Have a Happy Period

I got this in an email from my 78 year old great uncle and laughed out loud but had to track down the original source and make sure it wasn't an urban legend before I reposted it. So I tracked down said Wendi Aarons and luckily she wasn't too hard to find! :) Here is the actual post that I've copied below:

An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

So there you have it readers - I was rolling. Only a man could have come up with that marketing slogan.

Manic Monday - my weekend discoveries....

So this was a relaxing laid back weekend and here are some things I discovered:

1. I rock at Wii tennis! Who knew since IRL I can't play tennis to save my life. Give me a Wii remote and I'm practically Anna Kournikova (okay so I look nothing like her but this is my fantasy right?)
   
   
2. Roasting whole cloves of garlic in olive oil in your oven makes your whole house smell like garlic. I still smell it in my coat this morning. It tasted great in the lasagna but damn the stench is too much.
   
   
3. Wii boxing is very hard - I suck at it! If it were real I'd be looking like my face was raw meat today. I don't think I'll try that again.
   
   
4. Four month old babies may just be the sweetest creatures on the planet. Playing with a cooing, giggling, sweet baby boy was a highlight of my Sunday. Conversely 4.5 year old boys with too much energy and not enough discipline are a fantastic form of birth control. I love him too but I don't want to snatch him up and take him home with me like I do with the 4 month old.
   
   
5. Wii bowling is great fun for the whole family (especially me since I am good at it! MUCH better than real bowling since there I usually end between 80 and 120 pins and in Wii bowling I hit 210 the other day). Saturday night a Wii bowling extravaganza with my mom, dad, me and hubby. I think we took turns winning and played until we were pooped then sat down at the table and played some good old fashioned board games.
   
   
6. Even Oscar Winners like Hilary Swank are not immune from making bad movies now and again - The Reaping - case in point. Hilary is the only redeeming thing about this very bad cult movie. Don't waste your time is my advice.
   
   
7. When the temperature goes from 38 degrees in the morning to 4 degrees by night time - I am probably going to get sick. Sure enough this morning a sore throat and a sinus headache are plaguing me. I hope it doesn't turn into the croupy cough mess I just finally got over.
   
   
8. Newly minted happy adoring hubby survived the weekend. Maybe he really is going to stick around? Here's hoping.

Happy Monday everyone (that part for VBC) and hoping that you don't have a case of the Monday's.

TGIF - Friday Ramblings

Who knew I had so much to say? When I started this blog I figured I might post once a week and here I am pouring myself out at least once a day. Ah well I always did like to talk (or ramble, whatever).

So clearly there is some weird force at work in my universe this week. Good work week, freaky lying husband problem, and now lovey, dovey husband. Just got another email that says "I LOVE YOU! =)" and while I laughed I also wonder - hmmmm what did he do? He did this once before, it was while he was unemployed and I was working full time and going to school full time. I had no time for him and he got it in his head that I was going to leave him for someone better and he turned it up a notch. All of a sudden he was romantic and sweet and loving. This feels a lot like that. This time though he was closer to the mark, there is no one else but he had been such a jerk at times that I had fantasized about living alone in an apartment with my cat again and how nice that might be.

Whatever it is I'm likely to have a very good valentines day if this keeps up.

Other rambling thoughts. I went grocery shopping at lunch today - I love when I can do this because it saves me a few hours of time on Saturday or Sunday in the supermarket. I love watching people in the grocery store though - even when I'm in a hurry I notice the crazies, people walking up and down the aisles talking to themselves are funny. People who are too timid to say "excuse me" and others who are too rude to bother and just push people out of their way. The crazy woman who will wait for 5 minutes while I put my groceries in the back of my SUV, taking cold stuff out and putting it in the cooler I keep in the back. Then I always put my cart back where it belongs - hate lazy people who just leave them. So this woman is sitting there through all of this and I notice her so I really start taking my time. I get in my car, get situated, take a drink of my soda, put my wallet back in my purse, and finally I back out and she's still there. I think she waited 8-10 minutes by the time I pulled out. Is it really that important to park 100 feet closer that you will wait 10 minutes to do it? I was 1/2 way up the lot too - not right up front.

My mom and dad are coming over for dinner tomorrow night. I'm making lasagna and breadsticks with salad, and then after dinner we are bowling on the Wii! :)

What do you do when you catch someone you love in a lie?

My husband lied to me - and badly - it was obvious he was lying as he stumbled around the lie and double talked. I was upset at the time as this lie involved an hour and a half long phone call he took in privacy from an ex girlfriend.

Here's how it went down - Wednesday night we are sitting in the living room watching TV when he suddenly answers his cell phone which he had set on vibrate and on his person (normally it's in ring mode and in his coat pocket) and he takes this call and goes out in the garage. As he leaves I look at him confused and say "who is it?" he says he'll tell me when he comes back in. Well 1 hour and 18 minutes to be exact later he comes back in.

I'm in tears because of this "private" conversation that he obviously doesn't want me to hear. And on his cell phone so I can't even eavesdrop on the other extension! (not that I would ever do that - just saying) He says it was a friend from the air force someone he was in Turkey with in 1985-86. Then he says it was a female friend - Diane. I'm no dummy and I've listened to him talk about his time in Turkey - Diane was his girlfriend so I say "you mean your ex-girlfriend Diane?" and he has the audacity to say "no this is a different Diane I never dated her" hello I'm really not that dumb lie #1. And the way it all went down it's obvious he was waiting for her call.

So I ask how she got his number and he says he called and left his number with her sister because she (Diane) had emailed him that day. I asked - how did she get your email? He says from another friend that he has kept in touch with over the years. I accept this as fact, UNTIL I ask - why did you call her sister? She emailed you but you have no contact information? Why didn't you just email her back. He says - I don't have her email address. WHAT?? This guy is a fucking MCSE Computer Nerd Extraordinare. He has to know that I'm not going to buy that and I say - really she emailed you and you don't have her email address? He fumbles around that it's her work email or somesuch nonesense lie #2. I let it go and go on to what on earth he could talk to her for that long about. Just catching up he says.

I let it go - but do some searching around later (next day) and find that he signed up for a reunion.com account (yes I am the awful snooping wife who goes into his email to see what he's up to - but only when he is clearly lying to me) and that he searched for her there. So he clearly initiated this contact - but why? He was 19 years old the last time he saw this person - he's 41 now. I don't understand what is going through his head. I was miserable on Thursday over this thinking all kinds of crazy things. (Some history - we have had a very rough 7-8 months in our marriage, all the MS crap going on, stress of job changes, and him going through a serious depression where he acted in ways that had him about 2 minutes from living in a cardboard box downtown, he was so close to ruining it all it's not funny and I'm still shell shocked by it all where as he, in typical man fashion, thinks that since we did get it all out in the open and I didn't throw his ass out on the street that it's all over and ancient history while I recap these events in my mind every time he does anything out of the ordinary - but I digress)

So I came home from work yesterday having sobbed like a child in the car on the way home from the stress of pretending nothing was wrong all day so as to keep co-workers from knowing about my crazy dysfunctional marriage. I come in the house and don't speak to him, still not sure what I'm going to say. I feed the animals and start cooking dinner. He comes in the kitchen, he's happy, he's planning a trip to Florida for us for the end of March, he tells me I look nice, he is like the husband I had 3 years ago and I wonder what alien being has taken over his body. I'm cautious, I'm reserved, he senses it but keeps going. He eats what I make without comment, thanks me for dinner - again unusual behavior for the husband I've had for the past year or so but more like the Ohio hubby I had before the depression set in. We are later watching TV and he says something that is very sweet and complimentary and I ask him why he is being so nice - he says "because I love you".

All I can say is "really"? Cause he hasn't been saying that much for the past year and in fact the last time was several months ago if my memory serves me right. So I say "wow that something I haven't heard in a while". He continues being sweet, acting happy. Something very strange is going on.

So did this one conversation with ex-girlfriend trigger this sudden happiness? And he threw me so off with his sudden change in behavior that I never did bring up the lie I had totally caught him in or address the reunion.com account. The thing is I wouldn't have cared that he wanted to get in touch with old friends - even an old girlfriend. If he had told me he found her and gave her his number and was hoping she'd call I'd have been okay with that. If she had called and he went in the other room (away from the TV) so he could hear better while he talked (but not out in the garage where I couldn't hear anything if I tried) I'd have left him alone. I had a call recently from a high school friend and we talked for 2 hours, that wouldn't bother me.

But he lied to me about how he got in touch with her, and he went to a place away from me so I couldn't hear his conversation. And that made me suspicious and catching him in his lies made me very hurt. And now I feel like I've stepped into a time machine and it's happy go lucky husband and I'm the bitter bitch that the past year has turned me into.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it all. Maybe I should just enjoy having him back?

Edited to add: He just left me a voice mail while I was out to lunch where he actually sang "I just called to say I love you." Am I on some kind of hidden camera show? LOL

Thursday Thirteen - 13 season passes on my DVR

I thought I'd try a different tactic this week instead of whining (since it's really been a good week so far) so this week here are 13 things that I like to watch on TV and have saved season passes to record every episode:

1. LOST - Huge fan - didn't get into it until I watched season 1 on DVD but then I quickly caught up and now I usually don't wait for the DVR to record it. I watch it live commercials and all. I also read blogs about LOST and wiki's and am fascinated by all the hidden things in the show. It's on tonight - I can't wait!
   
   
2. Biggest Loser - yes I dream of humiliating myself as these people have by standing on a giant scale in a tiny sports bra that shows off my fabulous love handles. I usually eat things like ice cream and cookies while watching this show - how ironic is that?
   
   
3. Grey's Anatomy - watching other people's relationship angst makes me feel better about my own I guess? I just really love the characters on this show for the most part.
   
   
4. House - Love, love, love the crotchety doctor! Would hate to work for him, but love watching the abuse he heaps on his minions.
   
   
5. Ugly Betty - ah the ugly duckling working her way through corporate America with her brain instead of a wonder bra - love this show.
   
   
6. Heroes - creative, unique, engaging, Save the Cheerleader, Save the World, how could I resist?
   
   
7. Jericho - hesitant to get into this show at first but quickly became hooked. I was not one of those sending peanuts to the studio to get it renewed but I'm glad they did.
   
   
8. October Road - there was nothing else on when I started watching this but I got hooked. I relate most to the girl Janet, I lived her life 10 years ago.
   
   
9. Kyle XY - a warm, fuzzy, sci-fi story on ABC Family. A lot of teenage angst, not the best acting (but not the worst) and lots of pretty people to look at. Something about the main character (played by Matt Dallas) really caught my attention.
   
   
10. ER - how many seasons is this now? I can't remember but I have been a fan since the beginning. I still like this show and frequently watch it on Saturday morning while still snuggled up under my covers in bed.
    
    
11. Big Brother - I consider this a guilty pleasure for summertime viewing. Not sure what I think about this new February BB9 - it might interfere with all my other reality and game show TV watching (thanks to the writers strike).
    
    
12. Deal or No Deal - There is no skill involved in this game (other than knowing when to stop being greedy and take the deal) but I still love watching. And I am happy when overly greedy folks give up a $175,000 offer and leave with the $50 in their case! LOL I know I'm mean. I also love watching people fawn all over Howie Mandel and touch him and kiss him knowing he's dying inside with each touch (germaphobe, doesn't even like to shake hands).
    
    
13. Don't Forget the Lyrics - I love Wayne Brady, I love this show! I want to be on this show! LOL

Honorable mentions:

• American Idol - once they get past the first Hollywood rounds and they are singing full actual songs.
• Survivor - just getting to be the same old, same old - but new season could be interesting with some favorites coming back - and having Johnny "Fairplay" back on the show means lots of devious behavior.
• Amazing Race - wouldn't mind doing this but would miss most of the countries you are in due to the fact that you are racing through them. Couldn't do with hubby we'd be divorced by the end of the 2nd day but with best friend "J" it might be fun.
  

It's Hump Day Friends...

And that means that at 4:30pm EST it is now closer to Friday than Monday! What a good thing that is!

Today was a good day - my friend "T" from previous job came in today for an interview. I have it on good authority (the president told me) that she will be receiving an offer next week! Yay! I will have another friend here, someone who understands me and knows where I'm coming from. The more friends I can accumulate the better as far as I'm concerned.

It's official that I will be on the account team for the super big giant fortune 500 company that we have coming in house. Tomorrow I will get to meet some of the others on the account team from our San Francisco office as they are in for a strategy meeting. I will not be changing my reporting structure (same boss) but being put on the brand new account is a privilege and there are people who have been here longer wishing they had gotten this opportunity. I will be working very closely with my friend and former boss "C" and the VP of Client Services - so that is always good for the career as long as I impress him and I'm confident I can.

In other news I have learned that RBT (rat bastard trainer) has been chastised by previously mentioned VP for his tattletale incident 2 weeks ago! I am vindicated my friends. And further that one of his accounts that he was lead on contacted the VP and asked to have him removed from their account. This is something he told me as a matter of fact - I would personally be mortified to tell anyone if a client had called and complained about me.

So far this has been a good week for me. Will have another friend and ally at work, RBT in trouble with VP, assigned to a very important account, one that makes others jealous (including RBT I've heard). And it's only Wednesday! The only thing that might make this week any better would be having the winning ticket for the $120,000,000 Mega Millions jackpot on Friday night - but so far I haven't even bought a ticket. Might spend my $5 on something more satisfying - like a pint of Ben & Jerry's.

A dollar and a dream...

I live in NY - we participate in Mega Millions a multi state lottery. Tonight the drawing is $102,000,000.00 the cash option is $67,000,000.00 what I couldn't do with that!

I may have to stop on my way home with my dream and my dollar (or maybe $5) and think of all the lovely things I'd do if I won! First thing would be to quit my job and travel the world! Then who knows.

It's nice to dream sometimes.

Just Another Manic Monday...

I wish it were Sunday... :(

So back at work today - but some good news! We have a new account coming in - a giant account - an all consuming account - a very important account - and I will be part of the account team! Yippee! This account is being led by my former boss (from prior job) and current friend who knows and understands my struggles here. She will be great to work with- helpful and a good communicator. She started here just 6 weeks ahead of me and is a big part of the reason I came here. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it if I end up on her team when this all fleshes out. (she doesn't have a team yet but will soon - she was hired in as a senior manager and has been training on the systems and getting ready to lead a team.)

My current manager is a nice guy, but I doubt he's had any training in how to manage/mentor/motivate. He constantly just does things himself cause it's easier than showing me how to do it. So how am I ever going to learn? Just today he did some things that are on my white board as to-do's that he had asked me last week to wait on. Once things were set for them to run instead of giving me the go ahead he just did them - and DIDN'T TELL ME! ARGH

So yep I'm excited at the prospect of working with my old boss again! She was fantastic at managing/motivating/mentoring!

Truly, madly, deeply...

February - that month that conjures up visions of hearts and roses, cupids and true love. A friend blogged about spending her day watching love stories and crying all afternoon. I watched this short clip of the movie "The Notebook" and started tearing up myself for the few minutes I watched it.



I wonder if anyone really has this kind of love, the kind that the movies make us aspire to, the ones that make us feel like we may never have enough. Too bad the movies don't show us what it's like 10 years later with 2 kids and 2 careers and bills and the stresses of day to day life.

I love my husband. But some days I am not in love with him. We have been together for 10 years, in that time we have fallen in love twice I think. The first time was deep and intense and passionate. The second time was just over 3 years ago we just went through this very intense period of re-discovery. We spent more time together, we talked more and were more affectionate than we had been for awhile. We are due for a falling in love all over again right now. I sometimes wonder if that is normal. It works for me if things keep cycling like that, but even at our most intense times, it's never been like a movie love story. I told my single friend that I don't know anyone who has that kind of love, I'm not sure it really exists.

Today's Headlines

From CNN.com:
Exxon shatters profit records
Oil giant makes corporate history by booking $11.7 billion in quarterly profit; earns $1,300 a second in 2007.

So while I am paying $3.31 a gallon and spending over $50 to fill up my car thinking the cost of oil is up and there is nothing that can be done about it. Oil "giant" Exxon is recording record breaking profits? Is anyone else as pissed off about this as I am?

From the article:
"Exxon's record results, which coincide with smaller rival Chevron's profit jump, are likely to draw fire from consumer rights groups, who contend the oil industry is deliberately restricting supply and profiting on the back of U.S. motorists. They have previously called for a windfall profit tax on oil firms and have proposed breaking up the big oil companies created during the 1990s merger wave."

I am all for the government stepping in here and really putting a stop to this nonsense. I wish I could boycott and stop driving - but I live in the middle of BFE and have to drive 50 miles one way to work. I depend on that gas and it pisses me off as the prices creep higher to read that the oil companies are not just passing along a price increase but making even larger profits off my misfortune.