My Heart Hurts...

Today we put up Christmas lights - I didn't want to. I'm not in the spirit, I hate hanging outside lights because one no one even sees them and two we aren't even going to be here for Christmas. But my husband wanted to do it so I went along with it.

We had to buy new lights because the ones I used last year got ruined and were not usable. So there goes $25 on lights. Then we had to borrow my dad's ladder because ours is not tall enough to reach our gutters. (I admit here interwebz that when I called and asked to borrow my dad's ladder I had hoped he would offer to come do it, but he didn't and I didn't ask)

So we get this enormous tall ladder unfolded and leaned against the house and quick as a monkey my husband climbs all the way on the fucking roof! I'm losing my mind - he can hardly walk on the ground, he trips and stumbles and falls easily and now he's 20 feet up on the fucking roof? I pitched a first rate royal fit and insisted he get down NOW including real hysterical tears. He calls me all kinds of names, he refuses, I keep insisting, I refuse to give him the things he needs to do the lights unless he gets down.

He climbs down and I breathe a sigh of relief that his feet are back on the ground and that the furthest he can now fall is a few feet off his ass. I tell he he should be glad someone cares and that if his mother knew I LET him climb on the roof she'd tear me a new one. He tells me to shut the fuck up and then refuses to do anything more with the lights. I'm half tempted to just tear them down and be done with it. BUT I climb that shaking tall ladder over and over and over crying every time I do it because I HATE ladders - I hate them. Maybe it's because I'm not a small woman and I figure fat chicks have no business hanging to the top of ladders? I feel like I'm going to fall the entire time.

This ladder is heavy and every time I run out of reach I have to move the ladder over and everytime I move it I'm sure it's going to fall over. One time it does fall over and twists my back and wrenches my shoulder as it goes. BUT I finish, oh and to make things more interesting while I'm doing this my husband comes back out and tells me I take things too far. Then another time he comes out and tells me to get a lawyer cause we're getting divorced. I'm tempted to call his bluff here because I'm so sick of his shit.

I finish the lights. I fold the ladder back up and come inside. I go to my office to be alone, I don't even want to look at him. What does he do? He comes to find me to tell me "I could have done all of that you know!"

I have no words. I did something I didn't want to do, he turned it into a big ordeal. Rather than realize I have his best interests at heart when making him get off the roof he stews, he threatens divorce. He makes fun of me for being afraid on the ladder, he calls me a wuss for crying when swaying at the top of a big ladder. Then instead of thanking me for doing it or at the very least letting it go, he has to get in one last jab.

Days like this I'm not sure it's worth it to fight him? Maybe I should have just let him fall off the roof and kill himself?

Merry Christmas