New Friends...

So yesterday's post was about an old friend (well 5ish years) that disappointed me recently BUT today's is about a new friend that I'm coming to count on more and more.

We met about a year and a half ago at church. She's quite a bit younger than me (12 years to be exact as she shares my birthday) but we have similar interests. She really pursued me for friendship asking me to lunch, to go shopping, to hang out, and this was kind of new for me. Usually I'm the one that makes the effort. She told me she's never really had many close friends which is hard to believe as she is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, and more. Being around her made me feel my shortcomings more acutely at first until I realized that she doesn't see them. She truly likes me for me and has no expectations that I should change to be more like her (I wish I could).

Her husband grew up with a similar background to me - Christian School, Christian College, Church, Youth Group, Sheltered for sure. So we have a bit of a bond there - he's a great guy and he and my husband get along well. They talk about video games and music and sports and things guys talk about. My husband really likes him a lot which is an amazing plus. We have couple friends something that we have never really managed to do.

Having them in our lives is good for us, hopefully we are good for them too. I know that despite our lack of talent they do aspire to be more like us financially - home ownership specifically. :) Right now they rent an apartment in her parents house and it's good but they do want to buy their own place some day.

And when I say talent I mean TALENT - they have a band that is amazing and write all their own music. She is a former dancer (10 years in a company) and now has her own dance studio that she teaches classes for ages 2 to adult. She sings in the band, she plays violin, guitar, piano, she teaches voice. She draws, paints, sculpts, sews, and more. There isn't anything she can't do. Her husband is a fantastic guitarist - he is teaching my husband how to play. And he's making progress, my husband who has difficulty retaining new information is actually learning and can now read music and play some basic stuff on his guitar. Now that is TALENT to be able to get him to retain this stuff.

So these are our fantastic new friends - even our dogs are friends! They have a yellow lab too and the two dogs LOVE to run and play together.

My greatest fear in this friendship? Someday they will have a baby and my guess is all this will change dramatically. Guess we'll see.

Things that eat at me...

Trying not to be bothered - BUT - a good friend, a best friend, who said she wouldn't miss my birthday party for the world - bailed on my birthday party this past weekend. Her son had a baseball game at 3:30 (party was 4pm until ??? and food wasn't served until 6:30) and she had a hectic week so after they were just going to lay low. Well rain ensured the game was canceled so I guess they just laid low all night? Her son was also invited to the party so it wasn't about spending time with him.

The reason I'm kinda bothered is that her birthday was in April and she also threw herself a party, and I worked a double shift that day - 11:30 am until 10:30 pm and then I rushed to her party and stayed out until 2am partying with her because no matter how hectic I wouldn't miss her party.

I guess I'm finding out who loves more in this one. :( She often tells me how hectic it is being a single mom and I get it, really I do BUT I wish that I thought she understood that being married to a disabled man is no picnic and while her dependent is growing more and more independent by the day the opposite is happening to mine.

I had a great day, a great party, and I have great friends. Just found out that one I had ranked up there in the top 5 of friends maybe doesn't see me quite the same way. :( But I will get over it and forgive and hope to be a higher priority next time but won't hold my breath.

Well I've arrived...

I've joined the over forty crowd. It's not so bad, I don't feel any different, don't look any different. I find I don't mind at all. :)

I threw a party on Saturday - a rain drenched BBQ that ended up in my garage BUT it was a great time with family and friends.

And now that the preparations are over and the clean-up is getting there, I find that 40 is no different than 30. Not quite ready to say "bring on 50 though" not at all! :) I plan to enjoy this decade!

Gina dreams of running away...

Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi has always been a favorite song of mine. When I was younger I focused on the hopeful parts - "we're half way there", "we're gonna make it I swear", etc. Yesterday I heard this song and latched onto the phrase that is the title of this post.

"Gina dreams of running away, she cries in the night..."

I can relate some days, this is not the life I signed up for but running away would solve nothing.

I'm gonna make it - I swear!

The loss of a friend...

I find myself shedding a few tears at the news that a woman I have never met IRL but have known through a forum for about 12 years passed away on Monday after a 2 year battle with lung cancer. We were not close friends but long time acquaintances and part of a shared community.

She was a strong woman, life handed her a lot of setbacks and yet she never gave up. I saw her find a way to do so many things that seemed impossible, to buy a house, to get her nursing degree while being a single mom, to fight for her daughter to get the best education possible, to fight for her son to get the help he needed for bipolar disorder. And finally she spent 2 years fighting the cancer that finally took her life. She was a non-smoker who was diagnosed with lung cancer and she fought bravely to live and to educate others that sometimes you cannot avoid lung cancer and not to assume you are safe if you don't smoke.

I know some would find it odd that hearing of her passing would make me cry since I really did not know her, but this virtual world that we live in these days allows us to know people we would never have known otherwise. I love these virtual friends and the input they have had on my life.

At the same time I am thrilled that another forum/blog friend who I have known for more than 10 years and I may finally meet IRL next month. I'll save that for another post as it is a much happier subject but the point is a friend is a friend even if you've never met face to face, you can laugh with them, cry with them, and mourn their loss. Today I am mourning Laurie.

Giving up...

One of the things that drives me nuts is that my husband gives up on things too easily. A recent example of this is bowling.

He used to be very good at bowling, he had this sort of running approach, where he threw the ball so it just skimmed the right gutter and then hooked back in to make a killer strike much of the time. The MS has taken many things from him, he no longer has the strength or stability in his legs to even attempt to throw the ball this way. So for years he has just not bothered to bowl.

Last Saturday night one of our dear friends had a bowling birthday party for herself - it was great fun. We got there very late as I was working at the restaurant but to my surprise my husband wanted to bowl. (and to my disgust he had gone out that day and bought new bowling shoes cause he couldn't find his old ones - more on that later)

As I said we got there late - he got added to one of the lanes but they shut us down before he got to bowl more than 3 frames (yeah $50 shoes for 3 frames of bowling). For those 3 frames he attempted to use his old approach style and nearly fell over, he threw gutter balls, he was mortified. I think he was glad the game got called early.

So the next day we are out and decide to eat lunch at our local bowling alley - I suggest we should try to bowl a few games where he has no audience and can work on adapting his methods to bowl without using his legs so heavily. He was discouraged, got nasty with me when I made suggestions because I suck at bowling and who am I to tell him what to do, etc.

I think he needs to walk up to the line, and learn to use his arms and upper body to throw the ball, probably can't do the crazy hook thing and just throw it straight into the pocket. He keeps trying to throw the crazy hook and at least 50% of the time he lands it in the gutter.

I say that someone who hasn't bowled in 15 years MS or not can't expect to pick right up where he left off. Yeah that didn't go over well either.

So I doubt he'll go do it again, even though I think he could learn how to bowl well again if he would just try to adapt. He is discouraged because he sucked and probably won't try again.

Which leads me to - he knew he can hardly walk and would probably suck at it - and he couldn't just wear rental shoes for one night? REALLY? I mean we're broke and he spends $50 on shoes he wore for a grand total of an hour and it looks like he'll never try again.

The whole darned thing annoys me. GRRRR

trying to heal the brokenness inside...

I heard this song for the first time yesterday:



I cried.

Then I came home and was filing my unemployment claim for the week and realized that I don't fall into all that emergency UI that others get for up to 99 weeks. 46 weeks is it for me, unless they make further extensions I will be done with unemployment in the end of May. I'm terrified - what will I do after that?

I suppose getting a job is the obvious choice, but then how will my husband get to his VA appointments? Who will make sure he's eating lunch, not doing crazy things? The bottom line is I just don't want to go back to full time work but unless one or both of my husbands open claims gets settled in his favor we cannot possibly afford for me to not work full time. :( The idea of going back to my career is not exciting, it's terrifying. I just don't want to do it anymore, don't want to get up early and drive to a job that I just have no passion for. Let's face it I don't have passion for anything right now.

I need to do something to try and heal this brokenness inside me, and yet I don't know where to start.

Spring is here...

The weather outside is beautiful, getting warmer heading toward a killer weekend. It's Easter weekend and we have no plans, nothing to do with anyone, family is all out of town. Not sure what we'll do - I'd say relax but we've been doing a bit too much of that lately.

Maybe we'll go out to dinner and take in a museum or a movie or something.

In other news still have not completed my taxes. I just don't feel up to it and I now have 14 days left to finish. I am getting a rather large refund, but I can't spend it - it has to go to the roof.

I am still addicted to WoW and playing regularly- up to level 50 on my main character.

I found out a friend of mine got a job that I was heavily recruited for. Makes me think it could have been mine if only I'd just snapped my fingers. Problem was it's an hour and 20 drive and I just DON'T want to go that far to then work 50 hours a week on top of it so I declined to interview. Good for her, I should be happy for her. I'm having a hard time mustering the happiness.

I bought a choker collar for my dog - I will teach him to walk on a leash like a properly trained dog if it kills both of us. So far he's getting it much faster now. Tip for dog training: teach them to walk nice on a leash before they weigh 110 pounds!

That's about it - just kinda blah even though the weather is turning around. Need to try and work on that.

Le Meow...

This is Felix - thankfully he is a sweet, cuddly and forgiving cat. We were bored on Monday and I found a Sharpie. Nuff said.

Mustache is already gone today, he furiously washed his face all night I think? :)

I've really been neglecting my blog

I must admit internet I have a new addiction. Something that takes me out of the world I live in for a few hours at a time and immerses me in a whole different world. A world where I get to be totally badass and blast the living daylights out of things that get in my way. I tell you it is super satisfying to just take down the monsters one by one. I wish it was that easy in real life to just eliminate the monsters.

My new addiction? World of Warcraft

Really...

I know, who would have ever thought it? I certainly never had any interest in role player games before. The idea of sitting at a computer for hours playing a game where I shoot things and kill then certainly never appealed before.

I started playing for my husband. He started playing and wanted me to play with him. So I took the 10 day free trial offer and at first I really wasn't that into it. Then I played some more, and some more. Now I am more into than he is. I am higher level than he is. My character can kick his character's ass! WOOT - but mostly I play with him and help him with his tasks.

Totally not my thing, I've never been a gamer, but I guess I am now?

The downside to all this - the only reason I am higher level and needing to help my husband in this game is because the MS has taken this away from him. He was the gamer, always playing things like Diablo or Half Life, etc. He was good at it. Not anymore. He can't follow the maps, he gets lost, he gets confused, he gets frustrated. He needs me to play with him. I enjoy playing on my own much more - with other friends and people who don't get lost, frustrated and aren't in the next room screaming at me to help them. I kinda wish he'd give up on it since it's so frustrating for him. But I don't think I can give up - not yet anyway.

So dear internet - this is where I have been. Running around disguised as a troll in a fantasy world for hours every day.