I fight to hold it all together, to keep things going the way I want them to go, and to keep all the balls in the air, the plates spinning, etc. And some days I just want to forget it all.
Yesterday my husband tells me he wants to move back to Ohio and suggests that perhaps if I don't want to go that we should go our separate ways. He throws out the D word when being obstinate but for the first time I actually said - maybe that would be best. He kind of shut up then.
And yet I think if he really pushes this I will plant my feet and refuse to budge. We moved here because he didn't want to be in Cincinnati anymore and when I suggested coming here he was fine with it. Now he doesn't like it but I have no plans to move again. I have my family here to support me as he continues to deteriorate and if I get to Ohio with his family and he decides to be a total jerk well then I don't have my support system and honestly we can't afford to move.
I feel like if he could show me that he could be the husband I used to have again, the one that was kind most of the time, the one that said thank you sometimes and I'm sorry sometimes, well maybe for that guy I would consider moving again. But for the guy that I live with day to day now? Nope I'm not going to go, and honestly I'm not sure I want to try and hold it all together anymore. If it falls apart - it does - and I can say I tried, I truly did, but I just can't keep it up. I'm tired.