After a very long and hard few years filled with anger and resentment, filled with fear and rejection and growing further and further apart. With fears of losing my sanity, fears that perhaps the man I loved was really gone and the angry man in his place was who I was going to be stuck with forever - I now have hope.
The hot mess that was my life reached a crisis point on Thursday night. I just couldn't take much more and so I laid it all out there. I bared my soul to him, to the man I still love desperately despite all of these things that have been so bad. I told him that something had to change, that we were so far apart and both so miserable. I told him I thought "we" were worth fighting for and that I wanted to save our marriage, to fall in love with each other all over again, to work for it.
He is not here - he is 650 miles away from here and I sent this desperate and lonely plea out over the interwebz to him and then waited to see what he said. I figured at this point it was 50/50 whether he came back to me or we just said let's give this up before we both go insane.
Well he came back to me. We have talked, shared, opened up, bared souls. And today starting 2011 I can honestly say this is the first year in a long time that I really do believe that this year will be better than the last.
And since total honestly and open communication is what we are working for it's time I give my husband the URL to this blog. I don't know if he will read it, my online diary of love, fear and pain since 2008 but I have to tell him it's here and just let the chips fall where they may.
And Pete - I hope that when (if) you read some of the things here you will see me the real me and know that with some of the postings I was very hurt and yet through it all I have loved you.