Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Don't you pick on my sister! (or my husband) That's MY job!

I complain about my husband here sometimes. It's the only place I really do complain about him.

Sometimes he is lazy. But I never talk about how lazy I can be sometimes either. Of the two of us I couldn't say one is more lazy than the other.

Yes he didn't help with the housework AT ALL and that always annoyed me. So I hired a maid. He still thinks that isn't necessary - but two weeks ago when I went out of town for the weekend and I reminded him she was coming on Saturday and he rolled his eyes? I told him straight up that if he was willing to do ALL the things she does each week himself and not expect me to do any of it or help in any way then he could go ahead and fire her. Of course he is not willing to do any of it. I do wish he seemed to notice how much less stressed I am on the weekends when I don't have to include vacuuming, dusting, cleaning bathrooms, mopping, etc. to my list of things to do.

He frustrates me sometimes with wanting to do things on his own timing. Like thinking the hottest day of the year would be a good day to trim the hedges and wanting me to help him. (I put my foot down with that one - it was NOT urgent and those hedges are still not trimmed.) Or after saying let's get ready and go to the fair today - instead going outside to clean out and move things around in the shed. Uh - I'm ready to go and you haven't showered yet? I just shook my head.

I never will understand why he won't let my dad (who is retired, has the time, and is very handy) fix the stupid mower. But it's okay to let my dad put insulation in the attic and install ceiling fans throughout the house. I think hubby feels like fixing the mower is something he should be able to do himself. But at this point I think it requires professional intervention. I think he and my dad bent something in trying to get that mower deck back on after replacing the belt. Anyway - the mower needs to be fixed - OR we need to get rid of it. I don't want it laying around cluttering up things when it is not functional. But his dad bought him that mower - 10 years ago - and his dad is dead. Do we have to keep the mower as some sort of memorial? I sure hope not.

I guess like my little sister when I was a kid - I want to be the only one allowed to say mean things to/about him. I defend him to anyone else. Sometimes he can be downright antisocial and I make up excuses. Sunday I went to the campground where the rest of my family was staying for the weekend to spend the day. I stayed from noon until around 6pm. I told them my hubby wasn't feeling well (it's not a lie, he never really feels great these days) but really he just didn't want to go. Instead of staying for dinner I went home to make dinner for him because I know he wouldn't have eaten much of anything if I didn't. I called him and talked for a few minutes before I left. I'm sure my family saw my departure as hasty but I it was my choice and I wasn't coerced or anything. He told me to stay and enjoy my time. The truth I wanted to spend some time with him too.

So friends - don't think I don't appreciate the support if I turn and defend my husband five minutes after bitching about him. I guess despite all his many flaws I do still love him more than life and figure I'm the only one that is allowed to call his ass lazy! :)


Anonymous said...

Marriages are like casseroles. The only people that know all of the ingredients are the people who make it.

We only see what you show us, and since you're more likely to vent frustration than post about every sweet or lovable thing about him, and he doesn't tell us anything, we don't get enough info to judge.

You know how frustrated and pissed off I get with WH. There are some people in this world that are convinced that he has very little worth as a person. That's not fair at all, and they rob me of the ability to confide in them comfortably.

I know that there are two sides to every story, and that you are too smart of a woman to have married someone that didn't bring some value to the table. :)


Tricia, what a sweet tribute to the "lazy" hubby. I don't pretend to understand all there is to know about men, but it sounds like your guy is pretty typical.

Now I've love to hear more from you about what it's like to be the spouse of an MSer. Is it like a third wheel? Do you ever forget about it for a moment? Do you ever feel that if you hear the term MS even one more time you will scream? Does it make it easier or harder to understand the laziness?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Sounds like you made some great choices in visiting with relatives, enjoying yourself, and still being able to go home and enjoy the hubby too.


This is a great post! Life is just like you describe big time sometimes, but don't anyone DARE change it for me!

Linda D. in Seattle

Meghan said...

I'm sorry Tricia, it seems my too hastily written reply to the other entry about him being lazy hit a nerve. It was meant humorously rather than a serious criticism-you know I have often responded to things over the years with statements to the effect of "do I need to call and give Pete a piece of my mind??" (such as when he used to balk at the maid when it was killing you not to have one).:-) And I understand that the MS worsening lately adds a significant challenge to the mix. I just know that I've always been amazed at how much of your lives you seem to be the only one handling. Granted there must be things he does, but ever since I've known you, it seems you're always the one arranging things from travel to doctors to home and car repair to your finances, buying and negotiating things, researching things, doing the vast majority of the household chores and cooking, etc. for both of you and so on. I just worry that you do too much for others rather than yourself, and also believe that, especially with a stubborn, macho man, it's important to refuse to step into the role of mom whenever possible or they will come to secretly resent and not appreciate it while simultaneously seeming to expect it. In any case, I didn't mean that comment quite the way it seemed to come across and I surely didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I know you are doing the best you can, and I'm proud of you for giving him the sharp side of your tongue when he dared to roll his eyes about the maid this time! :-) He may not like hearing "no", but on a deeper level it will help him feel less guilty for everything he already has to depend on you for and keep him thinking of you as more interesting! :-)

Tricia said...

No worries Meghan, my feelings were not hurt by your reply. And I often feel that too - geez would you do something? But I did react to your words with the thought of "how dare anyone say that" and then I had to laugh. This is why I compared it to my sister and how I could tease her unmercifully as kids but would defend her to anyone else.

So yes my instant reaction was to say "whoa he's not lazy" I had to back up and wonder why that even bothered me for a second because sometimes he absolutely is lazy.

As for me taking care of the finances, anything business related like negotiating car deals and home prices, well he is not a business person. He could muddle through the finances if he had to, pay the bills, etc but he'd sit down with a stack once a week and write checks. I automated most of it online so it isn't a weekly chore.

He does take care of things with the cars - gets them inspected and renews the registrations. He used to take care of oil changes but now that I work in the city and we have two brand new cars (that I'd rather he not mangle up trying to remove oil filters) I take them to Valvoline at lunch and he's okay with that.

If it weren't for him the hedges would never get trimmed (I hate hedges) but I do have to help him as he will get started and then be too tired to finish.

It is true that our workload is unbalanced - moreso now than it used to be as he gets more easily confused. But 2 weeks ago when Sears didn't show up he swept in made a few calls and had the guy who screwed up groveling at my feet. :)

In the past he absolutely could have done more and I should have pushed back when I could. But now? He truly can't do much more than he does and sometimes tries to do too much. Thankfully I do have my dad who has been an amazing help and I'm not sure how I'd have survived the winter especially without him. This winter even though we have the snowblower (got rid of the ATV/plow) I am hiring a service to plow the driveway and saving the snowblower for making paths around the house and cleaning up. I won't be out there snowblowing before work in the morning. I put my foot down. LOL