Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Going back to my roots - or going full circle?

Things have gotten to the point that I just feel trapped.  I feel betrayed, lonely and trapped. I'm not sure how to address this and I keep wanting to go back to my roots, back to the days when I went to church regularly, when I prayed prayers that were not just pleading for mercy, when I felt part of a community, and felt love from a group.  When I believed that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I sure can't think this was the plan and I'm sure that somewhere along the line I deviated from the plan and got sent off into this alternate reality.  I don't know I've gone round and round with this, fate versus destiny versus luck (or lack of luck) and I keep wanting to go back to the place that made me the girl I was 20+ years ago before I took this crazy path.

I guess I'm looking for someone to help me make the best of my current situation, to support me in the life I have now and to give me some hope.

So next Sunday I'll be setting foot in church, specifically the church I used to be a member of, where I taught Sunday School and directed the choir and sang solos on Sunday morning.  The church I left in 1995 when I chose that horrible guy that led me astray over the life I thought I was meant to live at the time.  Many additional choices past that one lead me to where I am today and yet I feel going back to this place, and these people may be the place to start healing some of this pain.

I know it won't change my situation - a husband with dementia who takes his frustration at the world out on me - but perhaps it can change the only thing that I control - my reaction to his abuse, my heart.

Monday, March 3, 2014

What does true depression feel like?

I'm tired all the time, no motivation, no energy, no excitement.  Hard to get myself out of bed and dressed and actually doing anything most days.  I get up when I have to, I go places when I have to, I eat when I'm hungry.

I have spurts of excitement here and there, a movie wrap party a few days of filming on some new material, some time with the kids.

But it comes back to  being tired, sick of cold and winter, hibernating, sleeping all day.

Something has to break soon.  Hopefully not my last thread of sanity.