It is how I feel about life right now and I don't like it BUT it's not a new feeling - this used to be how I lived my life.
Payday would arrive and I'd breathe a sigh of relief and get that check in the bank before the checks I wrote the night before bounced. I didn't know what it was like to have a cushion, I sometimes chose which bill to short this month because there just wasn't enough. It was usually a credit card bill and soon my credit SUCKED and I couldn't get a new credit card to save my life. I even stopped getting the free offers cause they didn't want to waste the postage to get my hopes up.
Then I met my now husband and decided I should try to become more fiscally responsible. We moved in together and my car was a piece of crap and dying. After rescuing me a few times and changing my alternator once he decided I needed a new car and when he said a new car he meant BRAND SPANKING NEW. He gave me some cash to put down and helped me get a brand new Toyota Corolla and I loved that car!
Soon after my grandfather decided he should offer to bail me out as he had done to my sister and my mom and my aunt before me. He sent me a check big enough to pay off all my credit card debt with the caveat that I close the accounts and never rack up CC debt again. (I did great for a long time btw!) And I paid him back as much as I could every month for 4 years until I was completely out of debt.
Then I married the man with the golden credit. And 10 years later my credit is nearly as golden as his - I think the credit rating companies are sexist and give a few extra points for having a penis (but that is another post entirely).
Now I value my credit rating, I cherish it, I don't want it to drop. But I wonder how long it will be until I have to start making choices again? I think it's just my decade of fiscal responsibility has gotten me used to having a nice big cushion in my checking account and a side account with easily accessible cash for emergencies. But the emergency happened when my husband became unemployed. The side account is gone, the checking account cushion is 1/4 of what it used to be and I am nervous all the time.
I never used to mind this and in fact 10 years ago if my checking account had the balance I have now I'd have thought that was GREAT! Today it gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I guess I grew up and sometimes being grown up and responsible really sucks! At least I haven't paid a bounced check fee in a decade, that part is good I guess!
I'm still flying - at least I haven't crashed and burned - YET!