Giving up...

One of the things that drives me nuts is that my husband gives up on things too easily. A recent example of this is bowling.

He used to be very good at bowling, he had this sort of running approach, where he threw the ball so it just skimmed the right gutter and then hooked back in to make a killer strike much of the time. The MS has taken many things from him, he no longer has the strength or stability in his legs to even attempt to throw the ball this way. So for years he has just not bothered to bowl.

Last Saturday night one of our dear friends had a bowling birthday party for herself - it was great fun. We got there very late as I was working at the restaurant but to my surprise my husband wanted to bowl. (and to my disgust he had gone out that day and bought new bowling shoes cause he couldn't find his old ones - more on that later)

As I said we got there late - he got added to one of the lanes but they shut us down before he got to bowl more than 3 frames (yeah $50 shoes for 3 frames of bowling). For those 3 frames he attempted to use his old approach style and nearly fell over, he threw gutter balls, he was mortified. I think he was glad the game got called early.

So the next day we are out and decide to eat lunch at our local bowling alley - I suggest we should try to bowl a few games where he has no audience and can work on adapting his methods to bowl without using his legs so heavily. He was discouraged, got nasty with me when I made suggestions because I suck at bowling and who am I to tell him what to do, etc.

I think he needs to walk up to the line, and learn to use his arms and upper body to throw the ball, probably can't do the crazy hook thing and just throw it straight into the pocket. He keeps trying to throw the crazy hook and at least 50% of the time he lands it in the gutter.

I say that someone who hasn't bowled in 15 years MS or not can't expect to pick right up where he left off. Yeah that didn't go over well either.

So I doubt he'll go do it again, even though I think he could learn how to bowl well again if he would just try to adapt. He is discouraged because he sucked and probably won't try again.

Which leads me to - he knew he can hardly walk and would probably suck at it - and he couldn't just wear rental shoes for one night? REALLY? I mean we're broke and he spends $50 on shoes he wore for a grand total of an hour and it looks like he'll never try again.

The whole darned thing annoys me. GRRRR

trying to heal the brokenness inside...

I heard this song for the first time yesterday:



I cried.

Then I came home and was filing my unemployment claim for the week and realized that I don't fall into all that emergency UI that others get for up to 99 weeks. 46 weeks is it for me, unless they make further extensions I will be done with unemployment in the end of May. I'm terrified - what will I do after that?

I suppose getting a job is the obvious choice, but then how will my husband get to his VA appointments? Who will make sure he's eating lunch, not doing crazy things? The bottom line is I just don't want to go back to full time work but unless one or both of my husbands open claims gets settled in his favor we cannot possibly afford for me to not work full time. :( The idea of going back to my career is not exciting, it's terrifying. I just don't want to do it anymore, don't want to get up early and drive to a job that I just have no passion for. Let's face it I don't have passion for anything right now.

I need to do something to try and heal this brokenness inside me, and yet I don't know where to start.

Spring is here...

The weather outside is beautiful, getting warmer heading toward a killer weekend. It's Easter weekend and we have no plans, nothing to do with anyone, family is all out of town. Not sure what we'll do - I'd say relax but we've been doing a bit too much of that lately.

Maybe we'll go out to dinner and take in a museum or a movie or something.

In other news still have not completed my taxes. I just don't feel up to it and I now have 14 days left to finish. I am getting a rather large refund, but I can't spend it - it has to go to the roof.

I am still addicted to WoW and playing regularly- up to level 50 on my main character.

I found out a friend of mine got a job that I was heavily recruited for. Makes me think it could have been mine if only I'd just snapped my fingers. Problem was it's an hour and 20 drive and I just DON'T want to go that far to then work 50 hours a week on top of it so I declined to interview. Good for her, I should be happy for her. I'm having a hard time mustering the happiness.

I bought a choker collar for my dog - I will teach him to walk on a leash like a properly trained dog if it kills both of us. So far he's getting it much faster now. Tip for dog training: teach them to walk nice on a leash before they weigh 110 pounds!

That's about it - just kinda blah even though the weather is turning around. Need to try and work on that.

Le Meow...

This is Felix - thankfully he is a sweet, cuddly and forgiving cat. We were bored on Monday and I found a Sharpie. Nuff said.

Mustache is already gone today, he furiously washed his face all night I think? :)

I've really been neglecting my blog

I must admit internet I have a new addiction. Something that takes me out of the world I live in for a few hours at a time and immerses me in a whole different world. A world where I get to be totally badass and blast the living daylights out of things that get in my way. I tell you it is super satisfying to just take down the monsters one by one. I wish it was that easy in real life to just eliminate the monsters.

My new addiction? World of Warcraft

Really...

I know, who would have ever thought it? I certainly never had any interest in role player games before. The idea of sitting at a computer for hours playing a game where I shoot things and kill then certainly never appealed before.

I started playing for my husband. He started playing and wanted me to play with him. So I took the 10 day free trial offer and at first I really wasn't that into it. Then I played some more, and some more. Now I am more into than he is. I am higher level than he is. My character can kick his character's ass! WOOT - but mostly I play with him and help him with his tasks.

Totally not my thing, I've never been a gamer, but I guess I am now?

The downside to all this - the only reason I am higher level and needing to help my husband in this game is because the MS has taken this away from him. He was the gamer, always playing things like Diablo or Half Life, etc. He was good at it. Not anymore. He can't follow the maps, he gets lost, he gets confused, he gets frustrated. He needs me to play with him. I enjoy playing on my own much more - with other friends and people who don't get lost, frustrated and aren't in the next room screaming at me to help them. I kinda wish he'd give up on it since it's so frustrating for him. But I don't think I can give up - not yet anyway.

So dear internet - this is where I have been. Running around disguised as a troll in a fantasy world for hours every day.

If you want God to laugh at you make some plans...

Life never turns out how you plan - over the years I've had many plans. In my teens and early 20's my plans included going to college, getting married, a family, a career, I was going to have it all. I spent my 20's single and mostly loving life and having a great time. I did go to college but didn't graduate and get a fabulous job with a big salary. I always had a job and eventually I got into the field of work I wanted and worked my way up those corporate ladders.

I got married shortly after turning 30 but never did start that family and its for the best really.

I went to grad school and got an MBA with dreams of screaming my way right up that corporate ladder into a six figure salary and a corner office. I started working on this dream and had made several key moves that would get me there.

Then my husband's MS took a turn for the worse, and my priorities changed. All of a sudden the long hours and travel required to climb that ladder wasn't possible and the ladder wasn't important anymore. I took a job with more flexibility and a bigger paycheck but no real future for me, and I hated it.

My time became consumed with disability applications and doctor's appointments, and then I lost the job I hated and found myself on unemployment for the first time. It was such a complete turn around from the corporate go-getter I was just 3 years ago.

These days I sleep in, I go for walks with my dog, I surf the net, I bake, I clean, I cook. I drive my husband to appointments and speak for him when he can't find the words. I advocate for him, I fight for what he deserves. It's funny I used to wonder what stay at home mom's did all day - now that I am basically a housewife and caregiver I wonder how I used to have time to work 50 hours a week.

Now my plans are shifting - and I'm more flexible. I still want to do some entrepreneurial stuff and have started a small website that I'm just not finding the time to work on and need to make the time. I'm looking at part time work from home opportunities and finding they are out there but the competition seems fierce so I'm not having a lot of luck yet but I keep trying.

Now my worries are - someday, when being a caregiver is not my primary job - will I have any job skills left? Will anyone hire me then? So planning to do some volunteer work to keep skills up and hopefully socking away cash when I can so I have a nest egg and hoping I don't have to worry about this for decades!

So despite the fact that my plans never seem to pan out - I keep making them. Gives me something to do.! :)

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January Thaw...

We had our January Thaw last week - several days in the high 30's and much of the snow melted. Then last night we got another 2-4", haven't been outside yet so I'm not sure how much we have exactly. I'll find out this afternoon when I have to go run the snow blower.

I've been cooking my way through January, making bread, cookies. chili, attempting to use my new George Foreman Grill successfully. All this baking of bread has caused my weight to start creeping up the past week which sucks as I had lost 15lbs since losing my job - lovingly referred to as "15lbs of unhappiness and misery" but fresh baked bread is adding them back one at a time.

This is unacceptable so I have also been jumping on the wii fit a bit more and trying to work out without having to go outside in the cold. (It may be 35ish out but that is still too cold for me).

So today after I get off my wii fit - I plan to bake banana bread - not exactly the answer to the problem BUT I have two overripe bananas and I don't want to throw them away. So depending on how much I eat I may need to spend a bit more time on the wii fit this week.

Motivation - where are you?

I sure wish you'd come visit me again. Kick me in the butt, get me moving forward again - toward something, toward anything.

This stagnation thing sucks.

I wish...

I wish I was allowed to make a mistake without being berated and belittled for it.

I wish I wasn’t afraid to say anything to someone for fear he overreact AGAIN.

I wish I lived in a place where I was spoken to with respect always or at least most of the time.

I wish anyone appreciated any of the things I do.

I wish someone/anyone would say thank you for anything EVER.

I wish that on a day when I go out of my way to be nice – that someone else could make the effort to just not be nasty.

I wish I hadn’t thrown mean and hateful things back when my feelings were hurt, but I did, because I’m human and there is just so much one human can take.

I wish…