I've come to realize that I am not as ambitious as I used to think I was. At first I felt all put out thinking my new boss was much younger than me but through recent discoveries I realize he is not much younger after all - maybe one year? But still why are we the same age - me with more education - and him with a much higher job?
Well because he takes action. He steps up. He takes charge. If I am told to lead I lead but I am also just as content to follow quite often if there is someone competent in the lead. Most of the time when I step up and take charge it's because I don't think anyone else is capable of doing the job as well as me. I used to feel that way more often.
Last night mentioning my new boss - my husband once again asked why I wasn't considered for that job. I told him because I've only had my current job for 6 months and I don't have the experience that he has. I'm not qualified. Hubby gets all up in arms - but, but you have an MBA - does he have an MBA? Well no but apparently having an MBA doesn't' make you an instant leader. Who knew?
I have been told that I have the intellect and the skills to be a super star here. It's nice to hear but I don't seem to have the motivation to be a super star at least not this week. I procrastinate - like with everything else - putting in the effort to really shine. Perhaps it's past experiences, where I put in the effort, went the extra mile, was praised for it, and yet somehow never promoted. In my last job I put in minimal effort BUT in that organization it was enough to shine and be promoted. I never gave 100% and now I"m in a habit, a slump I guess. If I want to shine here I need to jump out of it - start giving it my all - really put in that 100%. I don't know if I have it in me anymore. Maybe it's just that this job doesn't inspire me? It's a good job. It's a careerbuilding job. It could launch me. And yet I don't seem to care.
When hubby (thinking he's being my hero and defender) talks about how I deserve more, I should have more, I should get promoted, etc... it makes me feel a failure. I finally told him this last night. I know he doesn't mean it that way, he wants me to know he thinks I'm smart and capable and deserving. But asking why I'm not considered for every single job higher than my own, and asking me if every new boss I have has an MBA like I do makes me feel like he thinks I'm a failure. He said he doesn't mean it that way, but that he will refrain if he remembers.
It doesn't change the fact that I do sometimes feel a failure. I used to have such big dreams, now I just want to come to work, go home and live my life. I don't really want to climb the ladder into a demanding executive role and yet I feel like I should want to. Maybe if I was more into my job I would want to?
Maybe I'm just in a slump - too many other things in my life (hubby's disease and current unemployed status) to really put any more of myself into anything?