It doesn't work anymore. He throws it in there and I start thinking of how my life could be if I didn't have to be a constant caregiver to someone who treats me with disrespect and disdain. I start to think about doing what I want and going where I want and only having myself to worry about.
I still don't plan to divorce him - but that word no longer has the power to reduce me to a quivering mess of tears. I won't plead. I won't cry. If he insisted and left today I would miss what we had long ago - but I already miss that.
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3 comments:
I wish mine would divorce me because I can't and won't leave him but I too live with a man I no longer know. But i can't help but wonder that because we are becoming hard to some of these things are we losing ourselves?
When I think about why I don't want to be divorced now it isn't that I feel I wouldn't want to lose him but rather I wouldn't want to have to deal with all the hassle and explaining. I don't want to be a divorced woman, not that I want to keep him so bad. I do think I am totally losing myself because this is not me. NOt at all. :(
I didn't believe in divorce either. I would have stayed forever because we had children, even though it was not the best environment for them. But when my ex filed, I held my breath until it was over, afraid that he would change his mind. I have never regretted it and only wish I'd had the strength to be the one to make the decision MUCH earlier. I sincerely believe that my ex is happier too. It is not always a bad thing. I know what you mean though; I never wanted to be a divorcee and I have remained single and uninvolved for almost all of the 30+ years since. I would like to be with someone, but being alone is better than the marriage I was in.
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