Oh Yeah....

Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

That about sums up this cold, rainy, nasty Monday in which I feel that I'd love to sleep for a month.

Hope and Despair

The hope part - I got the part time gig - but it's way more part time than I had thought based on the ad. The job will only be 10-15 hours a MONTH! But it's with a marketing company and it's a marketing job so it will help my resume to not completely die. Also there are other companies that do the same job for other clients/brands and I can have more than one job at a time, many reps work for 3-4 or more and get paid 3-4 times for the same hour of work. Sounds good to me! :) I'm working on finding those other jobs now.

The despair part - I was listening to a song about loss, losing a loved one and saying goodbye especially. And I thought how cut and dried that was and how though no one really knows what to say they do somehow find the right thing. When your loved one slips away a little at a time and turns into someone you don't recognize and sometimes don't like and yet is still there and present physically? Well people have no clue what you are going through and if they do they don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to grieve my husband because he is alive and in my bed each night and yet this man that I am married to bears no resemblance (other than the physical) to the one I married 10 years ago most days.

Every once in awhile the old guy peeks out, shows kindness, shows compassion, shows love. Those are the moments that keep me going.

Things are looking up...

Dare I hope?

I applied for a part time job that would pay me more than unemployment, I got an email asking to set up a phone interview this week. I am hoping it happens today. This job would be a home office based job, would require traveling in a 30 mile radius from my home to do work in various retail stores. It would be flexible so I will be available for trips to the VA for my husband. It has benefits, insurance, 401K, etc. Occasionally I would get to go to sales meetings, etc. It would be a great way to make some money without doing the 60 hour a week thing.

I finally found the business owner for the "dream job" proposal in his storefront on Saturday and I was able to talk to him for a few minutes, handed off my proposal which he said looked great and we are going to get together to meet about it at the end of the month. HUGE POTENTIAL there!

Plans & Prosperity

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Despite being unemployed for over a year, despite my husband's disability and his unemployment status, despite fears of financial ruin and failure that my parents have had on my behalf, things are well here.

My husband hasn't worked since Oct 2008 and I've been unemployed since June 2009 and yet we have everything we need, some things we want, and have not fallen behind on a thing. His disability with the VA was approved in the nick of time, his SSDI was approved in only 3 months time, and my unemployment has kept us going.

I can only credit this to the fact that someone is looking out for us and I am thankful.

Not Destined to be a Waitress...

I have applied for several jobs in the past month that would be a lunch or a breakfast and lunch waitress. I am currently working part time as a waitress, I have lots of experience waiting tables, I have been a trainer, I have been a manager, I should be a shoe in . Neither place has called me - at one place I even got to talk to the manager and she seemed like she might hire me. It's been over a week with no call so I guess not.

I can't say I'm heartbroken over this - I really do not want to be a career waitress. But I feel like maybe someone is telling me something? Okay God I'm listening - what job is it that you want me to apply for? I'm kind of hoping that it was the legal assistant job I sent my resume in for this week. Would be nice to at least get a call.

Trying to snap out of it...

There has been a job in the local paper for over a month. It's a Legal Assistant - part time - experience preferred. I've been looking at this every week and thinking I should apply. I don't have experience but I am highly educated, have been an assistant before, and have had at least 3 classes in business law which included terminology.

Working for a local lawyer likely means lots of real estate law, divorces, traffic tickets and the like. I think I could easily handle the paperwork surrounding these. I type 70+ wpm and I'm smart and organized. A legal assistant should pay fairly well, even at part time it should be enough to keep us going with me still waiting tables 2-3 nights a week.

So I wrote a cover letter, I printed it out with my resume and an envelope and I'm putting it in the mail today. It's a blind ad - the resume goes back to the paper - so I can't follow up on it but for some reason I have a good feeling. I hope I get an interview so I can show this lawyer that I'd be a great addition to their team - prompt, responsible, smart.

And for me - it's local, short commute! It's part time, so no 60 hour weeks! It could be perfect.

Wish me luck.

p.s. Still hesitating on presentation for "dream" but may try to get that done today as well. Why not? What have I got to lose? (oh yeah the "dream" part.)

In a Funk...

For several days now I've been in a funk. Part of the problem is a summer cold I managed to catch that has made me feel icky. Part of the problem is second guessing decisions and wondering if I'm really making major mistakes. The pool is in, but it's been raining and cold since so I can't swim in it. I worry that I shouldn't have spent the money on the pool after all but it's done now.

I applied for a job on Thursday and fully expect to be hired - BUT not sure I want it. It's no career, it's breakfast and lunch waitress at the Holiday Inn - not exactly something to be thrilled about. My schedule would be 7am to 2pm 3-4 days a week. No way of knowing how much I'll really make until I do it. Just got a bit depressed staring at my framed MBA diploma and thinking about being a waitress.

Today went to church in the AM and then to eat with some friends, my husband was having a bad day and made a bit of a scene in the restaurant which was embarrassing. To make matters worse the restaurant is owned by the sister of the woman who owns the restaurant where I work so I know word will get around. These are the days when I wish myself single in the worst possible way. And yet I really don't want that - I just want my old husband back - never going to happen though.

Just the other day I heard a song that I had considered singing at our wedding 10 years ago. I wanted to actually sing it to him at the wedding but decided I couldn't hold it together for that. This song made me sob big ole wracking sobs - and made me feel very guilty for not always keeping the promise I made. This in sickness stuff is so hard sometimes.

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Coming Soon to My Backyard

So I decided that it's time to get something I really want, something I have wanted for YEARS. We had the money and I decided a pool was more enticing than a 7 day cruise and long term I'd get much more enjoyment out of it. So sometime in the next few days this is going to be installed in my backyard.

I see pool parties, afternoons floating with a book, maybe a suntan (or maybe not?) and hours of fun. And for years to come I will LOVE my pool.

It's definitely summer this week...

It's been in the 90's for days with high humidity and heat indexes in the 105 range - I have thanked GOD every day this week for my central air conditioning! And I have appreciated friends with a swimming pool who invited us over to swim a few times.

I have not had fun at the restaurant this week, it's a pizza place and we don't have central air, only stand alone units that don't make a dent in it. Because of this fact hardly any customers braved it this week and that is okay with me, it was 98 degrees in the dining room on Thursday (no lie) and I didn't want to have to move from the AC unit I had blowing right on my neck. It finally rained last night and it's somewhat cooler today but it will still be insane in there tonight and that is where I'm heading.

Updates - husband's SSDI got approved in May (after only 3 months) which has eased my concerns about finding full time work. My unemployment is extended through mid-September at least and I won't know until then if it's going to be extended again. I am looking for jobs - but finding anything closer to home that pays decent is turning out to be near impossible. A full time job about 20 miles from home that will want me to put in 110% effort but pays 1/2 of my former salary just doesn't appeal to me. Part time positions seem to be scarce at any pay scale. I applied for a lunch server position at another local restaurant and didn't even get a call - guess the owner didn't find me appealing. :(

My plans are to keep looking - and enjoy the summer because I think full time work is in my future again in the fall, maybe less stressful and definitely less lucrative but it seems I will need to do it if a part time position doesn't come up.

I do have one pipe dream/long shot that I'm working on. It involves a proposal to some very cosmopolitan guys from NYC who have become gentlemen farmers in our area. They have a TV show actually on one of the many Discovery Network channels and I have a skill that they are in desperate need of. The problem is they don't know they need me - YET - but I'm working on changing that. It could solve a whole heap of my problems if they agree that they need my skills and it could be VERY good for them too. So fingers crossed and maybe more info later on that one. I hope to make preliminary contact this coming week and schedule a face to face to lay out my proposal.

New Friends...

So yesterday's post was about an old friend (well 5ish years) that disappointed me recently BUT today's is about a new friend that I'm coming to count on more and more.

We met about a year and a half ago at church. She's quite a bit younger than me (12 years to be exact as she shares my birthday) but we have similar interests. She really pursued me for friendship asking me to lunch, to go shopping, to hang out, and this was kind of new for me. Usually I'm the one that makes the effort. She told me she's never really had many close friends which is hard to believe as she is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, and more. Being around her made me feel my shortcomings more acutely at first until I realized that she doesn't see them. She truly likes me for me and has no expectations that I should change to be more like her (I wish I could).

Her husband grew up with a similar background to me - Christian School, Christian College, Church, Youth Group, Sheltered for sure. So we have a bit of a bond there - he's a great guy and he and my husband get along well. They talk about video games and music and sports and things guys talk about. My husband really likes him a lot which is an amazing plus. We have couple friends something that we have never really managed to do.

Having them in our lives is good for us, hopefully we are good for them too. I know that despite our lack of talent they do aspire to be more like us financially - home ownership specifically. :) Right now they rent an apartment in her parents house and it's good but they do want to buy their own place some day.

And when I say talent I mean TALENT - they have a band that is amazing and write all their own music. She is a former dancer (10 years in a company) and now has her own dance studio that she teaches classes for ages 2 to adult. She sings in the band, she plays violin, guitar, piano, she teaches voice. She draws, paints, sculpts, sews, and more. There isn't anything she can't do. Her husband is a fantastic guitarist - he is teaching my husband how to play. And he's making progress, my husband who has difficulty retaining new information is actually learning and can now read music and play some basic stuff on his guitar. Now that is TALENT to be able to get him to retain this stuff.

So these are our fantastic new friends - even our dogs are friends! They have a yellow lab too and the two dogs LOVE to run and play together.

My greatest fear in this friendship? Someday they will have a baby and my guess is all this will change dramatically. Guess we'll see.