Sunday, September 20, 2009

Kinda down these days...

My husband has been getting more and more depressed. He refuses to go to counseling because of our financial situation. Weekly visits at $25 a pop would really cut into his ever increasing cigarette budget (grrrrr) oh and his fast food budget too. He says once his VA medical comes through he will see about possibly seeing someone through the VA. We'll see.

His depression causes him to be extremely moody. He and I can go days without saying more than a few words to each other sometimes. He gets nasty at the drop of a hat. He spends hours each day on the phone with his annoying ADD best friend from Oklahoma. Sex? What's that? He's dragging me down, the fact that I'm not working and stuck here with him 24/7 for the most part is not helping. Everything he does lately makes me irritable and I want to lash out. I bite my tongue and bite it and bite it some more, soon I won't have a tongue.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He wants to go to Outback Steakhouse, so despite the fact that we have no income and it's not a smart thing to do we will go. And also a really not smart thing but something I had to do for my sanity - I bought him a ticket to go to Oklahoma for 8 days to hang with his BFF and give me some freedom and peace.

BUT - the time he is gone my mom's older sister is here visiting. A week before she comes my mom is having her knee replaced, she will not be up for entertaining guests but her sister insisted on coming anyway. I had offered to let her stay with us but she declined. Then she found out Pete was going to be gone and changed her mind. So the entire 8 days that he will gone I will have a house guest. And not just any house guest but my mom's somewhat overbearing older sister who is a control freak. This is the woman that sends me helpful emails as if she has forgotten that I am a nearly 40 year old woman and not an 18 year old kid without a clue. I tend to ignore those but will be much harder when she's sitting in my living room giving me the advice she loves to dole out.

So I think I've decided that to preserve my sanity I am going to take my BFF up on her offer to join her and her husband and some of their other friends in Ft. Myers, FL at the end of the month. For the price of a plane ticket I can have 6 days in a condo with private beach access in Bonita Springs. She and her husband have issues too so when I asked if coming without Pete would be awkward, i.e. the 5th wheel, she said no that it would be just me and her and her husband could go eat sea shells! So yes another really irresponsible decision for someone who is living on unemployment - but I will spend the $290 needed to fly there and I will not feel guilty about preserving my sanity.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Life can change in a second...

My sister's husband's oldest brother is going to die, probably tomorrow. He is 47 years old, he has a wife and two boys 13 and 11. About a month ago he experienced some severe and sudden pain in his back and some very serious looking bruises appeared, the doctor sent him to the hospital and he was admitted immediately. He was diagnosed with acute leukemia and started on an aggressive inpatient chemo treatment.

He started having some major issues with being in the hospital, I think they called it hospital psychosis. He was sure the nurses were trying to kill him, he escaped from the hospital once and pulled the fire alarm on his way out. He was restrained and medicated. His poor wife going through hell.

Then Saturday morning around 4am he went into cardiac arrest, it took over 35 minutes to revive him. They used hypothermic blankets to lower his body temperature in an attempt to let his body heal a bit and hoping to minimize brain damage. But after warming him back up and removing him from the drugs medically inducing coma - the tests show that the brain damage is extensive and he will not be able to survive off the life support machines.

The family signed a DNR tonight and the life support will be removed tomorrow.

A month ago their family was happy and everyone seemed healthy and they were enjoying their summer and now tomorrow 2 boys will lose their daddy, and one woman will lose her lifelong love.

I'm so sad for them although I don't know them super well and it makes me want to hug those close to me and remind them how much they mean because life can change in a second.

UPDATE: RIP - Steve. He passed at 3am on September 9th.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Good news travels fast...

I woke up this morning to the sound of a doorbell. Thankfully no one was at the door but I had forgotten to silence my phone last night and the doorbell is my text message alert. The message said "MEE fired!" and was from one of my very best friends and former co-worker from the job I had before the last one.

MEE was the devil woman that drove a bunch of us to seek employment elsewhere. While I technically left on good terms, there was no way I would even consider going back while she worked there. Today she was unceremoniously fired and escorted out of the building. I rejoiced 6 months ago when she was demoted from GM to Director, I wondered how she managed to last this long, the new VP of Marketing (her boss) started right after Memorial Day.

Soon after the text message I logged into Facebook, almost immediately another former co-worker who was fired by MEE sent me a chat message asking if I'd heard the news? And then as I started reading through my facebook home page I saw another former boss also fired by MEE had changed her status to "Ding Dong the Witch is Fired!"

So now as I ponder my employment possibilities another has opened up for me. This woman closed a door for me while she still worked there. She was a control freak micro-manager, she was a backstabber and a poor team player, while this was never directed at me I was always afraid I might be next. With her gone, I think I'll send my resume and a cover letter to the new VP of Marketing. I was one of their rising stars, I left within a few months of being promoted, I left because someone else offered me more money was the official reason. The other reason, the one never said was that the goals and budget expectations that MEE heaped on me even though I fought hard for more realistic goals would never have been attainable. I was set up to fail and she was too ignorant to realize and listen. I would have had a poor review if I did not meet my revenue and budget goals and I just didn't want to do it.

So wish me luck! My horoscope said that today was not a good day if you were looking for employment - maybe for MEE but I think it might be a great day for me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Remembering the good old days...

I spent this weekend at the NYS Fair in Syracuse, NY. Specifically I spent most of my time in the goat barn. As crazy as this sounds it is the site of some of my best memories as a teenager. From the age of 13 up I went to the NYS Fair every summer to show my goats and participate in the 4-H Youth activities there.

1988 was my most memorable year - I had made some very good friends and we all hung out together in a gang of sorts. We spent hours playing Pictionary in an empty stall or out in the aisles. We spent hours preparing for all the competitions, showmanship, confirmation classes. judging contest, and more. If you weren't a farm kid none of this will make sense to you but it was fun.

My closest friend there was Dan, he was also my biggest competition for the coveted showmanship trophy. He and I worked hard together to get ready but once we were in the ring for showmanship all bets were off. In 1988 I was 18 years old and had just graduated from high school. Dan was 19 and had just finished his first year at Cornell, it was his last year to compete in 4-H (because they use age as of Jan 1 to calculate eligibility). He wanted to win so bad he couldn't stand it. He had tried his hardest for several years and had several 2nd place finishes to show for it. He was sure this was his year to get his name engraved on that trophy.

The class began and friendships became secondary as we all went out there with one goal in mind - WIN THAT TROPHY!!!! It was a long class, with 20+ kids entered it took several hours to sort us all out and for the judge to make their decision. At the end of this long and grueling process when the judge is starting to make his placings he points to me for 1st place and my heart leaps for joy. And for 2nd place - AGAIN - for the 3rd year in a row, my best friend Dan. He was a gracious loser, he congratulated me heartily and he meant it. He kept his disappointment at bay and let me enjoy my win. He was the best kind of friend.

Since that day - for the past 20 years Dan has worked at the NYS Fair with the youth program. For many of those years he's been in charge of the program. I became a licensed judge and first in 2006 and again this year in 2009 Dan has hired me to be the judge for the youth show at the NYS Fair Goat Show.

On Saturday we were reminiscing about the good old days. Admiring the showmanship trophy which is still in circulation and has an engraved plate that lists my name and the year 1988 on it. Dan says to me "you know what I regret about those days?" and he had planned to go on and say something nice it was obvious but I threw out a one liner that had everyone around saying "good one" - I said "that you never got your name on that trophy?" and he was speechless. I feel a tiny bit bad but not too bad because that is the kind of relationship we've always had Dan & I. His wife loved what I said and high fived me.

What he had been planning to say was that he regretted not getting to know me sooner...

Awwww - I feel like a shit. :( but maybe not for long.

It felt like old times again, me and Dan trading one liners. All was right in my world for a few minutes and we were 18 and 19 again.