Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Terrible Tuesday

Found out that my husband is being a total fucktard again. I don't want to go into a lot of details here but he has really put me through the wringer this past year and it looks like he might be getting ready to do it again.

How do I know this? Well it's because I'm a horrible snooping wife. I need to stop the snooping because it just causes me horrible internal angst. But he is the one who initially ruined the trust, and caused me to feel like I had to keep tabs on him. So I blame him for causing me to be a snoop in the first place.

So what am I going to do? If I let him know I'm on to him he will just hide it better and I'll be in the dark and he'll act like I'm the bad guy in all of this, which maybe I am. The lack of trust certainly shows in other areas of our relationship and maybe I'm driving him away.

Today I'm just sad, and confused, a bit lonely and somewhat nauseous. Not necessarily looking for opinions or advice (since I didn't really share details you'd be shooting in the dark anyway) but just feeling down and felt like pouring out a bit of it here.

6 comments:

LISA EMRICH said...

Tricia,
I hear what you are saying (and am a lifelong snoop myself.) What you do with the information is important for YOU. How far are you willing to act upon the info? Do you want to risk tipping your hand and lose access to your information source? How much snooping do you need to conduct in order to satisfy yourself? It probably would be best to refrain from snooping too much because it can become an obsession and can create much pain within. Maybe you would find talking with a professional counsellor to be vastly helpful.
I'm sorry you are stuck in this predicament.

Meghan said...

I'm sorry to hear you're having a crappy day/events. If you ever need someone to blogrant to I'm here.

Otherwise have a bath and appreciate YOU :)

Jennifer McKenzie said...

I love ya'. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing.
*hugs*

Anne said...

I don't know you too well as I've only been coming here a short while. I do know you have every right to snoop (it's your husband for god sake). Never ignor your women's intuition- she's usually spot on. I hope things work out for you!

Meghan said...

I'm really sorry Tricia, I hope you're able to resolve whatever it is you've found and find a way to talk to Pete. I understand why you felt compelled to look given the past year, but it's a tough place for a person to be in because when you find something suspicious, fears tend to fill in blanks and make assumptions for you that might not be accurate. In other words, if you're already in a mode of thinking the worst, anything you find is going to be perceived that way without benefit of hearing the other person's explanation. Then again, the especially tough part is that sometimes it is accurate. In any case, I'm really sorry it's hurting. :-(

Tricia said...

Thanks everyone. I haven't really resolved the situation but I do have a sort of game plan into place. And thanks to Meghan for some additional comments in email.

It is definitely the illness driving the behavior which is what makes it hard. This is not behavior you would tolerate from a well man - so why should I tolerate it from a sick one? Well because this illness is affecting his memory, his judgement, his reasoning ability.

But it still sucks. Big time.