To me it all comes down to promises kept. If you promise to do something for someone you do it. If you promise you won't do something because you know you shouldn't and they asked you not to you don't do it.
Recently my husband made some promises to me in an effort to recover what we once had. He does not want to keep his end of the bargain now, says he didn't realize what he was promising. But to me not keeping these promises is a deal breaker and I'm ready to walk.
I feel like a bitch if I put it out there like that and yet this is how I feel. Do what you said you would, keep your promises or I will no longer feel bound to keep mine.
That my lack of energy and illness is not just from the cold I caught - saw the doctor today and he wondered why I've never really been tested for asthma considering my chart and how often I have this bronchial trouble. So he gave me a peak flow meter and I was blowing less than 1/3 what I should. So he gave me a nebulizer treatment in the office and then it was slightly better more like 1/2 what I should. He sent me home with Advair, Prednisone and some good Hydrocodone Cough Syrup to quell the coughing. He thinks I'll be feeling much better in 3-4 days and gave me 2 weeks of Advair in sample packs and then wants me to come back to see him. He also sent me home with the peak flow meter and wants me to jot down some numbers to see how much improvement I get.
I have had rescue inhalers before when ill but I hate them - they make me choke - I just cannot inhale - I am no pot head that is for sure I could never inhale so what is the point. LOL Anyway the Advair inhaler is not aerosol you just inhale it using the force of your lungs and it doesn't make me want to die like the other one.
He may keep me on it long term - he calls my combination of asthma symptoms and chronic bronchitis COPD or Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder - oh yay same illness class as emphysema. All these years of NEVER smoking and my lungs are still compromised thanks to years of second hand smoke I'm sure.
Anyway hoping that the improvement in lung function may also help show improvement in my attitude and energy level.
I am so apathetic these days, and part of it is this cold, snowy winter but it seems like more than that. I think I am probably depressed, well duh some of you say, but seriously I have never had this problem where I couldn't just force myself to snap out of it.
I am still trying to snap out of it but failing and that seems to make the problem worse. I am also sick again. I had bronchitis the first week of the year and spent 10 days on Augmentin and thought I was mostly over it. But I went on a trip with my youth group that meant 7.5 hours on the bus to DC and then 10 hours mostly outside in the cold (about 19) and then another 7.5 hours on the bus back home. During this time I slept about 90 minutes in 30 minute increments. I left home at 8:30 on Sunday night and arrived home again at 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday and crashed HARD.
My husband also has bronchitis and a sinus infection that he picked up skiing in New Hampshire. He brought it home to me. I don't think I have another infection - coughing is not productive and mostly annoying. But I will try to hit the doctor in the morning and would like an inhaler or a nebulizer and some narcotic cough syrup. That and a weekend of sleeping should help.
And just praying that once I get my health back that the depression and the apathy might finally go away?
Why can they break bones and act like it's nothing and then turn into a whining, cranky child because of a cold?
2 weeks ago I had bronchitis, taking heavy duty antibiotics and narcotic cough syrups to survive day to day and I managed to still go to work most of the time and while I wasn't great company I wasn't grouchy and mean.
He has a cold - a bit of a cough, stuffy nose, and he's Mr. Crabby Pants! Seriously. I am still coughing from the bronchitis from the 1st week of January and I am dealing.
The job is a job, the weather is depressing, the status of my marriage is still in limbo land, we are trying but there is a lot to overcome and I feel like he's not trying as hard as he should. Overall I am just feeling blah.
Husband tells me to quit my job - we probably COULD afford it but where does that leave me if this relationship rescue goes south? With no income and totally dependent on him? I'm not ready for that.
Husband wants to go on a vacation - we definitely can afford it but I don't have any time at work. He wants me to ask for unpaid time and frankly while they would probably give it to me I have to wonder what makes me entitled when no one else is? I'm not asking for unpaid time to take care of a medical issue, or a child, I'd be asking for unpaid time to go on a cruise, or to the beach. I just don't know if I can ask for that, feels weird. :(
I want the husband to take me seriously, to really do what he said he would do and stop pushing limits. I want him to realize that this is our last chance and not think I'll cave and give in like I have a hundred times before if he blows it off this time.
I want to be happy, desperately happy, I want it more than anything and it feels so far out of my grasp.
My favorite new song and it has a great message for me!
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create...
There's a girl in the corner With tear stains on her eyes From the places she's wandered And the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was. And I'm crippled by the fear That I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are, What's been done for you? Yeah don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
Well she tries to believe it That she's been given new life But she can't shake the feeling That it's not true tonight
She knows all the answers And she's rehearsed all the lines And so she'll try to do better But then she's too weak to try
But don't you know who you are?
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done, But what's been done for you. This is not about where you've been, But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel, But what He felt to forgive you, And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
You are more than the choices that you've made, You are more than the sum of your past mistakes, You are more than the problems you create, You've been remade.
You've been remade You've been remade. You've been remade.
Still hopeful, still hanging in there, but expecting miracles end with disappointment. People don't change overnight and sometimes they don't change at all. We however are changing, very slowly, but the old hurts are still there and trust doesn't come back overnight.
We have a lot of people praying for us, that has to be helping.
After a very long and hard few years filled with anger and resentment, filled with fear and rejection and growing further and further apart. With fears of losing my sanity, fears that perhaps the man I loved was really gone and the angry man in his place was who I was going to be stuck with forever - I now have hope.
The hot mess that was my life reached a crisis point on Thursday night. I just couldn't take much more and so I laid it all out there. I bared my soul to him, to the man I still love desperately despite all of these things that have been so bad. I told him that something had to change, that we were so far apart and both so miserable. I told him I thought "we" were worth fighting for and that I wanted to save our marriage, to fall in love with each other all over again, to work for it.
He is not here - he is 650 miles away from here and I sent this desperate and lonely plea out over the interwebz to him and then waited to see what he said. I figured at this point it was 50/50 whether he came back to me or we just said let's give this up before we both go insane.
Well he came back to me. We have talked, shared, opened up, bared souls. And today starting 2011 I can honestly say this is the first year in a long time that I really do believe that this year will be better than the last.
And since total honestly and open communication is what we are working for it's time I give my husband the URL to this blog. I don't know if he will read it, my online diary of love, fear and pain since 2008 but I have to tell him it's here and just let the chips fall where they may.
And Pete - I hope that when (if) you read some of the things here you will see me the real me and know that with some of the postings I was very hurt and yet through it all I have loved you.
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