Friday, November 21, 2008

Damn him for making me feel guilty...

Last night my husband found a website called cheapo air, and he started looking at airfare. To go to Dayton (his mom's) FOR CHRISTMAS! We spent last Christmas with his family - this year is my turn. We tend to alternate years for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. In 2007 we spent Christmas in Dayton, in 2006 we spent Thanksgiving there. I asked him if he wanted to go to Dayton next week for Thanksgiving WEEKS ago and he said no.

So he asks me last night if we can go to Dayton for Christmas. I didn't say no - but he knew I was upset and wanted to stay here. He says - "we spend every holiday with your family" and I never see mine. This is somewhat true but obviously if you read the first paragraph not entirely true. Sure we are always here and spend plenty of time with my family BUT we spent last Christmas with his and this year is MY TURN!

But still I feel guilty and start to cry because he hurt my feelings making me feel like I keep him from his family somehow. So I have to throw in my own hurtful words and I say "We see your family as often now as we did when they lived 45 minutes away from us, they couldn't be bothered to visit us then and nothing has changed, why should I have to give up Christmas with my family when they could just as easily come to us but won't?" I know this struck a nerve - we have lived in NY for almost 4 years and his family has NEVER been out to visit. In those 4 years we have been back there 5 times for visits. And it is not surprising - when we lived in Cincinnati - a mere 40 miles from his sister's place in Dayton they came to visit us at our house once in the 6 years we lived there ONCE! We always had to go to them and we did it 1-2 times a year. AND we found out that they were going to the Casino Boats in Indiana and driving right by our house on the highway (within 1 mile) and wouldn't stop or even call and see if we wanted to go with them. So no I don't feel a bit guilty about not wanting to drive the 11 hours or spend all day in airports and planes to go visit them for Christmas.

I do feel bad that my husband misses his family and they basically don't seem to care. But they are the ones really hurting him, not me.

So I woke up this morning to an email from hubby - he said he didn't mean to upset me, that we don't have to go to Dayton, just that even when we don't spend the actual holiday with my family we still see them (last year we did it the weekend after Christmas) and he does have a point. He was sweet, and told me he's just upset that none of them can be bothered to come visit him.

So I offered up New Years - said we should drive (11 hours driving versus 8 hours in airports) and take the dog - would be a lot cheaper $200 gas instead of $500 plane tickets.

I don't think he's up and reading email yet. I think I'm also going to send his mom an invite to come here and offer to buy her ticket. Hubby is home all day now and he and she could go places and spend time together if she stayed longer than a few days.

Yep I think that is what I will do.


verybadcat said...

Thank God for retail jobs, because if WH didn't work at Large Department Chain, we'd be headed down to Columbus, GA for Thanksgiving, and WH is in the same boat as Pete. We bought our first home two years ago, and not one member of his family has put a foot over the threshold.

It sucks. It makes me really angry.

Queen-Size funny bone said...

sometimes I just wish I didn't have to worry about anyone else and stay home with my immediate family and enjoy myself.

Meghan said...

One thing about my parents being gone is that we never have this disagreement. :-) My brothers are pretty much the same as Pete's family, though maybe it would be different if my mom and dad were still alive. I don't much care though, J's family has far better holiday feasts than mine...LOL and like you, I've come to dread the idea of traveling to cart a ton of presents home, cram in visits with everyone, get no rest or peace whatsoever and just generally a lot of stress to go back at those particular times.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

My family is scattered all over hell and tarnation, so we don't even do a his-and-mine thing because its not feasible. We live close to his family now, and I like that, we lived close to mine for 10 years. But I hate choosing. This year we're having Thanksgiving at a hospice, with someone else's family. I'm cooking! So no one feels slighted.