Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Hurting...

Things have been bad lately - husband flies into a rage over any tiny thing that doesn't go his way. He is clinically depressed (started see a therapist today so HOPE), has severe anger issues, and is just all around miserable. I take the brunt of his misery and it is making me seriously depressed too.

To recap my life of late:
  • Working at a job I don't like for a boss I can't respect
  • Husband not working since September, financial security crumbling around me
  • Husband in the process of getting VA Disability but it takes so long
  • Husband has ZERO patience for above
  • Bills to pay (lots and lots)
  • House to care for
  • Bank account empty - back to living paycheck to paycheck after a decade of prosperity
  • Wondering how to get enough money to pay everything on time
  • Considering paying the car insurance with a credit card when it next comes due in Sept
  • Considering cashing in retirement accounts that have lost 50% of their value in the last 2 years at a HUGE loss to pay bills
  • Wondering if my marriage can survive one more screaming fight
  • Wondering if my heart can
  • Feeling guilty for thinking how nice it might be to come home to an empty house with no one to yell and no expectations
  • Feeling even more guilty for even thinking of abandoning the disabled spouse - "in sickness" and all that
  • Praying super hard that vacation will ease some tension and put some levity back into the situation

6 comments:

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I feel your pain on all of these. it is bad enough to deal with but when you feel like you are doing it entirely alone is double trouble. and I have to deal with the fact that I resent him every single day.
I hope things get better and try to enjoy your bit of vacation.

Shelby said...

Tricia, been there done that on almost all of those. Sometimes, in my fantasies, I'm living a nice quiet peaceful life without all of the hassles of a disabled spouse and it feels so -- peaceful and free, I guess -- and then I remember that to achieve that, my husband will have to have died. And I feel worse than awful because OF COURSE that's not what I want. But to envision an easier, less-complicated life is pretty natural I think.

I can't think of one single thing I can do or say that will help you except to say that I have prayed for you and will continue to. And my email is on my blog and I'll be happy to give you my phone number if you need a sympathetic ear.

verybadcat said...

I do think vacation will help. A change of pace, a little relief from the harsh realities that life is right now.

The only other thing to say is I love you.

krystyn said...

Eeeks -sorry you are going thru all of this. i can relate on the paycheck to paycheck part and that is stressful enough w/o all the other things you are having to deal with. i hope the vacation helps ease the stress.

Tricia said...

Thanks everyone! I am feeling better today finally - it was a hell of a few days. Friday started a chain of events that sent me spiraling down. I think I'm on the way back up now.

And tomorrow I'll be on the beach - that is all good right?

Unrepentant said...

Good to hear you're feeling better. It must be a mid-age thing that we feel so hopeless and afraid some days.

I must admit, though, that financial issues make me quite depressed.

Have a good time a the beach.