I spent most of my life being the insecure girl who hid this by being the class clown, the funny girl, the "leader" even. Because I compensate for my insecurity by acting overly confident and secure most people never guess about the real me inside. Only my close friends know the truth, and even with them I project that secure person most of the time because there is nothing more annoying than a friend who needs constant reassurance that she is worthy of your time.
So I don't act insecure 99% of the time even though I probably feel it about 50% of the time. I'm good at faking it.
Today I started having a mini-meltdown inside (good at hiding remember). My husband sent me an email to call him when I got a chance. So I did, and his phone went right to voice mail. I kept trying for an hour and a half. It. Went. Straight. To. Voicemail. I started to freak inside. Who was he talking to? Why was he on the phone for such a long period of time. Was he talking to a woman? Was he flirting with her?
My rational mind said - it's work related - he's with a user or a vendor and it's no big deal. I kept working between dialing his number every 5 minutes to have it go straight to voice mail. I hung up. Didn't leave even one frantic message. Thankfully my rational mind was right (it usually is), he was on the line with a vendor regarding their virus software and it actually took that long to fix his problem. He called me back as soon as he hung up.
I feel like such a moron for letting something like this get to me for even a minute much less an hour and a half. I wish I could feel secure 99% of the time instead of just faking it half the time. At 38 I don't hold out a lot of hope for major changes in this area though.
*sigh*
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6 comments:
Oh, babe. I'm sorry. I know where you're coming from, except I lack the whole fake-it-till-you-make-it gene, so anyone that shows a bit of interest is invited to my little freak shows.
I look at it this way, though. If some other woman wants my mess of a husband, more power to her. Sure, I love him, and I married him so that we would be together as long as we're both on the earth. However, if he wants to make an ass out of me with some other woman, he can have at it.
That was my answer to the crippling jealousy and insecurity, to give up and resign myself. How's the old Bill Joel tune go?
"Whatever you choose/I won't hold back anything
And I'll walk a way a fool or a king"
xoxo
The thing is I never really was the jealous type with him, until about a year ago when he became the biggest fucktard ever and shattered my confidence him him (and in myself) for a time. It's mostly back and I know he's not carrying on illicit affairs at work and even if he was he'd rather poke out his eyes than have a 1.5 hour conversation with anyone on the phone. Unless that call is with service techs for virus software vendors and it's his job to make that phone call.
I knew I was being ridiculous and I let my mind go there anyway. And I'm sure there are not many women who would take on my own personal Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde either and if they did they'd send him back pronto! LOL
For years, every time my husband called me at work I had a mini panic attack, convinced either the car broke down or he had an accident. For some reason only those two options presented themselves. (Probably because it really did happen a few times.) I find that the intensity of my raging anxiety is usually inversely proportionate to what is really going on; I have a very active imagination and panic over an imagined scenario much more intensely than I ever panic over a real crisis. I don't know why that is. But you are not alone!
Ahh, yes, I think I know your problem: you are a female.
Hang in there.
Distractions help ...
Oh, I'm totally the same way. Just like you said, I act overly confident 99% of the time, but really I'm feeling utterly insecure 50% of the time. But SSSSHHHH! Don't tell anyone! It's my little secret!
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