I fight to hold it all together, to keep things going the way I want them to go, and to keep all the balls in the air, the plates spinning, etc. And some days I just want to forget it all.
Yesterday my husband tells me he wants to move back to Ohio and suggests that perhaps if I don't want to go that we should go our separate ways. He throws out the D word when being obstinate but for the first time I actually said - maybe that would be best. He kind of shut up then.
And yet I think if he really pushes this I will plant my feet and refuse to budge. We moved here because he didn't want to be in Cincinnati anymore and when I suggested coming here he was fine with it. Now he doesn't like it but I have no plans to move again. I have my family here to support me as he continues to deteriorate and if I get to Ohio with his family and he decides to be a total jerk well then I don't have my support system and honestly we can't afford to move.
I feel like if he could show me that he could be the husband I used to have again, the one that was kind most of the time, the one that said thank you sometimes and I'm sorry sometimes, well maybe for that guy I would consider moving again. But for the guy that I live with day to day now? Nope I'm not going to go, and honestly I'm not sure I want to try and hold it all together anymore. If it falls apart - it does - and I can say I tried, I truly did, but I just can't keep it up. I'm tired.
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3 comments:
you still need to take good care of yourself because I know it can be very exhausting.
I try but anytime I take a day to spend with my sister of a friend I get a major hassle from him because I was gone too long or out too late, or had too much fun without him I think? Hmmmm
How difficult. You're right, though; you can't be any help to him unless you have a support system of your own. He equally has the right to make decisions that are best for him and, of course, is entitled to make bad decisions if he wants to. Breathe.
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