Sad tonight...

Something happened while at the super bowl party at my work tonight.  I'm not sure what.  My husband was hanging out with some people who were customers, and they seemed to be getting on famously.  They chatted for hours and then he said something that offended them.  I don't know what it was.  But they left, they had planned to stay through the game but they left around the end of the 3rd quarter and went home.  The husband came back to get a pizza they had ordered to go and I tried to apologize (even though I did not know what was said) and I tried to explain that my husband has dementia and is mentally ill.  This man was like a stone, he told me I just want my pizza and he walked out.

I went in the bathroom and cried.  And I cried on the way home (we had driven separately so husband does not know I cried).  And I'm crying now.

I don't know why this situation has me so upset, but it does.  I don't like that he hurt strangers with his words, and I don't like that they were angry with me too by association.  And I feel like maybe I'm going to have to start keeping him away from the public or expect to do a whole lot more apologizing.

Still here, still hanging on...

Marriage counseling is brutal, not sure if it is going to help or if it is going to make me want to run.  The things that are coming out are horrible, bad feelings and arguments and it just doesn't feel productive.  The therapist is just an intern, she is working on her master's and she is young and never married.  Not sure she really has any insight for us but she does try to keep things on track and not let it get too ugly.

I probably need to get my own therapist but so far I'm making do with this one, he listens well, never contradicts me and will lick away my tears to hide the evidence.

I am also spending a lot of time becoming very domesticated.  No not cleaning although I need to spend more time doing that but I have canned peaches, made quarts and quarts of tomato sauce that I canned and finally made and canned applesauce.

I am quilting up a storm, sewing is relaxing and keeps my hands busy.

I scour pintrist for projects and for the most part am fairly successful at the things I try to do but I have never had a talent at decorating cakes.  Just doesn't work out for me and I follow the instructions to a T and still I have this:

Ah well this cake is for my friend Marcia's birthday - she will appreciate the deliciousness of it even though it looks like a sad excuse for what it was supposed to be.  

So I'm soldiering on, some days  are better than others.  

Not too optimistic today...

I got rid of the "other woman" she took my email warning her to back off to heart and she blocked my husband from her facebook page.  He also sent her a message saying he couldn't talk to her "as much" uh ya think?  But she is out of the picture.

Today we start with a therapist together.  His psychologist put in the referral.  I'm not really hopeful because he tells people things like "we are going to marriage counseling and if it works, okay and if not I'm going to Ohio."  Sounds like he has no plans to work on anything.  I imagine he expects the therapist to tell me what I need to do to be a better wife and he will get to sit back and agree.  I don't think he has any idea what will actually happen in there and how bad it can be because I plan to tell the truth, THE WHOLE TRUTH and nothing but THE TRUTH.  So it will be emotional, and he will NOT be looking like any kind of saint.

The person we are meeting with is the Psych Intern for the VA not a seasoned therapist.  I don't think she is ready for us, but I guess we'll see.  It is worth a shot.

Because you matter too...

One of my husband's healthcare providers (a social worker in one of his clinics) gave me a hug on Wednesday when I sorely needed one and told me that it was because I matter too.

It's nice to hear this once in awhile, she is a great person for always noticing me and what I'm feeling.  Down is what I was feeling Wed, very down.  Her attention helped.

His illness is all consuming.  It has taken over every part of our life, my life.  He wants people to see him for who he used to be and not who he has become so he lies.  He talks to old high school friends and he lies.  He has inappropriate conversations with other women and he lies.

I know I'm here day in and day out and he can't lie to me about his illness or it's severity so he seeks others who don't know and he tries to make himself feel like he used to because they don't know or understand that he is not at all who he used to be.

The latest instance was with a friend he had from high school, a woman of course.  Some chatting got way out of hand in my opinion.  I know and understand his illness and that impulse control is nearly zero for him.  What I want to know is why she went along with it?  She is supposedly in a relationship and happy and she KNOWS he is married, happy or not you don't go there with someone else's husband, not if you have any class that is.  Maybe it's just me being pissed off, but I have spent the last 4 days writing a letter to let her know she has been played, and that I have caught her out and that I am NOT amused and wish her to just drop off the face of the earth.

Somehow not finding the nerve to push send right now.  But I will, yep I am going to tell this woman to BACK OFF my husband, or maybe I'll offer to drop him and his dirty laundry and many problems off on her doorstep, that is if she really wants him so bad?

And the bad news is....

Despite a fairly long period of no major changes in my husband's disease state it has become apparent that his MS has begun progressing again.  He had been switched from a diagnosis of Relapsing/Remitting to Secondary Progressive.  This was not unexpected and in fact the lack of major relapses has been a blessing for approx 5 years.  However he has weakened considerably in the last few months and his last neurology consult showed that he has no feeling in his right leg, he cannot differentiate between hot and cold and feels nothing when pricked with a pin.  It's a good thing we got the hand controls on his truck several months back as that leg is not very strong on reflex either.

MRI's have been scheduled and follow up visits planned.  And a chain of worrying has started in my brain.

Exercise in Futility...

My husband is negative, always negative.  He will focus on the things that piss him off rather than the good times every time.

He just got back from 8 days all expenses paid in Aspen, CO where he got to ski and kayak and scuba dive and spend time with other veterans.  I have to drag out of him the fun things he did, but he will readily tell me about the other veteran on his team who pissed him off and what a bitch he thinks she is.

If you ask him about our cruise in 2011, he will not mention the great times, the swimming with dolphins, the money he won playing poker, the great shows we saw.  Nope he won't talk about those things at all.  He will tell you about the kids who ran in front of his chair without watching where they were going and the little girl who screamed in his ear at the buffet one night.

Today we went to see a friend for lunch.  Originally it was just me and the friend but I was feeling generous and took him along.  As soon as we got there he was complaining about all the slow drivers, then as we are trying to converse he's telling her about how my brother in law (that she doesn't even know) pissed him off last night over something really ridiculously stupid.

I SNAPPED - "STOP COMPLAINING" I said "All you ever do is complain, complain, complain, you are the most negative person I know and it's driving me CRAZY"

This was of course the WRONG thing to do but everyone has their breaking point and I had reached mine.  I wanted to spend time with my friend being positive and friendly and not bitching about people she doesn't even know.

He went nuts of course, stood up and stormed out after yelling loudly at me in the restaurant that we were headed for divorce.  I called his bluff and said - "FINE file the damn papers already" and he starts to leave but goes and gets a to go container to take his food, then comes back to pack it up and we talked him into staying.  I did apologize to my friend for snapping and starting the mess. She understands and certainly doesn't blame me.  In fact she has told me many times that she could not/would not do what I'm doing.

Ever since, I'm still a bit shook up by it.  Him? He's acting like nothing ever happened.  Isn't dementia fun?

Let it go...

Promises broken...

I know that his disease really does affect his thinking.  I know he has dementia and cannot always help the things he says and the things he does.

Part of me can forgive him over and over and over for the same offenses.

Part of me dies a little inside with each new lie, each promise broken.

Part of me wishes walking away were an option.

Part of me wishes that I could make him feel just a fraction of the pain he makes me feel.

But it's a disease.  And it isn't in me to do the things he does over and over just to get even.

And it isn't in me to leave.

Today I don't like him very much at all.

And despite it all I still love him.

Do you believe in angels?

I definitely do but tonight I got to experience my guardian angel in action.  I think she came with my car.  :)  My car used to belong to my mother in law.  Very randomly and even when they are turned off my cars windshield wipers will just wave at me one time.  I always say "Hi Mom" when it happens.  I know it's a little crazy but it feels right.

Tonight I lost control of my car on a very slick hill and ran into an embankment and then bounced around doing a 180 and landing almost laying on my side in a ditch.

I unhooked my seat belt and fell into the passenger seat and then searched for my phone which had gone flying with all the impacts.  I called my husband and said "babe - I think I need a new car".

I had hit HARD and spun around and hit HARD again.  I was a little shook up but experiencing an adrenaline rush so I called Pete, called 911, then called roadside assistance for a tow truck.  I told the tow truck driver that he better bring a flat bed cause I didn't know if it was going to be able to tow on the road.

Then I sat and waited, and waited and waited.  45 minutes later the state police showed up.  He was super nice and did not give me a ticket for driving too fast for road conditions.  Several nice people had stopped to help right after it happened too, one a first responder wanted to take my vitals but I was fine.

Shocked really but I floated through that accident as if in a big bubble.  I didn't get banged up or whipped around at all.  I felt like I was wrapped in bubble wrap or packed in cotton and I know what that accident should have felt like as I've had similar ones before.

When they towed my car out of the ditch to my utter disbelief and complete AWE, the only visible damage was the front bumper loose on the edges and turned slightly down.  The entire passenger side of my vehicle had been down in a ditch up against an embankment and I hit HARD.  Not a scratch.

So far from needing a new car I might need a new bumper.  Or maybe that one just has to be put back in it's place?

I definitely believe a little more strongly in protection from angels tonight. And whether my guardian angel is my mother in law or just some poor random angel assigned to me I feel blessed.

Trying to save him from himself...

And it just gets me burned.  He resents me, yells at me, tells me to shut up.  Meanwhile he tells everyone far more than they need to know and sometimes more than they should know.  If I try to stop him to save whatever can be saved I get screamed at.

It's been a bad day.