Friday, November 28, 2008

Black Friday Festivities

So I did venture out for a tiny bit of shopping today. I went to Price Chopper looking for the $.29 fresh turkeys I'd heard about BUT nope they didn't have any. Then we hit Target - I got a nice fleece vest but that's it. And finally a stop at Lowes for some door trim and some stain.

Tonight we are heading out to spend the evening with a good friend - there will be margaritas and beer consumed - likely in LARGE quantities! :)

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Pre-Thanksgiving Blow-up

I had a rough day today - busy, busy, busy, stress, stress stress. We got dismissed early today at 3:30 and I had another 2 hours of work to do but had to leave to not make my car pooler's wait when they were ready to go. So I left - came home and logged in to keep working and my husband started picking the minute I came in the door.

He made me leave in the middle of a report to go get something to eat which I did to keep the peace. On the drive he criticized me and my family saying we had no self control and this is why we are all overweight. I told him to stop picking on me because I had a bad day. He sort of did for a few.

Then we get home and he wants to know why I'm working again. I explain that this report was really due Monday and we were having issues and I wanted to get it done so I could send it tonight and feel like it's off my shoulders for now. He brings the dog in my office and they play on the floor and keep knocking my chair and making me screw up what I was doing (selecting rows in an excel sheet). I asked him to stop.

Then he turns on every freaking light in the house and gets nasty when I go behind him turning lights off. He goes into the bedroom and is watching a movie, when I come in he starts in on the housekeeper and how she needs to do something different. I told him that I told her to do it that way. He makes a snide comment and when I mimic it back to him he gets nasty and tells me that if I do that again "WE WILL GET DIVORCED!" I just walked out of the room.

BUT what I wanted to say is FINE - go ahead! Divorce me - I DON'T NEED YOU! You should be thankful that I love you and want you here because I don't NEED you. He needs me - no two ways about it, I do freaking everything in this house and now I make all the money too. He is home all day every day and is barely lifting a finger - he will empty the dishwasher and reload it or the occasional load of laundry. I am still paying my housekeeper to come each week because I know he will not do what she does for me. My job provides his health insurance which pays for his incredibly expensive Tysabri infusions. My job pays for the house, the cars, all the expenses.

I don't want to rub in how much he needs me because I am sure his crabby nitpicking mood has to do with his unemployed status and he is starting to get depressed. I just don't understand why when you get down you bite the hand that feeds you.

I'm trying to understand - I'm trying not to take the bait - That being said if he keeps this shit up I will take my thanksgiving down to my mom's and leave him alone here with his leftover pizza and himself for company tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Let's make some lemonade...

When life hands you lemons what do you do? Well Jen at The Redneck Romance Writer has awarded me with this award for making lemonade with those lemons. Although many days I'd rather use them as the chaser to a nice shot of Patron!

Of course my dear friend VBC is deserving of this award and that is why Jen awarded her at the same time I was awarded. So I am going to pass this award on to four other bloggers I see making lemonade out of some very sour lemons that life has handed them as well.

Lisa from Brass & Ivory for sharing her knowledge and educating those suffering with MS about their disease and about resources available to them.

Linda from BrainCheese for fighting hard against unfair billing practices and to bring down the wall that the system puts between the provider and the patient. And for making me laugh regularly.

BlindBeard - a woman who keeps pushing back and telling this disease that it will not beat her! And managing to make me laugh with nearly every story she writes.

Lannette from Chain Reaction - who has had some terrible obstacles this year and laughed in their faces as she went to Jamaica to get married!

Things for which I am truly thankful...

My husband - flaws and all I can't imagine my life without you here. Although sometimes you make me cry it is much more often that you make me laugh. I love the ease of being with you, of knowing what to expect most of the time, the playfulness, the love that we share.

My family - you all do so much to help, to support, to show love. My daddy especially who has gone above and beyond in keeping my house in working order. For my mom - who had a big scare this summer and who I can't fathom life without.

My pup - who loves me maybe more unconditionally than anyone else and no matter what. The one who comes and lays his head on my lap after I yell at him and takes the burden off me. Sometimes I think he's the only one who understands how sad I get at times, no one else notices but Xavier knows. He can say so much with those big brown eyes of his.

My friends - (IRL and online) you know who you are! You listen to me whine, you cry with me, you rejoice with me, you drink with me, you shop with me, you eat chocolate with me, you complete me! :)

The cats - Mike who will never die (21 and counting) like Timex he takes a licking and keeps on ticking! Another close call this year but I think he's got 6 or so lives left of his 9. Felix who is the clown and so entertaining to watch, also my sensitive sweet snuggler. And Anni - the one I am afraid might indeed be dying - she can't seem to get enough of me lately always on my lap or by my side and becoming old cat frail and thin at only 13. :(

My job - although I want to go home everyday at 5pm, you are run by compasionate kind people who truly do care about my wellbeing and success and thus pay me enough to weather this storm without losing my house, or having to give up too many comforts. You offer me top notch health insurance that allows my husband to have very expensive treatments that have halted the progression of his disease. And you are finally beginning to challenge me, to excite me, to make me enjoy what keeps me busy.

My house - which is warm and inviting with my super comfy bed and housing most of the things I love most in this world. Much warmer and more comfortable this year with the new doors blocking the draft, the new furnace pumping out warm and humid air, the new insulation keeping all that warm heat in the house. And the new AC unit just waiting for that first hot day of summer to keep me cool and comfortable in my home.

Although this has been a bit of a rough year for me - a lot of challenges, Pete giving up his job in September and not having another one lined up as he was told. The fear of losing it all, the relief of knowing that I don't have to. Fear that eventually being home is going to drive my husband into a depression and what that might mean, the joy that it hasn't happened so far. The uncertainly that 2009 brings with new presidents, a full blown recession, and an unemployed husband. Despite all this I have been truly blessed with love, life, family, friends and I am thankful.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Damn him for making me feel guilty...

Last night my husband found a website called cheapo air, and he started looking at airfare. To go to Dayton (his mom's) FOR CHRISTMAS! We spent last Christmas with his family - this year is my turn. We tend to alternate years for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. In 2007 we spent Christmas in Dayton, in 2006 we spent Thanksgiving there. I asked him if he wanted to go to Dayton next week for Thanksgiving WEEKS ago and he said no.

So he asks me last night if we can go to Dayton for Christmas. I didn't say no - but he knew I was upset and wanted to stay here. He says - "we spend every holiday with your family" and I never see mine. This is somewhat true but obviously if you read the first paragraph not entirely true. Sure we are always here and spend plenty of time with my family BUT we spent last Christmas with his and this year is MY TURN!

But still I feel guilty and start to cry because he hurt my feelings making me feel like I keep him from his family somehow. So I have to throw in my own hurtful words and I say "We see your family as often now as we did when they lived 45 minutes away from us, they couldn't be bothered to visit us then and nothing has changed, why should I have to give up Christmas with my family when they could just as easily come to us but won't?" I know this struck a nerve - we have lived in NY for almost 4 years and his family has NEVER been out to visit. In those 4 years we have been back there 5 times for visits. And it is not surprising - when we lived in Cincinnati - a mere 40 miles from his sister's place in Dayton they came to visit us at our house once in the 6 years we lived there ONCE! We always had to go to them and we did it 1-2 times a year. AND we found out that they were going to the Casino Boats in Indiana and driving right by our house on the highway (within 1 mile) and wouldn't stop or even call and see if we wanted to go with them. So no I don't feel a bit guilty about not wanting to drive the 11 hours or spend all day in airports and planes to go visit them for Christmas.

I do feel bad that my husband misses his family and they basically don't seem to care. But they are the ones really hurting him, not me.

So I woke up this morning to an email from hubby - he said he didn't mean to upset me, that we don't have to go to Dayton, just that even when we don't spend the actual holiday with my family we still see them (last year we did it the weekend after Christmas) and he does have a point. He was sweet, and told me he's just upset that none of them can be bothered to come visit him.

So I offered up New Years - said we should drive (11 hours driving versus 8 hours in airports) and take the dog - would be a lot cheaper $200 gas instead of $500 plane tickets.

I don't think he's up and reading email yet. I think I'm also going to send his mom an invite to come here and offer to buy her ticket. Hubby is home all day now and he and she could go places and spend time together if she stayed longer than a few days.

Yep I think that is what I will do.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'll go there with you...

Go There With You by Steven Curtis Chapman

I know you've heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I'll be with you wherever you must go

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love the way Love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you

I see it in your tears - you wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder and the sky is growing dark
Though it's something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together if we hold each other's hand
I said for better or worse I'd be with you
So no matter where you're going I will go there too

I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you

I known sometimes I let you down
But I won't let you go - we'll always be together

In a Funk...

Next week is Thanksgiving - the beginning of the crazy holiday season. My normal schedule includes putting up the tree the Saturday after Thanksgiving and decorating the house, putting lights on the eaves, net lights on the bushes, hanging lights in the windows. Then parties, cookie baking, family get togethers, holiday shopping trips, Christmas Eve mass and then a caroling service at my parents church. I look forward to Christmas. I love Christmas. It makes me feel like a kid again. Usually...

This year? I don't want to do any of it. I don't know why but I have no desire to hang lights outside. I am not looking forward to putting up the tree, in fact I'm dreading it. I haven't done any shopping yet and am dreading that too. For some reason this year I wish I could just fast forward to January and have all this mess be over.

But... in the interest of not scaring my entire family with my holiday bah-humbug-funk. I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner next Thursday. I will put up and decorate my tree (grudgingly) but I refuse to put up the outside lights. It's a pain in the neck and then kept blowing up in the gutters anyway.

Hoping the holiday spirit catches me or this is going to be a very long month.

Some good things? My company has made all three holidays in Nov/Dec/Jan into 4 day weekends. I get Nov 27&28, Dec 25&26 and Jan 1&2 as holidays. I may add a vacation day before two of them and make it a 5 day weekend. My sister and I may brave Black Friday at the Outlet Stores in Lake George, which seems crazy but a day with her will perk me up I'm sure. And my company holiday party is just over 2 weeks away and I have this fabulous dress to wear.

(I'm totally buying some Spanx to go under it that cost more than the damn dress though).

I'll keep you updated but so far I'm dreading this holiday season. DREADING.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Why Women Play Games...

Guys if you have ever wondered why women play games here is your answer - because IT WORKS! I have found that when things get a little strained, a little distant, the fastest way to get my husband crawling back to me is to act a little aloof. If he's be pushing me away, if he's been distant, if I'm feeling hurt and lonely... All I need to do is spend a day at home but doing all my own things, leaving him alone to watch football on the couch, and then tell him I'm taking off to go shopping and have dinner with my sister. Later that night - I get compliments "you look sexy in that shirt" - I get hugged - a back rub - a sweet I love you before bed.

Why do women play hard to get? Because you men seem to enjoy the chase and it works! If a man loves you there is no faster way to bring him around than to ignore him for a bit.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Be Careful What You Wish For!

I have been wanting to get some more high profile clients at work - a chance to become that super star my boss thinks I can be. I have also been enjoying my relatively low profile existence, coming in at 8:30 and leaving at 5pm every day. Not having to log on and work from home every night. Not dealing with the pressure that high profile clients bring.

Today I was assigned a very high profile client. The next 2 months are going to be insanely crazy as this eats up a great deal of my time and I will be expected to continue the same level of service to my lower profile clients.

It's game on. Time to show what I am made of. Hoping that I pass this test with colors flying high. Super star coming through.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

To all the Veterans I've Loved...

My great grandfather - a man I always knew as very old, a man who loved me to death and called me his little Patreesh, he made me fried hot dog sandwiches with spicy hot mustard, and let me run crazy and play in his garden, a man who died when I was 8 on a day I will never forget. He served in WWI and raised 2 wonderful sons - one being my grandfather...

My grandfather - who was always my biggest supporter - who encouraged me, supported me, bailed me out a time or two. Who was ready to step in on my wedding day and walk me down the aisle when my dad was torn between being with me and being with his own dying father. A man who encouraged me to go to college, to give it my all. He cheered at my promotions, my triumphs, he was so proud when I started back to school to get my MBA. He died in 2003 on a cold day in January, I got the call that he was going and to come quick. I got on the road as soon as I could and drove like a mad woman from Cincinnati, OH to Kingston, NY. I got to the hospital at 2:30am and walked in his room. My mom was asleep in the chair next to him. I squeezed his hand and told him I was there and that I loved him. He never woke up and took his last breath moments later. I felt he held on for me to get there maybe so my mom would not be alone when he passed. Another day I will never forget. My grandfather was part of The Greatest Generation - the generation who built the country I call home. My grandfather served in WWII on the ground in Europe. He never talked about it to anyone.

My father - so many good things to say about my dad and I've said them before here. My dad who will do anything for me, a man who is gruff and tough on the outside but will say "I love you kid" everytime we talk on the phone. My dad was drafted into the Army at 18 and served during Vietnam, he did one tour of duty and was thankfully stationed in Germany at a radio tower where he never saw the horrors that so many who served in Vietnam were faced with. My dad's accident in 1999 is a big part of the reason I live in upstate NY today. I realized how precious life is, how easily his could have been gone and that I wanted to spend as much time as I could near my family.

My uncle - an extremely successful businessman who always inspired me to try harder, and push to be the person I wanted to be. He enlisted in the marines when he graduated from college and served and was wounded in Vietnam. A man who looks and acts very much like his father - my grandfather who I loved so dearly.

My father-in-law - who passed away before I was really his daughter-in-law, he served during the Korean War era. I didn't know this man as well as I would have liked but the things I have learned about him after his death, and the son he raised who is my partner,let me know that he was a good man, an honorable man, and someone to be admired.

My husband - in the airforce from 1984 to 1994 - was in combat during Desert Storm, received a bronze star for valor. The man I pin my future hopes and dreams on, the love of my life. Today is our anniversary - what is more fitting than marrying a veteran on veterans day?

For all of the veterans in my life - and all the veterans out there - thank you for your service, your sacrifices, the protection you provide, what you are willing to lose to protect the freedoms we treasure, I salute you.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Making Lemonade

So life has handed me some lemons - I considered breaking out the new bottle of Patron and drinking myself silly but ever since this day I can no longer do shots of tequila even really good tequila!

Yesterday I took my car to Wal-mart, because my rear passenger side tire had a slow leak (been putting air in ever 2-3 weeks) and I wanted my tires rotated too. Should have cost approx $50 for all of this. Instead I spent an hour at Wal-mart shopping and got paged thinking my car was done and instead they break the news to me:
  1. The tire with the leak had a nail in it. It went in at an angle and the tire cannot be repaired. They put the spare on (a skinny tire not meant to drive over 50 with).
  2. My front tires are bald on the inside (both of them) and this means my car is probably not aligned properly.
  3. I need to buy 4 new tires!
This is totally not a planned expense. My car is not even a year old yet - it does have 25,000 miles on it but still tires should last longer than that. The car was brand new last December and has had no accidents, no curb incidents, no major potholes, so why is it out of alignment? WHY?

So I'm kicking myself because if I had rotated tires on a normal schedule I'd have caught this before the tires were ruined.

So how am I making lemonade out of this mess of lemons?

Well I took a vacation day. Hubby and I are going to Albany - will have the work done at the Sears Auto Center at Colonie Center and while it's being done we will go watch a movie, have some lunch, spend the day together because tomorrow is our 8th anniversary and we are still together and happy that way more days than not. :)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

My 5 Year Old Nephew and the Mock Election.

Tuesday my 5 year old nephew came home from school and told his mommy that he voted at school today. I was really surprised that kindergartners were voting in the mock election - far too young to understand what it's all about but I guess start them early.

His mommy asked him who he voted for and he said "John McCain". She asked him "why did you vote for him?" and his answer was hilarious!!!! "because if Barack Obama wins he is going to take away all our electricity and I won't have any lights. I don't like the dark." My sister stifled back her giggles as she asked him where he heard that - on the bus of course - some older kid told him this little untruth. His mommy assured him that the lights weren't going to go out if Barack Obama wins the election and he seemed okay with that answer.

I really wish I could have been around when he told his daddy this story. His daddy is about as liberal left as you can get (while my parents are definitely religious right) and I bet it killed him that in his very first chance to vote his son chose a Republican! LOL

Well Barack Obama won and the lights are still on! ;-)

Open Mouth. Insert Foot.

Talk about putting my foot in my mouth. Said something about a co-worker's husband not liking something and as soon as I said it I realized I've seen her in the bathroom crying a lot lately and look down to see NO RING on her finger just as she says "my husband and I aren't together anymore, we're getting divorced". I of course apologized for my gaffe and she says she's okay with it now and no worries. But I still feel like shit - I should have put 2 and 2 together to figure this one out.

Very sad - they were only married for 1 year. BUT I am also not surprised. He has been married before and has 2 kids, one a 12 year old girl that lived with them, the other a younger boy with a different mother that they had every other weekend. He got a vasectomy before he met her because he thought two was enough and didn't want anyone trying to trap him again (1st daughter was a planned pregnancy on the mother's part to try and get him to marry her, he did but it didn't last and the mother was so unstable he ended up with custody when he really didn't want it). Anyhow - my co-worker/friend was gung ho to have kids and he told her he would get the vasectomy reversed and they could try to have a baby. But he never made the appointment. He kept putting it off, he made excuses, he said it was too early (and he had a point there, she's only 27 so not exactly URGENT to do it now). And they started fighting about it, and other things.

Not sure what brought it all to a decision point. Maybe someday she'll tell me. I find it sad that a marriage can last less than a year. I find it sad that I was so out of touch that I stuck my foot in my big mouth.

My husband and I are about to celebrate our 8th anniversary - next Tuesday. We've had our ups and downs and there was a point about a year and a half ago that we were at the breaking point. He did what he needed to do to make it right (cause he fucked it up) at that time and so we are still making it. But marriage is not easy. It is not a bed of freaking roses every day. It is not all romance and love. Some days it is "I am here because I vowed to be here." Some days it is "I love you but I don't like you very much right now." But thankfully most days it is also a safe place to come home to, a sense of security, a sense of belonging to something bigger than oneself.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day!

It has been 20 years now that I am old enough to vote. I remember my first election in 1988 - George H. W. Bush versus Michael Dukakis. I was sooooo excited to be old enough to vote. I was away at college so had to do it by Absentee ballot and I carefully considered my choices, cast my vote and sent that big envelope back to the state of NY for processing.

Back then my college had a mock election every 4 years that went along with the presidential election years. They called it CedarWHAT? and it was hilarious at least to my 18 year old mind. We had rally's campaign signs, speeches, all culimnating with a huge election night party and annoucning of the winners. When I arrived for my freshman year we noticed how odd it seemed that every flower bed was filled with ornamental cabbage and how it kind of smelled bad. Later I found out one of the parties was running on the "kill the cabbage" platform and it started to make sense. And I never saw cabbages again after election night (thank goodness, they really did smell).

Also that year I went on a bus trip to a rally where Dan Quayle spoke in Chilicothe, OH - it was so exciting.

The funny thing is - 20 years later I still feel excited - a thrill when I go into that booth and start pulling levers. I guess I still believe that my vote means something. That voting is my right, my responsibility, my duty and it is a way to be heard.

I'll be casting my vote later this evening. Polls are open until 9pm in NY and I'll probably get there around 7.

I don't look much like that 18 year old girl anymore - but I'm still just as excited as she was to have the ability to VOTE!If you are registered - please get out there today and let your voice be heard!

Monday, November 3, 2008

It's Manic Monday!

This is a good week so far - very busy which is great - no time to get bored. Hubby has a job interview tomorrow with the Dept of Labor for NYS which would be awesome - State Job = Lots of paid time off and great benefits!

This morning on my way in we were listening to the Free Beer & Hot Wings Show - a syndicated radio show that is sometimes really stupid and sometimes quite funny. Well today they were giving people 30 seconds to pitch their candidate. Some people are super stupid is all I can say and it seems to be spread well across party lines. Here is what I heard today:
  • "McCain is a Nazi and he hates Jewish people." Thankfully they cut this guy off soon after he finished this sentence saying there was no way they could continue. But they aired it anyway - assuming like most shows they are on a delay and could have just killed his bit altogether.
  • "Obama has Muslim Values and since all Muslim's hate Americans and want us to die..." this is where they cut this woman off.
  • "McCain should get the honor of being president, not because he will make the best one but because he sacrificed for our country."
  • "Obama wants to take away our guns, raise our taxes, and kill babies." as soon as she said kill babies she got cut off.
  • Someone named "Chuck Baldwin" is running?
  • "Vote for McCain because he is old and he's going to die soon and leave a hot MILF running the country and we need some eye candy in the White House." this guy wins for funniest he also commented on Palin's daughter and her great balcony! ;-)
Then there was more of the stuff I've heard a thousand times. I'll be glad when this election is over. One more day!