Going back to my roots - or going full circle?

Things have gotten to the point that I just feel trapped.  I feel betrayed, lonely and trapped. I'm not sure how to address this and I keep wanting to go back to my roots, back to the days when I went to church regularly, when I prayed prayers that were not just pleading for mercy, when I felt part of a community, and felt love from a group.  When I believed that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I sure can't think this was the plan and I'm sure that somewhere along the line I deviated from the plan and got sent off into this alternate reality.  I don't know I've gone round and round with this, fate versus destiny versus luck (or lack of luck) and I keep wanting to go back to the place that made me the girl I was 20+ years ago before I took this crazy path.

I guess I'm looking for someone to help me make the best of my current situation, to support me in the life I have now and to give me some hope.

So next Sunday I'll be setting foot in church, specifically the church I used to be a member of, where I taught Sunday School and directed the choir and sang solos on Sunday morning.  The church I left in 1995 when I chose that horrible guy that led me astray over the life I thought I was meant to live at the time.  Many additional choices past that one lead me to where I am today and yet I feel going back to this place, and these people may be the place to start healing some of this pain.

I know it won't change my situation - a husband with dementia who takes his frustration at the world out on me - but perhaps it can change the only thing that I control - my reaction to his abuse, my heart.

What does true depression feel like?

I'm tired all the time, no motivation, no energy, no excitement.  Hard to get myself out of bed and dressed and actually doing anything most days.  I get up when I have to, I go places when I have to, I eat when I'm hungry.

I have spurts of excitement here and there, a movie wrap party a few days of filming on some new material, some time with the kids.

But it comes back to  being tired, sick of cold and winter, hibernating, sleeping all day.

Something has to break soon.  Hopefully not my last thread of sanity.

Still here, still hanging on...

Marriage counseling is brutal, not sure if it is going to help or if it is going to make me want to run.  The things that are coming out are horrible, bad feelings and arguments and it just doesn't feel productive.  The therapist is just an intern, she is working on her master's and she is young and never married.  Not sure she really has any insight for us but she does try to keep things on track and not let it get too ugly.

I probably need to get my own therapist but so far I'm making do with this one, he listens well, never contradicts me and will lick away my tears to hide the evidence.

I am also spending a lot of time becoming very domesticated.  No not cleaning although I need to spend more time doing that but I have canned peaches, made quarts and quarts of tomato sauce that I canned and finally made and canned applesauce.

I am quilting up a storm, sewing is relaxing and keeps my hands busy.

I scour pintrist for projects and for the most part am fairly successful at the things I try to do but I have never had a talent at decorating cakes.  Just doesn't work out for me and I follow the instructions to a T and still I have this:

Ah well this cake is for my friend Marcia's birthday - she will appreciate the deliciousness of it even though it looks like a sad excuse for what it was supposed to be.  

So I'm soldiering on, some days  are better than others.  

Not too optimistic today...

I got rid of the "other woman" she took my email warning her to back off to heart and she blocked my husband from her facebook page.  He also sent her a message saying he couldn't talk to her "as much" uh ya think?  But she is out of the picture.

Today we start with a therapist together.  His psychologist put in the referral.  I'm not really hopeful because he tells people things like "we are going to marriage counseling and if it works, okay and if not I'm going to Ohio."  Sounds like he has no plans to work on anything.  I imagine he expects the therapist to tell me what I need to do to be a better wife and he will get to sit back and agree.  I don't think he has any idea what will actually happen in there and how bad it can be because I plan to tell the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH and nothing but THE TRUTH.  So it will be emotional, and he will NOT be looking like any kind of saint.

The person we are meeting with is the Psych Intern for the VA not a seasoned therapist.  I don't think she is ready for us, but I guess we'll see.  It is worth a shot.

Because you matter too...

One of my husband's healthcare providers (a social worker in one of his clinics) gave me a hug on Wednesday when I sorely needed one and told me that it was because I matter too.

It's nice to hear this once in awhile, she is a great person for always noticing me and what I'm feeling.  Down is what I was feeling Wed, very down.  Her attention helped.

His illness is all consuming.  It has taken over every part of our life, my life.  He wants people to see him for who he used to be and not who he has become so he lies.  He talks to old high school friends and he lies.  He has inappropriate conversations with other women and he lies.

I know I'm here day in and day out and he can't lie to me about his illness or it's severity so he seeks others who don't know and he tries to make himself feel like he used to because they don't know or understand that he is not at all who he used to be.

The latest instance was with a friend he had from high school, a woman of course.  Some chatting got way out of hand in my opinion.  I know and understand his illness and that impulse control is nearly zero for him.  What I want to know is why she went along with it?  She is supposedly in a relationship and happy and she KNOWS he is married, happy or not you don't go there with someone else's husband, not if you have any class that is.  Maybe it's just me being pissed off, but I have spent the last 4 days writing a letter to let her know she has been played, and that I have caught her out and that I am NOT amused and wish her to just drop off the face of the earth.

Somehow not finding the nerve to push send right now.  But I will, yep I am going to tell this woman to BACK OFF my husband, or maybe I'll offer to drop him and his dirty laundry and many problems off on her doorstep, that is if she really wants him so bad?

Promises broken...

I know that his disease really does affect his thinking.  I know he has dementia and cannot always help the things he says and the things he does.

Part of me can forgive him over and over and over for the same offenses.

Part of me dies a little inside with each new lie, each promise broken.

Part of me wishes walking away were an option.

Part of me wishes that I could make him feel just a fraction of the pain he makes me feel.

But it's a disease.  And it isn't in me to do the things he does over and over just to get even.

And it isn't in me to leave.

Today I don't like him very much at all.

And despite it all I still love him.

Trying to save him from himself...

And it just gets me burned.  He resents me, yells at me, tells me to shut up.  Meanwhile he tells everyone far more than they need to know and sometimes more than they should know.  If I try to stop him to save whatever can be saved I get screamed at.

It's been a bad day.

Don't Fall in Love With A Dreamer...

Cause he'll break you every time.

Just when you think you've really changed him...

There is your biggest mistake - thinking you can really change anyone BUT yourself.

Filed under lessons learned the hard way.

Stuck in a Rutt...

My house is a mess.

My office is a mess worthy of an episode of hoarders.

My kitchen counters are cluttered beyond belief.

I have customers waiting for me to do work for them.

I have potential customers I should contact.

I am sitting here in my winter slump, at 11am still in my nightgown and slippers with serious thoughts of going back to bed running through my head.

So I made a list - things I MUST accomplish today:

1. clean the kitchen counter
2. clean the table
3. make 1 customer call
4. go to my dentist appt
5. compile a mailing list for my new catalogs

This is not an unreasonable list.  Let's see if I can do it.

Starting in the kitchen.

Blah Days

I've been having too many of them lately.  Days where I don't want to do anything and so I just vegetate and stew over the facts of my life.  Really it is not bad, I have it pretty good right now, and yet I miss the me I used to be.  Energized, motivated, driven, ambitious, although I do not have the energy to be any of those things right now.

So.... bump on a log it is.

Time Management Skills

I used to be great at time management.  I was able to crank out incredible amounts of work in short periods of time.  I could do 5 things at once and do them well.  I kept multiple plates spinning, all my balls in the air and had time to spare.  When I had a full time job, hobbies, friends, a house, a husband and a life somehow I managed it all and never felt overwhelmed.

These days?  I am completely and totally ineffective at everything it seems.  I have multiple customer website projects going and they are all behind schedule.  I can barely drag myself out to sell the ads for my part time contract job.  My desk is a mess, my house is a mess, I feel overwhelmed that I can't possibly do it all.

What has changed?  Theoretically I should have no trouble getting all of this done in the time I have available and yet sometimes whole days go by when I accomplish nothing.

Take today for example.  It's 9:15am and I'm in PJ's still and have done nothing productive.  I have 2 websites to work on and a whole slew of ad's to call about or actually go visit customers.  I could clean my house, mow the yard one last time, do laundry, do dishes.  What am I doing?  Writing a blog, surfing facebook, and watching old episodes of FRINGE on netflix and telling myself I'll get to the other stuff later.

I have lost my motivation which makes my time management skills suck royally.  Maybe I'm depressed?  Or maybe I'm just lazy.

The Waiting Game

It sucks.

Interview on Tuesday - she basically told me I made the cut for 2nd interview and yet Wed-Fri - no call to set it up. :(

Now I'm wondering did I screw something up at the end there? I sent thank you notes to both the interviewers. I reaffirmed my interest in the position and what I could bring to the role.

I kicked ass to be blunt.

Why haven't I gotten a phone call? Will they call on Monday for Tuesday appts? Seems kind of late.

I. HATE. WAITING!

Dreaming of escape

Is it wrong to dream of a place with just me and the animals, of peace and quiet, of no one to call me stupid, or expect me to read their mind? Is it wrong to think of starting over and yearning for a chance to just put all this behind me? Is it wrong to wish that I could just be alone with no one to bother me, to interfere, to harrass?

I wonder if the dog and the cats could come to the loony bin with me? Padded cell for 4 please.

Deal Breakers...

What do you consider a deal breaker?

• In a friendship?
• A romantic relationship?
• A marriage?
  

To me it all comes down to promises kept. If you promise to do something for someone you do it. If you promise you won't do something because you know you shouldn't and they asked you not to you don't do it.

Recently my husband made some promises to me in an effort to recover what we once had. He does not want to keep his end of the bargain now, says he didn't realize what he was promising. But to me not keeping these promises is a deal breaker and I'm ready to walk.

I feel like a bitch if I put it out there like that and yet this is how I feel. Do what you said you would, keep your promises or I will no longer feel bound to keep mine.

Apathy is no friend of mine...

I am so apathetic these days, and part of it is this cold, snowy winter but it seems like more than that. I think I am probably depressed, well duh some of you say, but seriously I have never had this problem where I couldn't just force myself to snap out of it.

I am still trying to snap out of it but failing and that seems to make the problem worse. I am also sick again. I had bronchitis the first week of the year and spent 10 days on Augmentin and thought I was mostly over it. But I went on a trip with my youth group that meant 7.5 hours on the bus to DC and then 10 hours mostly outside in the cold (about 19) and then another 7.5 hours on the bus back home. During this time I slept about 90 minutes in 30 minute increments. I left home at 8:30 on Sunday night and arrived home again at 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday and crashed HARD.

My husband also has bronchitis and a sinus infection that he picked up skiing in New Hampshire. He brought it home to me. I don't think I have another infection - coughing is not productive and mostly annoying. But I will try to hit the doctor in the morning and would like an inhaler or a nebulizer and some narcotic cough syrup. That and a weekend of sleeping should help.

And just praying that once I get my health back that the depression and the apathy might finally go away?

Just wishing for life to be easier all around...

The job is a job, the weather is depressing, the status of my marriage is still in limbo land, we are trying but there is a lot to overcome and I feel like he's not trying as hard as he should. Overall I am just feeling blah.

Husband tells me to quit my job - we probably COULD afford it but where does that leave me if this relationship rescue goes south? With no income and totally dependent on him? I'm not ready for that.

Husband wants to go on a vacation - we definitely can afford it but I don't have any time at work. He wants me to ask for unpaid time and frankly while they would probably give it to me I have to wonder what makes me entitled when no one else is? I'm not asking for unpaid time to take care of a medical issue, or a child, I'd be asking for unpaid time to go on a cruise, or to the beach. I just don't know if I can ask for that, feels weird. :(

I want the husband to take me seriously, to really do what he said he would do and stop pushing limits. I want him to realize that this is our last chance and not think I'll cave and give in like I have a hundred times before if he blows it off this time.

I want to be happy, desperately happy, I want it more than anything and it feels so far out of my grasp.

My favorite Christmas Song

>

I have always loved this song and all versions of it but Robert Downey Jr. singing it from Ally McBeal is probably my favorite. Couldn't find the whole song online but have it on my ipod and this time of year I play it over and over.

I wish...

I'm going to pretend nothing is happening here...

that is what my husband does when he does not want to answer a question or face the music - he pretends he didn't hear it or didn't do it, etc.

So I'm pretending that he isn't trying to force me to do what he wants.

His latest is that he can't drive after dark. So he's trapped at home with darkness coming earlier and earlier each day. But you can bet if he ran out of cig's he'd drive after dark to go get them - just not to come for dinner while I'm at work. It's okay I can keep up this game for awhile.

When he starts to really push and insist we list the house is when it will have to come to harsh reality. I have to wonder if I force him to choose which he would choose? I mean he is trying to force me to choose. So will he choose his mom or me? And does she really want him full time? I know the answer to that NO SHE DOES NOT!

It may be time to have a heart to heart with his mom and let her know my bottom line. If he's coming to Dayton he's coming without me and he will be her responsibility. She may start encouraging him to stay put.

But until his VA claim is settled - if it's in his favor - there is no way he can afford to go so now I find myself hoping the VA continues to drag it's collective feet.

Trying not to get discouraged...

The great cover letter I wrote last week in application for a local job didn't get a call back. The deadline for applications was last Friday and I felt confident and hopeful. I thought I'd get a call early in the week to at least set up an interview and talk to me - I mean what could just talking to me hurt? But it seems once again I won't even get the call after really pouring myself into that letter.

I just don't get it. :(

Depression...

I think that many of this weeks major drama's have come because of my husband's birthday - it was Tuesday and he turned 44 years old. I think he's feeling his age and is depressed because he's getting older, getting less and less capable and more and more dependent on me. He knows it, I know it. His way of fighting it is to fight me. Well if that is what he wants to do.

I did plan a trip for his birthday and we are going to Springfield, MA for 2 days. Day one will be the NBA Hall of Fame and then we will check into a nice hotel with a 2 person hot tub in the room for 2 nights. The second day we are going to attend the Big E - Eastern States Exposition - basically like the state fair for all of New England, a big deal. Another night in the hopefully fabulous hotel and then back home.

I need some time away and hoping that husband will leave his attitude and his mean spirit at home and that we might really have a nice time.

Here's hoping.