Apathy is no friend of mine...

I am so apathetic these days, and part of it is this cold, snowy winter but it seems like more than that. I think I am probably depressed, well duh some of you say, but seriously I have never had this problem where I couldn't just force myself to snap out of it.

I am still trying to snap out of it but failing and that seems to make the problem worse. I am also sick again. I had bronchitis the first week of the year and spent 10 days on Augmentin and thought I was mostly over it. But I went on a trip with my youth group that meant 7.5 hours on the bus to DC and then 10 hours mostly outside in the cold (about 19) and then another 7.5 hours on the bus back home. During this time I slept about 90 minutes in 30 minute increments. I left home at 8:30 on Sunday night and arrived home again at 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday and crashed HARD.

My husband also has bronchitis and a sinus infection that he picked up skiing in New Hampshire. He brought it home to me. I don't think I have another infection - coughing is not productive and mostly annoying. But I will try to hit the doctor in the morning and would like an inhaler or a nebulizer and some narcotic cough syrup. That and a weekend of sleeping should help.

And just praying that once I get my health back that the depression and the apathy might finally go away?

Why is it men are such babies about colds?

Why can they break bones and act like it's nothing and then turn into a whining, cranky child because of a cold?

2 weeks ago I had bronchitis, taking heavy duty antibiotics and narcotic cough syrups to survive day to day and I managed to still go to work most of the time and while I wasn't great company I wasn't grouchy and mean.

He has a cold - a bit of a cough, stuffy nose, and he's Mr. Crabby Pants! Seriously. I am still coughing from the bronchitis from the 1st week of January and I am dealing.

He is driving me crazy. GRRRR

Just wishing for life to be easier all around...

The job is a job, the weather is depressing, the status of my marriage is still in limbo land, we are trying but there is a lot to overcome and I feel like he's not trying as hard as he should. Overall I am just feeling blah.

Husband tells me to quit my job - we probably COULD afford it but where does that leave me if this relationship rescue goes south? With no income and totally dependent on him? I'm not ready for that.

Husband wants to go on a vacation - we definitely can afford it but I don't have any time at work. He wants me to ask for unpaid time and frankly while they would probably give it to me I have to wonder what makes me entitled when no one else is? I'm not asking for unpaid time to take care of a medical issue, or a child, I'd be asking for unpaid time to go on a cruise, or to the beach. I just don't know if I can ask for that, feels weird. :(

I want the husband to take me seriously, to really do what he said he would do and stop pushing limits. I want him to realize that this is our last chance and not think I'll cave and give in like I have a hundred times before if he blows it off this time.

I want to be happy, desperately happy, I want it more than anything and it feels so far out of my grasp.

You Are More...

My favorite new song and it has a great message for me!

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create...

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

~Tenth Avenue North

Slow start to 2011

Still hopeful, still hanging in there, but expecting miracles end with disappointment. People don't change overnight and sometimes they don't change at all. We however are changing, very slowly, but the old hurts are still there and trust doesn't come back overnight.

We have a lot of people praying for us, that has to be helping.

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

After a very long and hard few years filled with anger and resentment, filled with fear and rejection and growing further and further apart. With fears of losing my sanity, fears that perhaps the man I loved was really gone and the angry man in his place was who I was going to be stuck with forever - I now have hope.

The hot mess that was my life reached a crisis point on Thursday night. I just couldn't take much more and so I laid it all out there. I bared my soul to him, to the man I still love desperately despite all of these things that have been so bad. I told him that something had to change, that we were so far apart and both so miserable. I told him I thought "we" were worth fighting for and that I wanted to save our marriage, to fall in love with each other all over again, to work for it.

He is not here - he is 650 miles away from here and I sent this desperate and lonely plea out over the interwebz to him and then waited to see what he said. I figured at this point it was 50/50 whether he came back to me or we just said let's give this up before we both go insane.

Well he came back to me. We have talked, shared, opened up, bared souls. And today starting 2011 I can honestly say this is the first year in a long time that I really do believe that this year will be better than the last.

And since total honestly and open communication is what we are working for it's time I give my husband the URL to this blog. I don't know if he will read it, my online diary of love, fear and pain since 2008 but I have to tell him it's here and just let the chips fall where they may.

And Pete - I hope that when (if) you read some of the things here you will see me the real me and know that with some of the postings I was very hurt and yet through it all I have loved you.

My favorite Christmas Song

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I have always loved this song and all versions of it but Robert Downey Jr. singing it from Ally McBeal is probably my favorite. Couldn't find the whole song online but have it on my ipod and this time of year I play it over and over.

I wish...

All about meme...

My young friend Kristen has posted 30 random and obscure facts about herself on her blog and so I though I might copy her and do the same just to liven things up a bit.

1. Despite all outward appearances I am really a pretty insecure person, I hide it well most days

2. I tell people I didn't want any children but secretly we tried and it just didn't happen and now I am thankful it didn't as my husband requires more attention than any child and I think a child would resent that.

3. I read all 4 of the Twilight books and I didn't hate them.

4. I have read all 7 of the Harry Potter books and LOVED them.

5. I am probably going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1 today because I can't wait much longer.

6. I love The Biggest Loser - and I aspire to get off the couch and get working at it one day, but I also secretly think about gastric bypass and how that might be the easier route.

7. I am a Christian, I don't attend church as often as I should but I do work with the youth group religiously. I get much more from our youth group meetings and the kids than a regular service.

8. I dream of building a barn and having a goat farm.

9. I am an officially licensed Dairy Goat judge and have been for 18 years.

10. I have an MBA and sometimes think about going back to school again for more degrees

11. Despite #10 I am not a highly ambitious person anymore, I would love to be a housewife and a student rather than have a career.

12. I am a dog person - love the unconditional love you get from a canine companion.

13. I am also a cat person - adore the independent spirit of a cat and how the deign to love you despite your imperfect humanness.

14. I am a waitress - part time - and have been off and on for years. Of all the jobs I've had I think I love waitressing the most, people are typically happy and having fun and I get to have fun with them.

15. There are mistakes I've made that I would totally go back and change if I could, even if it means I'm a different person today because of it. Maybe ESPECIALLY if it would change who I am today.

16. I am a republican, conservative, and not ashamed of it. I don't talk politics because I consider it a waste of time, but I am not ashamed of what I believe in.

17. I am pro-life and proud of it. I am working on a trip for our youth group to take them to the 2011 March for Life on January 24th. I think it's an experience they will never forget and will change them for the better.

18. I love to sing, I once dreamed of being a professional singer when I was very young and a big fish in a very tiny puddle. I still love to sing but I know I'm not all that.

19. I wish I could play an instrument and I own a keyboard and a guitar and cannot play either.

20. I am stubborn, very, very stubborn when pushed.

21. I can be very competitive when challenged. A competitor in my job (a competing paper) recently challenged me and I told her straight out "game on"! I want to crush her.

22. I love Facebook - and spend too much time on there

23. I twitter too but am mostly over twitter, just do it now and again and have cut back on who I read.

24. I have been married 10 years, things are far from blissful these days. :(

25. I recently found out that I qualify for free healthcare through the VA because of my husbands disability. As long as I stay married to him it's for the rest of my life.

26. I say I can't stand reality TV but I watch Survivor again.

27. I was a LOSTie and I am very sad without LOST every week. I was not thrilled with how it wrapped up and ended.

28. I am tired most of the time, would sleep 15 hours a day if I could. Maybe it's depression?

29. I dream of getting on a plane for a tropical destination with a suitcase full of good books and my bathing suit and sunscreen. I would lay under an umbrella by a pool sipping frozen fruity concoctions and reading for a week. I would not tell anyone where I was going.

30. RE #29 I'm not sure I would come back.

Hell Froze Over

Seriously, my husband admitted he was wrong about something major. It might be a first for him.

I went back to work full time about 4 weeks ago and I am no longer home to be at his beck and call, to drive him to everything he needs/wants to go to. He has driven himself to the VA twice without major incident (which is great because I was afraid he couldn't managed that) BUT he doesn't like it. He wants me to go with him, wants me to be able to go to Ohio for a week or more at Christmas and I can't because I don't have vacation time yet. He admitted that I was right in my original desire to only work part time so I could be available to take him all these places.

Now I'm working too much and I'm tired all the time and I don't want to go places or do things with him. I just don't feel like doing anything after I've spent all day in my car driving around and talking to people and being rejected over and over (I sell advertising and for every yes I get there are 10 no's). When I get home I want to relax, make some dinner, watch TV and not deal with people. He has been home all day and wants to go out to eat or to Walmart or Target just to get out of the house.

Something will have to give 0r maybe I will just get used to it all but my crazy schedule has me home only 2 nights during the week and on those nights the husband wants to make me go out too and I have to revolt.

Get out there today and VOTE!

Whatever your political leanings - get out there today and exercise the right to vote! For those of us who are of the female persuasion it was a hard earned right and has been less than 100 years since some very brave women fought and were horribly persecuted in their quest to earn that right for us - let's use it!