his food, then comes back to pack it up and we talked him into staying.  I did apologize to my friend for snapping and starting the mess. She understands and certainly doesn't blame me.  In fact she has told me many times that she could not/would not do what I'm doing.

Ever since, I'm still a bit shook up by it.  Him? He's acting like nothing ever happened.  Isn't dementia fun?


Jennifer Leeland said...

Everyone has their breaking point. I do wonder if you need to blow off a little steam sometimes or you'll blow a gasket.
I hate when spouses throw around the D word.

Tricia said...

The D word - he throws it out in every major argument. It used to reduce me to a puddle of tears. It used to scare me. But I have learned he does not really want that it's just a ploy to try and manipulate me to his will. I call his bluff. Fine - file the papers. When he whines about hating living here in NY and wanting to leave I tell him "go then but know I'm not coming". It shuts him down fairly quickly. His manipulations no longer work on me.

Patrick Leer said...

No doubt the onset of dementia age is frustrating, though down the road as in our story when I spend time with Patti, I have no lung cancer in her dementia.