Coming into myself

Who would have thought that finally in my forties I'd start to feel comfortable in my own skin?  That I'd lose some inhibition and go for things I want?  Well I never would have predicted it but so far in 2014 I have sang and danced in the musical Aida with a great cast.  Me?  Dancing? On a STAGE? in front of an AUDIENCE?  Well it happened for real!  This is me, in the center right under the guy standing up on a platform in the back.

And I have worked on 3 short films so far in 2014, as an actor in one of them and Producer on all of them.  One more to go and I will be acting and producing in that one as well.  I have an IMDB page - for real!  :)  My IMDB page is HERE!

And yesterday I actually auditioned for a lead part in a musical.  I was nervous and felt a bit silly trying out (many, many child parts and I was the only adult who auditioned yesterday more tonight).  BUT I nailed it, I really did.  My singing was right on the money and I read for the part I wanted and did very, very well I believe.  So now I am hoping no one better shows up for tonight's auditions.  I want this part, yes I really, really do.

So yes the things that most people are doing in their 20's finding themselves and expressing themselves and being all artistic, well I'm doing it now.  In my 20's I was too busy working 3 jobs trying to make ends meet to be artistic.

Don't worry if I get the part you will know for sure as I will shout it from the mountaintops to anyone who will listen.  :)

Going back to my roots - or going full circle?

Things have gotten to the point that I just feel trapped.  I feel betrayed, lonely and trapped. I'm not sure how to address this and I keep wanting to go back to my roots, back to the days when I went to church regularly, when I prayed prayers that were not just pleading for mercy, when I felt part of a community, and felt love from a group.  When I believed that God loved me and had a plan for my life. I sure can't think this was the plan and I'm sure that somewhere along the line I deviated from the plan and got sent off into this alternate reality.  I don't know I've gone round and round with this, fate versus destiny versus luck (or lack of luck) and I keep wanting to go back to the place that made me the girl I was 20+ years ago before I took this crazy path.

I guess I'm looking for someone to help me make the best of my current situation, to support me in the life I have now and to give me some hope.

So next Sunday I'll be setting foot in church, specifically the church I used to be a member of, where I taught Sunday School and directed the choir and sang solos on Sunday morning.  The church I left in 1995 when I chose that horrible guy that led me astray over the life I thought I was meant to live at the time.  Many additional choices past that one lead me to where I am today and yet I feel going back to this place, and these people may be the place to start healing some of this pain.

I know it won't change my situation - a husband with dementia who takes his frustration at the world out on me - but perhaps it can change the only thing that I control - my reaction to his abuse, my heart.

Making less and having more...

5 years ago I had a very good paying job and so did my husband.  We were comfortably middle class and living well within our means.  We had a nice house and nice cars and we did pretty much what we wanted.  It was not a bad existence.

And then the bottom dropped out, his MS progressed, in Oct 2008 he quit working without a plan and I had to scramble to find a plan while continuing to work full time to pay the bills.  I filled out the VA application for him for service connected disability in April 2009 and then we waited.  Until June 2009 when I was suddenly let go with no warning.

Now no one is working and I'm bringing home $430 a week from Unemployment.  I know people who live on less than that BUT they did not have my mortgage or my two car payments, or my bills.  Panic set in briefly until I figured out that thanks to the VA Pension that my husband WOULD be granted he would continue to be paid for his entire life.  And his IRA's were probably NOT going to be as necessary in the future as they were right then and there.  So we cashed them in a bit at a time and we lived on this to supplement my unemployment until he started getting his VA pension in November of that year.

I started working part time at waiting tables, and we were making ends meet.  Not too terribly long after his VA pension came through we applied for Social Security for him and he was granted that as well.  All of a sudden our finances are a little less scary.

Then right as my COBRA is running out and I am taking a job just for health insurance his unemployability rating comes through and I am now qualified for dependent health care through a federal program called CHAMPVA.  I still took the job but minus the health care deductions that would have eaten up most of my pay.  Still I feel panic that we are just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And I get laid off from that job too after just 9 months.  In time to enjoy my summer greatly. And I do, and my winter too collecting unemployment and starting to build my consulting business.  I got called back to the job but after just 3 months I quit as it just isn't working out for me and the VA travel is not working out for my husband.

His mother had recently passed away and money from her estate and a car from her estate allowed me to sell my car and take on a car with no payment this allowed me to quit that job.  And yet all the time I am worried that I made some grave error.

And yet when I did my taxes this year and realized just how much I am making from my consulting and from waiting tables it suddenly came to me - we are pretty secure.  I can stop worrying about this from day to day.  It seems someone has been watching out for us, things happen just when we need them and we are not just comfortable, for people in our situation we are pretty well off.

I'm almost afraid to breathe a sigh of relief, there are still things we need to do (life insurance for a start) but for right now I can stop waiting for that other shoe to fall.  For right now we are pretty secure and in this economy that is saying a heck of a lot.

Just very thankful to have one less thing to worry about right now.

Minor Humiliations...

This shouldn't humiliate me and yet to a minor degree I felt some humiliation.

Friday Night at the Restaurant - in walks a large group of 13 people that I do not know BUT wait I do know one of them.  One of them is a man who was a Brand Director for a company that I worked for 5+ years ago when I was a Brand Manager and he was my boss.  Back when I was someone important.  When I had a STAFF that reported to me.  Back when I worked 50+ hours a week and traveled on business and garnered respect as I climbed the corporate ladder.

He recognized me because he said hello to me by name.  But that was it.  He did not ask how I have been since I left there 5+ years ago.  He did not seem interested in why I was now taking his pasta order rather than managing a team of brand marketers somewhere.

I wanted to explain - when I left that job my husband was still relatively healthy, walking, working full time at his own career.  I wanted to say how far I went before realizing I could no longer be part of that corporate world and still fulfill the promises I made at the altar that day 13 years ago.  I wanted to tell him how my own private endeavors that I work at less than 20 hours a week are providing an income just shy of what I made when I worked for him.

I didn't want him to think I was just a waitress.

But he didn't ask so I just brought him his food and acted like I didn't care.  I did.

Breaking through the other side...

I have been reading some of my old blog posts, it's always good to see where you have come from.  It amazes me when I read the posts full of pain, fear, depression, posts where I felt alone, trapped, abused.  Some are hard to read.  Some are down right dramatic.  I am amazed though as I read them to realize I have come through all of this and while life is far from perfect it's a whole lot better than I ever thought possible just 2 years ago.

We have settled into a more comfortable place.  My husband is more stable in his disease and less combative in his day to day dealings with me.  He has resigned himself to the fact that we live here, in NY, and that it does not make sense for use to move.  He has made some friends in the veterans community and I have made friends as well with some wives.  We have friends with a common perspective, with common struggles and it makes a big difference.

His meds are fairly well regulated, he is much happier overall and the depression has lifted some.

I am no longer deluding myself that a full time career is my destiny.  I am happier working part time jobs and doing my own thing than I could ever be in corporate america after all I've been through.

So maybe this is why I'm not writing all the time anymore - my prolific posting had to do with misery and depression and I'm just not there anymore.

I miss writing though, I'd like to try to do more of it.  I still have plenty to complain about but pet peeves really are not as interesting as real heartbreak and sorrow.  I'll take my rather uninteresting life though, it is much more peaceful these days.

Life is Good...

I see these T-shirts everywhere and think really?  But lately?  Yeah Life is Good for me too!  No more full time job means less stress.  No car payment has helped a great deal.  Picked up a few extra hours at the restaurant.  My Scentsy business is exploding and my Marketing Consulting business is growing slowly too.  I have picked up 2 new customers in the last month and I can honestly say right now Life is Good.

I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

Wasting my education...

I know many people think I'm wasting my education and my talents by working part time as a waitress.  I know my husband really thinks I should be making use of my master's degree and making a boatload of money.  And yet I am happy not having a "career" right now.  I'm able to make some money, visit with people while they are out having a good time, and available to take him to appointments and go camping and take a 7 day cruise.  I'm able to stay up late and sleep in.  To mow the lawn on Monday morning (after sleeping in of course) rather than getting up at the crack of dawn and driving an hour or more to a stress filled day.

Granted I need to do more with my life - I'm working on getting my home based marketing consulting business going.  And yet ambitious I am not, not at all.

It's weird, so not where I envisioned myself when I was working hard to earn that MBA and now that it is just a very expensive piece of paper framed on my wall, I still know that it was a great thing for me at the time and that I have no desire to take on the kind of long hours, high stress job that come with the title of MBA.

I'm perfectly fine being called "waitress" and I don't mind hearing "miss, could I have more coffee?"  With it comes more serenity than I ever imagined possible.

Strange Dreams...

I had the oddest dream last night. I was older and Pete was not there and I was sad about it. In my dream I was marrying a much older man, someone who was very wealthy and I was terrified because he was announcing our engagement to his children who were both older than me and not likely to take the news very well.

Just as he was starting to introduce me to them the doorbell rang and I sat bolt upright in bed. I'm still not sure if the doorbell was in my dream or my actual doorbell? The dogs didn't bark which makes me think it was just part of the bizarre dream.

Why is it when I remember my dreams it's because I found them so disturbing?

Unemployment, Sweet Unemployment...

So I didn't have to make the choice to walk away from the job that was so bad for me. I got laid off and now I can collect unemployment while I figure out my next steps! I'm thrilled to be unemployed! LOL

I have already met with 2 new clients who need help with Website Design and Social Media Marketing, and one hired me for 10 hours a month, the other we need to finalize details. The restaurant I worked at for 2 years is opening up again very soon and I will be doing her web and social media marketing as well as waiting tables occasionally, life is good.

It's coming together, the reinvention is underway!

Reinventing myself once again...

Time for a change. Job clearly didn't happen. Stuck in a bad place for me and it's time to get unstuck.

So here goes nothing - I'm reviving my Design Firm - graphic design, websites, shopping carts, social media marketing, blogs, and more!

And come September I plan to be enrolled in a Post Baccalaureate Teacher Certification Program that will allow me to become certified to teach in New York State - this will be paid for courtesy of the VA thanks to my husband's 100% disabled status.

I will take whatever shifts I can from the restaurant, and scrounge for business however possible for my design firm. I will no longer be selling advertising - now to get up my nerve to make the jump.

The Waiting Game

It sucks.

Interview on Tuesday - she basically told me I made the cut for 2nd interview and yet Wed-Fri - no call to set it up. :(

Now I'm wondering did I screw something up at the end there? I sent thank you notes to both the interviewers. I reaffirmed my interest in the position and what I could bring to the role.

I kicked ass to be blunt.

Why haven't I gotten a phone call? Will they call on Monday for Tuesday appts? Seems kind of late.

I. HATE. WAITING!

Cautiously Optimistic...

I had an interview today. It went great, they brought in 8 people and are narrowing it down to 2 for 2nd interview's next week. As I was leaving she told me she'd be seeing me next week. Yippee, final 2.

I want to get this job in the worst possible way. I need it!

Lead me...

Show me you're willing to fight,

that I'm still the love of your life...

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone.

If only...

This song makes me sad - I am tired of having to be the strong one and yet that will never change for me. NEVER! :(

I have a dream... some hope...

So my current job is sucking the life out of me I make 25-30 sales calls per day and get rejected face to face 95% of the time. It makes it hard to face the next stop and the next inevitable rejection. I was not cut out for sales. I know that and I knew it when I took the job BUT I had hoped I could make a go of it, that age and maturity would allow me to handle it better than the last time I did sales (1992) but no, I really can't force the motivation needed to really succeed at this horrible job. I dread every day, I don't put anywhere near my all into it and despite pep talks every day that I give myself I sometimes find myself sitting in the car just wanting to cry rather than go into the next rejection site.

So I had an epiphany yesterday. There is a very successful roadside restaurant/ice cream stand about 4 miles from my home. The people who own this rent it out as their business is the apple orchard and country store right next to it and they don't want to run a restaurant too. One of their son's built and opened this years ago but then lost interest and so for the past 4 years it has been rented to two different individuals. The first ran a great business there BUT had personality conflicts with the owners and eventually they just couldn't manage it anymore and parted ways. Then last summer they rented it to some carny folk. They thought it would be okay and at first it was BUT they ended up having major issues with food quality and cleanliness and they threw these people out.

So it sits empty and normally this place is open from April - October. I wondered if they had anyone to run it this summer and so today I went in and inquired. They do not. They were so burned by the last two renters that they were planning to just let it sit empty this summer. That would be a huge shame. These people have known me since I was in diapers. They know my parents. They know what kind of people we are (clean, hard working, honest) and I think that I may be able to talk them into renting it to me.

If they do I could quit my soul sucking job in April and instead be in charge of my own destiny for the first time. It would allow me to dip my foot into the world of restaurant ownership and see if this is something I really would want to do (I've dreamed of it for years) and I think it could be hugely profitable. This place is on a major thoroughfare to Cooperstown and gets tons of summer traffic. It also had a ton of local business that would come back if I advertise new management (and I will).

I would keep the menu simple - burgers, dogs, fried stuff (chicken, fish, fries, other snacks) maybe some salads and wraps. And ice cream - fantastically fattening and delicious ice cream!

I will be talking to the manager this week (talked to her dad who is semi retired today) and hopefully we can come to some sort of arrangement. I am very hopeful. I am envisioning hiring my youth group kids to work for me and what a great place we could have there. I'm liking the idea of maybe only working April to October but if needed during the off season I could find a job somewhere else waiting tables or working in a store. I have health insurance from the VA and don't need benefits so that is covered.

I'm feeling hopeful for the first time since October, it's good.

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

After a very long and hard few years filled with anger and resentment, filled with fear and rejection and growing further and further apart. With fears of losing my sanity, fears that perhaps the man I loved was really gone and the angry man in his place was who I was going to be stuck with forever - I now have hope.

The hot mess that was my life reached a crisis point on Thursday night. I just couldn't take much more and so I laid it all out there. I bared my soul to him, to the man I still love desperately despite all of these things that have been so bad. I told him that something had to change, that we were so far apart and both so miserable. I told him I thought "we" were worth fighting for and that I wanted to save our marriage, to fall in love with each other all over again, to work for it.

He is not here - he is 650 miles away from here and I sent this desperate and lonely plea out over the interwebz to him and then waited to see what he said. I figured at this point it was 50/50 whether he came back to me or we just said let's give this up before we both go insane.

Well he came back to me. We have talked, shared, opened up, bared souls. And today starting 2011 I can honestly say this is the first year in a long time that I really do believe that this year will be better than the last.

And since total honestly and open communication is what we are working for it's time I give my husband the URL to this blog. I don't know if he will read it, my online diary of love, fear and pain since 2008 but I have to tell him it's here and just let the chips fall where they may.

And Pete - I hope that when (if) you read some of the things here you will see me the real me and know that with some of the postings I was very hurt and yet through it all I have loved you.

Just a quick update...

I got the job - 32 hours a week, flexible hours/days, base salary covers what I made from unemployment, mileage is paid, commission on sales made too, I am super hopeful and ready to get started next Wed is my first day!

Had a great night at the restaurant tonight - made up for not making a great deal last night - lots of great tippers tonight made me $22 an hour while I was there - AWESOME!

Tomorrow - off to Six Flags - hoping for a GREAT day with friends and hubby.

Goodnight interwebs - things are looking up a bit.

Having a better week...

Have had one job interview (for a job I did not get) on Wed and another on Friday for a job I hope to get still.

Husband has not mentioned moving to Ohio once this week.

Saturday we are going to Six Flags with some friends and taking the kids from our youth group band. Sunday we are spending the day with our friends who are part of the youth group band/leadership group. Sunday night we are back to youth group at 6pm and my good friend who is the youth minister and I will be making pizza for the kids all afternoon while my husband and her husband will be playing XBox and doing things boys do. :)

Hopefully I will soon be back to work - the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is one that I did 18 years ago and at that time was too young, too insecure, too green to really do well. But now? I can kill this job - I have more skills, more confidence, more people skills, and I will be able to relate to people as a peer and not as some kid right out of school. :) It is 32 hours a week mostly on the road locally and flexible so will fit my life much better than full time 8-5 in an office.

So here's hoping that soon I will be employed again and that things continue an upward trend.

Cover Letter Worked After All...

I will be having a phone interview on Thursday for this job that I sent the cover letter in for.

Now I have another dilemma - I also just applied for a Director of Marketing position - one that will likely take a long time to go through the steps if I'm considered. The job that I have the interview for will likely be decided quickly and if I get offered it I should take it. BUT the other job is a career and I would have to take it if I got the chance.

The dilemma is after my talk of loyalty and all that jazz if I got a better offer and I left would that make me an extreme hypocrite?

And am I counting my chickens before I even have the eggs that might hatch some day?

Trying not to get discouraged...

The great cover letter I wrote last week in application for a local job didn't get a call back. The deadline for applications was last Friday and I felt confident and hopeful. I thought I'd get a call early in the week to at least set up an interview and talk to me - I mean what could just talking to me hurt? But it seems once again I won't even get the call after really pouring myself into that letter.

I just don't get it. :(

A wing and a prayer...

There is a job advertised in a business in my small town - it is for a woman business owner that is known to be smart, savvy, compassionate, and funny. I am interested in this position although if you look at my resume it is definitely beneath my skills and education. I want the chance to talk to this woman because I think she would feel for my situation and give me a chance. I know I could be a great thing for her business too. I've applied for several local positions that would be the same - beneath my skills but I am willing and yet they don't even call me back. So this time I wrote this cover letter hoping to get her to at least talk to me:

Dear Business Owner,

I would like to be considered for your Data Entry & Processing Specialist position. I am smart, mature, educated, and funny. You will find me loyal and hard working and extremely speedy. I once completed a data entry project that was slated to take 6 months in just over 6 weeks, this was unfortunate as I worked myself right out of that temporary position. I type 70+ WPM and am highly accurate, I'm smart enough to question things that just don't make sense rather than just type what I see as some data entry clerks I've worked with in the past.

You may wonder why someone with my education level and experience is applying for this level of a job, and in past cover letters I have focused on my qualifications and not gotten the call back I had hoped for. So I am going to be very honest with you - yes I do have an MBA and years of Marketing experience. I also have a disabled veteran husband who depends on me for many things. He is self sufficient day to day but I don't feel comfortable being 50-60 miles away in case of emergency and Albany is where those level jobs are at. I need flexibility in my scheduling because every 4 weeks I need an afternoon to take him to the VA Hospital in Albany for appointments. I need to work for someone who will understand this responsibility and respect me for it.

What I can offer you? Loyalty, Smarts, Computer Expertise (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Access and more), a friendly face in your office, a professional presence in your business. I am also quite confident that I can do a job that would take the average person 40 hours in 30 hours per week. I don't think you would be disappointed in my performance if you gave me a chance.

If you are interested in discussing further I can be reached at home-phone or cell-phone. I do hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

~Tricia