Betrayal Hurts...

Even when it comes from people who are not especially important to you.

A girl I have worked with for the past 2 years who I considered at least a friend/acquaintance  got herself into some trouble with the boss and ended up quitting to be dramatic but the boss wouldn't let her back out of it so she is truly done.  In her final scenes at the restaurant she threw everyone she ever worked with under the bus in a pathetic attempt to prove the place could not survive without her.

After 2 years of being nice to my face it's interesting to hear what she had been saying behind my back and how she hates me most of all.  Nice.

She's only 21 and has a ton of growing up to do, and I really don't care what she thinks of me (I could be her mother) but still a little disconcerting to find out how two faced she really is.

Ah well at least my workplace is now drama free and I have more hours each week to pad my paychecks.

Basking in the Glow

The cruise was fantastic - best vacation I have EVER had.  It had just the perfect mix of fun, new friends, sun, sand, new experiences, relaxation and peace.

Pete and I enjoyed ourselves very much and made some new friends we will stay in touch with and may cruise with again!

We saw fantastic comedy shows by Second City and comedian Bud Anderson and the comedy hypnotist Brenda Kaye.  I laughed more in the 7 days on the ship than in the year leading up to it I think.

I participated in a group hypnosis session on the last day that was the single most relaxing thing I've ever experienced.  I bought the CD because it felt so amazing and the subject is Weight Management and immediately I started finding it much easier to make healthy and good choices, can't beat that.

Back home I'm finding myself with renewed energy and renewed resolve to make it happen for me.  And happily I did not come home with a single extra pound from the cruise (just the ones I took on with me to start with) despite everyone's warning that a cruise add's 10 pounds.

I'll leave you with some photos from our experience that make me smile and hopefully you will too:

Reality Check...

It's time for me to get serious about something, my health, my business, my life?  Well the business is growing slowly but surely, my life seems to be a lost cause most days, but my health I can do something about.  I have been in limbo here for years.  Hanging out at the same (over) weight for years.  Doctor says "glad you're not gaining BUT..." and I take a bunch of maintenance meds that I'd rather not have to take.

Recently my parents decided enough is enough and went on a diet and exercise life change routine.  They both look great!  Having lost 50-60lbs each they are both in the normal weight  range for their age and height and have both stopped taking many meds.  My mom's diabetes is well controlled for the first time in years and my dad is only taking allergy pills these days all the others have stopped.

Alternately a very dear friend who is 3 years younger than me is giving up on doing this the healthy right way and is having gastric bypass surgery tomorrow.  I can't say I haven't considered this option BUT I know that my problem is NOT a slow metabolism it is LAZINESS and bad eating habits.  Would having surgery help me lose weight?  Probably yes, BUT could I do it without?  YES I CAN. The thing that worries me about my friend is she has been prone to binge eating and I worry that something will set her off and if she binges with her new tiny pouch she could do some serious damage.  But I am hopeful that her psychiatric treatment has addressed that issue before clearing her for this surgery?

Anyway - if my 61 and 64 year old parents can lose 50+ pounds in 6 months I am guessing that I could do the same if only I put my mind to it.

So working on making better choices.  Getting in 30 minutes of exercise daily (to start) and will see where that goes.  I'm tired of maintaining the status quo - tired of taking pills for blood pressure and acid reflux, tired of the threat of diabetes lingering right in front of me.

So excuse me - just ate my Healthy Choice lunch and about to step on the Gazelle and watch some Ally McBeal on my ROKU while moving my posterior.  It's beyond time.   

Two weeks until my first real vacation in FOREVER...

I will be traveling by bus from Albany to here:

Then I will be boarding this:

By Monday afternoon we will be rounding South Carolina and hitting warmer weather and warmer water and I can break out my summer clothes again.  Then on Tuesday I will be spending the afternoon/evening here:

Then we sail again and on Wednesday we will be here:

And on Thursday we will spend the day here:

Where we will be swimming with these lovelies: 

And Friday which will be our 11th anniversary we will be spending the day at sea and I plan to spend some quality time here: 

All in all I am so excited I can hardly stand it!  I'm going on a cruise!  Woohoo! 

My latest endeavour...

I signed up to be an Independent Consultant for Scentsy - they make these great scented wax warmers that melt the wax based on the heat of a light bulb, the was is specially made to have a low melt temperature so it is safe to have in the home, you could pour the liquid was on your skin and it would not burn you.  The warmers are gorgeous - the one below is called Jane and is one of may very favorite warmers.  The melted wax creates a layer of fragrance that can cover a very large room without being overwhelming and with over 80 fragrances to choose from we have something for everyone.  

The opportunity is good, no crazy promises of BMW's or Mercede's free to you BUT if you work hard there is a decent profit in it for you.  The initial start up cost is under $100 plus tax and shipping, it cost $117 for me to get started and so far I'm having fun and loving my Scentsy.  

Anyone interested in buying, hosting or joining let me know here pladesigns.scentsy.us and you don't have to live near me to have a basket party.  I will ship you a bag of mini testers with all 80+ scents and catalogs and order forms that you can share with your friends.  

I hope you love this stuff as much as I do. 

Wasting my education...

I know many people think I'm wasting my education and my talents by working part time as a waitress.  I know my husband really thinks I should be making use of my master's degree and making a boatload of money.  And yet I am happy not having a "career" right now.  I'm able to make some money, visit with people while they are out having a good time, and available to take him to appointments and go camping and take a 7 day cruise.  I'm able to stay up late and sleep in.  To mow the lawn on Monday morning (after sleeping in of course) rather than getting up at the crack of dawn and driving an hour or more to a stress filled day.

Granted I need to do more with my life - I'm working on getting my home based marketing consulting business going.  And yet ambitious I am not, not at all.

It's weird, so not where I envisioned myself when I was working hard to earn that MBA and now that it is just a very expensive piece of paper framed on my wall, I still know that it was a great thing for me at the time and that I have no desire to take on the kind of long hours, high stress job that come with the title of MBA.

I'm perfectly fine being called "waitress" and I don't mind hearing "miss, could I have more coffee?"  With it comes more serenity than I ever imagined possible.

Fall has arrived...

And I am NOT happy about it.  It's cold out there and I want more summer.  :(  August was a weird month, only hot the first weekend, wet and rainy, temps in the 70's, not at all like August.  I never got into my swimming pool ONCE in August and I'm so bummed.  Now it is downright freezing - frost warning overnight and temps around 40 when I woke up.  I have to close my pool and that depresses me to no end.  :(

The upside to fall is I probably only have to mow a few more times as the cold nights stop the grass from growing and once we have a real frost it will be done for good. 

Time to get into fall mode I guess, sweaters, jeans, boots, apple picking, leaves changing, bonfires, I guess I can do this. 

My baby is growing up!

This is Max - 2 weeks ago when he had just come home from being neutered at 6 months old. My tiny little boy is now 60lbs and no longer a "real boy"!  LOL  

Realized it's been awhile since I've posted, been very negligent of this blog.  Time to change that - so many things to do now that fall is here. 

So I blacked out the other day..

Was in a doctor's office when it happened, not my doctor. My MIL's doctor. Not sure why or what happened but was standing near my MIL as he was asking her questions and checking her when I started to feel funny, then dizzy and then I decided I had to sit down and the floor was my only option so I sat.

At this point the doctor notices and asks if I'm okay I say I feel dizzy and just need to sit. Then I'm feeling queasy and both hot and cold and the black starts to creep in from the edges. I am seeing in a small tunnel in front of me and sounds are muffled and then black until something horrible is shoved under my nose (ammonia) and I start to come back out of it.

No idea why this happened. My MIL said I was white as a sheet. Her doctor had me lay back and put a cold wet cloth on my head. Within 5 minutes I was fine.

The thing I find odd is I passed out in a doctor's office and they didn't do a damn thing about finding out why? Didn't take my blood pressure or listen to my heart. Asked if I had eaten (I had) and didn't take a blood sugar to see what caused it. Now granted I was not his patient and not there to see him but don't you think he should have done more? I would have gladly turned over my insurance card if he wanted to bill it.

At the time I didn't think about it much but my sister was incensed that they did nothing to figure out why I just keeled over like that.

Anyway I see my own doctor in a week and a half for a regular appt. Will be getting bloodwork done next week first. Will be sure to mention it to her and nothing has happened like that since.

Right before it happened my MIL had been showing her doctor a sore on her leg that was about the size of a quarter and all black and blue. I am not at all uneasy about stuff like that. I had seen the same sore earlier that day when she changed the bandage. I have seen MUCH worse things. Blood does not gross me out. I think her doctor did not believe me and figured I just passed out at the sight of blood. It definitely was NOT that.

Oh well - no problems since and felt fine to drive my MIL back home after the appt. Very strange feeling though.

Week 2 of Unemployment...

The living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom are clean! I'm catching up on laundry, I'm doing maintenance on these rooms daily in an effort to keep them clean. It's time to tackle the most cluttered room in my house, the one I'm embarrassed of, the one I don't want anyone to see. Well in the interest of being honest I am going to show you this room. Consider these "before" pictures and I hope to get some after shots SOON!

This is the spare bedroom, where I keep all my clothes and my office is here. As you can see working or relaxing in here is impossible - but not for long.

Now not tackling this all in one day but doing a bit at a time until I've cleared it out. I will post after pictures. This room is where stuff goes to die, and it's time to get rid of a ton of that stuff. :)

Strange Dreams...

I had the oddest dream last night. I was older and Pete was not there and I was sad about it. In my dream I was marrying a much older man, someone who was very wealthy and I was terrified because he was announcing our engagement to his children who were both older than me and not likely to take the news very well.

Just as he was starting to introduce me to them the doorbell rang and I sat bolt upright in bed. I'm still not sure if the doorbell was in my dream or my actual doorbell? The dogs didn't bark which makes me think it was just part of the bizarre dream.

Why is it when I remember my dreams it's because I found them so disturbing?

More drugs please...

Another VA trip today - another drug increase. Please drugs -make him happier.

Unemployment, Sweet Unemployment...

So I didn't have to make the choice to walk away from the job that was so bad for me. I got laid off and now I can collect unemployment while I figure out my next steps! I'm thrilled to be unemployed! LOL

I have already met with 2 new clients who need help with Website Design and Social Media Marketing, and one hired me for 10 hours a month, the other we need to finalize details. The restaurant I worked at for 2 years is opening up again very soon and I will be doing her web and social media marketing as well as waiting tables occasionally, life is good.

It's coming together, the reinvention is underway!

Reinventing myself once again...

Time for a change. Job clearly didn't happen. Stuck in a bad place for me and it's time to get unstuck.

So here goes nothing - I'm reviving my Design Firm - graphic design, websites, shopping carts, social media marketing, blogs, and more!

And come September I plan to be enrolled in a Post Baccalaureate Teacher Certification Program that will allow me to become certified to teach in New York State - this will be paid for courtesy of the VA thanks to my husband's 100% disabled status.

I will take whatever shifts I can from the restaurant, and scrounge for business however possible for my design firm. I will no longer be selling advertising - now to get up my nerve to make the jump.

The Waiting Game

It sucks.

Interview on Tuesday - she basically told me I made the cut for 2nd interview and yet Wed-Fri - no call to set it up. :(

Now I'm wondering did I screw something up at the end there? I sent thank you notes to both the interviewers. I reaffirmed my interest in the position and what I could bring to the role.

I kicked ass to be blunt.

Why haven't I gotten a phone call? Will they call on Monday for Tuesday appts? Seems kind of late.

I. HATE. WAITING!

Cautiously Optimistic...

I had an interview today. It went great, they brought in 8 people and are narrowing it down to 2 for 2nd interview's next week. As I was leaving she told me she'd be seeing me next week. Yippee, final 2.

I want to get this job in the worst possible way. I need it!

He tried to quit smoking again...

Remember Florida? 4 days of hell thanks to him "trying" to quit? Yeah he's doing it again. Been a total bear for 3 days and today he buys a pack and gives up after absolutely torturing me.

I'm going to sneak patches on him while he's sleeping I think.

Bad Morning...

The husband woke up around 5am to go to the bathroom.

He didn't wake me up BUT he woke Max up. Now Max is whining to go out. I ignore him.

At 5:30 I can't ignore anymore and get up to take him outside. He is out there for 10 minutes and I think he's done his business so I let him back in.

I realize he had an accident in his crate so I'm cleaning that up when he disappears into my office. I run to him to find him taking a dump on the floor. I yell NOOOO and pick him up and carry him outside to the kennel where I leave him.

Back inside to clean up the deposit in my office and to finish cleaning the crate. (All before 6am)

Look outside to find Max sitting on the deck looking in the window. The little shit got out of the kennel somehow.

I'm perplexed - he can't go underneath in any spot (concrete pavers) so how did he get out? I find a spot where the wire is separated just enough for a 24 pound dog to wiggle through.

He's back inside in his now clean crate and I need to find some wire to go fix the kennel before I take a shower and go to work. What a start to my day.

Oh and the husband who woke up at 5am to use the bathroom that started this chain of events? Yeah he's sleeping soundly. Lucky bum.

I really wish I could go back to bed and just start over.

So what do you do....

When you are semi-depressed and tired of being stuck at home because you don't have time to go anywhere good and even if you do take an overnight you will have to pay hundreds of dollars and find someone to take care of your dogs?

Well we found a way to weekend for much less money (eventually - obviously start up costs are steep on this endeavour) and take the dogs with us. We bought a small camper. We started out looking at pop-ups but really they were too much like tent camping to me - sure off the ground but lots of tent to be cold and damp and wet if it was raining. Then we saw this:

And we wondered - can our truck pull this beauty? So we asked and as it turns out yes, yes it can! We looked at several models - some with slide outs that gave a bit of floor room but that were several feet shorter overall, we decided on the 24' with no slide out and can't wait to hit the road on June 3rd for our first camping trip.

This is the view from the entrance looking toward the front of the trailer.

This is standing by the bed and looking toward the entrance.

It is perfect for 2 people and has plenty of floor sleeping room for 2 big dogs. We can't wait to hit the road with it and give it a try.

Random Ramblings...

So finally got around to getting a quote from USAA and they will save us $500 annually - WOW. Guess I better make the switch soon. I hate to ditch my State Farm Agent who has been so great but seriously that is a lot of money to waste. I know it will be even more once I switch my homeowners too which I definitely will do.

Just more things that I have to take care of when I'm already stretched thin, but onward and upward.

Oh and speaking of stretched thin - I do wish that was the truth physically, if the result of all this stress was me looking thin I'd be happier I think. Instead it actually makes me fatter as I just can't think about dieting right now it might send me off the deep end.

I should be working already and I have been a bit but mostly I'm procrastinating. That has to stop. Must be on the road and selling in 40 minutes.

I applied for a job that I really want. Close to home, great salary, state benefits, retirement plan, etc. If I get it the husband has agreed we can stay here in NY indefinitely and build our new home much closer to the VA Hospital but still within an hour of my family. That is huge. The deadline for applications was Monday - so hoping I get a call or an email to schedule an interview before the week is out. I really, really, really want this job. It uses my experience and my education, I would be perfect for it really. If I don't get an interview I will think this process was rigged. So for now I'm gearing myself up to WOW when I get the interview.

I got my pool opened - now if only the water was warmer than 60 degrees and it would stop raining non-stop. Hoping to swim by memorial day - PRAYING really. :)

And that is the end of my rambling this AM - no more procrastinating - time to hit the road.

Lead me...

Show me you're willing to fight,

that I'm still the love of your life...

I know we call this our home

But I still feel alone.

If only...

This song makes me sad - I am tired of having to be the strong one and yet that will never change for me. NEVER! :(

My new love...

It's a boy, 11 weeks old, 25 lbs. Cute as can be. He needs a name, so far some contenders are Jackson, Tristan, Indiana (as in Jones), Luke, and we are looking for more suggestions - so far nothing really fits him. Naming Xavier took us 5 minutes and we both loved it and agreed, but this pup is not so easy. Many have suggested Max, it could be an option too.

p.s. we decided on Max and he already comes to this - he is a great pup. I <3 him so much.

Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF...

Mark 12:30-31 (NIV)

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these."

The Bible tells us that the greatest commandments have to do with love. 1st to love God with all your heart, soul and mind. 2nd to love your neighbor as yourself.

But can you love anyone if you don't really love yourself? I started thinking on this, what does it mean to love yourself? Certainly it does not relate to being selfish or self centered but perhaps to just respecting yourself and treating yourself as least as good as you treat others? I don't know about you but I treat myself worse than I would treat anyone else. I eat crap, I deprive myself of sleep, I force myself to go to a job I hate every day, I allow myself to be less than my best.

It's time to start learning how to love myself that I might love others as I should. This is going to be a big task.

What if...

I have cried rivers of tears in the past year. I have wondered if anything would ever be right again. I have questioned my life, my choices, my faith, my God...

And I heard this song a few weeks ago, and it made the tears start rolling again but for a different reason. I have cried a river that I thought would drown me but somehow I have come out on the other side - stronger, happier, at peace.

And those prayers - they are being answered slowly but surely. And I think maybe a thousand sleepless nights is exactly what it took to change the only thing that I could ever really hope to change - me.

I hope the song moves you as it has moved me.

Blessings... Laura Story

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

It's not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

I've been neglectful...

I have not written here in well over a month. For me this place is to pour out the things I cannot say elsewhere, to complain, to moan, to cry. Well lately things have been better. The spring is sort of here, it's still cold but the hours of daylight gets more each day and that helps me greatly. My husband has been making an effort and our relationship is on the mend. My job is picking up and while I still don't like the job it is a bit less soul sucking these days. So I haven't had much to say.

My husband planned a cruise for our anniversary in November. It's very exciting. :) We are taking a 7 day Bahama's Cruise on Norwegian Cruise Line out of NYC and will be on the boat for our 11th anniversary on 11/11/11.

In other news - not much is happening - looking forward to opening the pool and getting things moving along toward summer. Many things to do - spring cleaning - yard clean-up (a whole winter's worth of dog POO), flower bed clean-up. Before you know it I'll be mowing again and planting those flower beds.

I have a dream... some hope...

So my current job is sucking the life out of me I make 25-30 sales calls per day and get rejected face to face 95% of the time. It makes it hard to face the next stop and the next inevitable rejection. I was not cut out for sales. I know that and I knew it when I took the job BUT I had hoped I could make a go of it, that age and maturity would allow me to handle it better than the last time I did sales (1992) but no, I really can't force the motivation needed to really succeed at this horrible job. I dread every day, I don't put anywhere near my all into it and despite pep talks every day that I give myself I sometimes find myself sitting in the car just wanting to cry rather than go into the next rejection site.

So I had an epiphany yesterday. There is a very successful roadside restaurant/ice cream stand about 4 miles from my home. The people who own this rent it out as their business is the apple orchard and country store right next to it and they don't want to run a restaurant too. One of their son's built and opened this years ago but then lost interest and so for the past 4 years it has been rented to two different individuals. The first ran a great business there BUT had personality conflicts with the owners and eventually they just couldn't manage it anymore and parted ways. Then last summer they rented it to some carny folk. They thought it would be okay and at first it was BUT they ended up having major issues with food quality and cleanliness and they threw these people out.

So it sits empty and normally this place is open from April - October. I wondered if they had anyone to run it this summer and so today I went in and inquired. They do not. They were so burned by the last two renters that they were planning to just let it sit empty this summer. That would be a huge shame. These people have known me since I was in diapers. They know my parents. They know what kind of people we are (clean, hard working, honest) and I think that I may be able to talk them into renting it to me.

If they do I could quit my soul sucking job in April and instead be in charge of my own destiny for the first time. It would allow me to dip my foot into the world of restaurant ownership and see if this is something I really would want to do (I've dreamed of it for years) and I think it could be hugely profitable. This place is on a major thoroughfare to Cooperstown and gets tons of summer traffic. It also had a ton of local business that would come back if I advertise new management (and I will).

I would keep the menu simple - burgers, dogs, fried stuff (chicken, fish, fries, other snacks) maybe some salads and wraps. And ice cream - fantastically fattening and delicious ice cream!

I will be talking to the manager this week (talked to her dad who is semi retired today) and hopefully we can come to some sort of arrangement. I am very hopeful. I am envisioning hiring my youth group kids to work for me and what a great place we could have there. I'm liking the idea of maybe only working April to October but if needed during the off season I could find a job somewhere else waiting tables or working in a store. I have health insurance from the VA and don't need benefits so that is covered.

I'm feeling hopeful for the first time since October, it's good.

Vacation...

I wanted to take a cruise - but the airfare and the time needed wouldn't really allow us to do that now thanks to me not having any real time off from my job. So I figured we would do the next best thing. I got us direct flights to and from Orlando and booked us a fabulous resort hotel with so many things to do there we almost wouldn't need to leave the resort.

4 nights - 3 full days - and I wanted to relax and enjoy.

But the weather is not going to be nice enough to spend days by the pool. And my husband cannot sit still and just relax for 5 minutes much less 3 days. And since we are not confined to a ship my relaxing vacation which had turned into 1 day of relaxing and 2 days of theme parks is now 3 full days of theme parks - go - go - go - go - go - go.

No staying in bed til noon, sitting in the hot tub and laying by the pool or floating around on the lazy river. Nope - probably won't get to do any of that at all because every minute of every day is going to be jam packed with activity. When I get home on Tuesday night I will have had very little relaxation, and probably very little time to talk and work on our marriage which was really the only reason I agreed to a vacation anyway.

And 3 days of theme parks will cost an additional $500 at least I'm sure.

Yep - relaxing is out the window.

What really matters?

I am reposting this from a blog I discovered today and will now be stalking - Ben Does Life.

The original can be found here ---> In the end, only two things matter...

How often did you laugh, and how often did you make others laugh?

It’s been said thousands of times, but it bears repeating. Do things not to make the most money or to make yourself look good. Do the things that are going to make you happy and, hopefully, help others along the way.

Do something big.

Do something crazy.

Do something because your ex-boyfriend hated it every time you did it.

Watch more movies.

Read more books.

Get inspired.

Fall in love.

Get your heart smashed and become a better person for it.

Be nice to that kid that everyone is always mean to.

Send a nice email.

Quit your cubicle job and start a restaurant.

Book a flight to Las Vegas and go alone.

Take a lot of pictures when you’re there.

Because nothing really matters. Not your blog, not your job, not your Facebook status, not your training plan, and not your mother-in-law.

Do your thing. Be happy and smile.

Everything is going to be okay.

----------------------------------------------------------

Here is Ben's story - he is inspiring to me...

Dreaming of escape

Is it wrong to dream of a place with just me and the animals, of peace and quiet, of no one to call me stupid, or expect me to read their mind? Is it wrong to think of starting over and yearning for a chance to just put all this behind me? Is it wrong to wish that I could just be alone with no one to bother me, to interfere, to harrass?

I wonder if the dog and the cats could come to the loony bin with me? Padded cell for 4 please.

Deal Breakers...

What do you consider a deal breaker?

• In a friendship?
• A romantic relationship?
• A marriage?
  

To me it all comes down to promises kept. If you promise to do something for someone you do it. If you promise you won't do something because you know you shouldn't and they asked you not to you don't do it.

Recently my husband made some promises to me in an effort to recover what we once had. He does not want to keep his end of the bargain now, says he didn't realize what he was promising. But to me not keeping these promises is a deal breaker and I'm ready to walk.

I feel like a bitch if I put it out there like that and yet this is how I feel. Do what you said you would, keep your promises or I will no longer feel bound to keep mine.

Turns out...

That my lack of energy and illness is not just from the cold I caught - saw the doctor today and he wondered why I've never really been tested for asthma considering my chart and how often I have this bronchial trouble. So he gave me a peak flow meter and I was blowing less than 1/3 what I should. So he gave me a nebulizer treatment in the office and then it was slightly better more like 1/2 what I should. He sent me home with Advair, Prednisone and some good Hydrocodone Cough Syrup to quell the coughing. He thinks I'll be feeling much better in 3-4 days and gave me 2 weeks of Advair in sample packs and then wants me to come back to see him. He also sent me home with the peak flow meter and wants me to jot down some numbers to see how much improvement I get.

I have had rescue inhalers before when ill but I hate them - they make me choke - I just cannot inhale - I am no pot head that is for sure I could never inhale so what is the point. LOL Anyway the Advair inhaler is not aerosol you just inhale it using the force of your lungs and it doesn't make me want to die like the other one.

He may keep me on it long term - he calls my combination of asthma symptoms and chronic bronchitis COPD or Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder - oh yay same illness class as emphysema. All these years of NEVER smoking and my lungs are still compromised thanks to years of second hand smoke I'm sure.

Anyway hoping that the improvement in lung function may also help show improvement in my attitude and energy level.

Apathy is no friend of mine...

I am so apathetic these days, and part of it is this cold, snowy winter but it seems like more than that. I think I am probably depressed, well duh some of you say, but seriously I have never had this problem where I couldn't just force myself to snap out of it.

I am still trying to snap out of it but failing and that seems to make the problem worse. I am also sick again. I had bronchitis the first week of the year and spent 10 days on Augmentin and thought I was mostly over it. But I went on a trip with my youth group that meant 7.5 hours on the bus to DC and then 10 hours mostly outside in the cold (about 19) and then another 7.5 hours on the bus back home. During this time I slept about 90 minutes in 30 minute increments. I left home at 8:30 on Sunday night and arrived home again at 2:30 in the morning on Tuesday and crashed HARD.

My husband also has bronchitis and a sinus infection that he picked up skiing in New Hampshire. He brought it home to me. I don't think I have another infection - coughing is not productive and mostly annoying. But I will try to hit the doctor in the morning and would like an inhaler or a nebulizer and some narcotic cough syrup. That and a weekend of sleeping should help.

And just praying that once I get my health back that the depression and the apathy might finally go away?

Why is it men are such babies about colds?

Why can they break bones and act like it's nothing and then turn into a whining, cranky child because of a cold?

2 weeks ago I had bronchitis, taking heavy duty antibiotics and narcotic cough syrups to survive day to day and I managed to still go to work most of the time and while I wasn't great company I wasn't grouchy and mean.

He has a cold - a bit of a cough, stuffy nose, and he's Mr. Crabby Pants! Seriously. I am still coughing from the bronchitis from the 1st week of January and I am dealing.

He is driving me crazy. GRRRR

Just wishing for life to be easier all around...

The job is a job, the weather is depressing, the status of my marriage is still in limbo land, we are trying but there is a lot to overcome and I feel like he's not trying as hard as he should. Overall I am just feeling blah.

Husband tells me to quit my job - we probably COULD afford it but where does that leave me if this relationship rescue goes south? With no income and totally dependent on him? I'm not ready for that.

Husband wants to go on a vacation - we definitely can afford it but I don't have any time at work. He wants me to ask for unpaid time and frankly while they would probably give it to me I have to wonder what makes me entitled when no one else is? I'm not asking for unpaid time to take care of a medical issue, or a child, I'd be asking for unpaid time to go on a cruise, or to the beach. I just don't know if I can ask for that, feels weird. :(

I want the husband to take me seriously, to really do what he said he would do and stop pushing limits. I want him to realize that this is our last chance and not think I'll cave and give in like I have a hundred times before if he blows it off this time.

I want to be happy, desperately happy, I want it more than anything and it feels so far out of my grasp.

You Are More...

My favorite new song and it has a great message for me!

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create...

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

~Tenth Avenue North

Slow start to 2011

Still hopeful, still hanging in there, but expecting miracles end with disappointment. People don't change overnight and sometimes they don't change at all. We however are changing, very slowly, but the old hurts are still there and trust doesn't come back overnight.

We have a lot of people praying for us, that has to be helping.

And there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last...

After a very long and hard few years filled with anger and resentment, filled with fear and rejection and growing further and further apart. With fears of losing my sanity, fears that perhaps the man I loved was really gone and the angry man in his place was who I was going to be stuck with forever - I now have hope.

The hot mess that was my life reached a crisis point on Thursday night. I just couldn't take much more and so I laid it all out there. I bared my soul to him, to the man I still love desperately despite all of these things that have been so bad. I told him that something had to change, that we were so far apart and both so miserable. I told him I thought "we" were worth fighting for and that I wanted to save our marriage, to fall in love with each other all over again, to work for it.

He is not here - he is 650 miles away from here and I sent this desperate and lonely plea out over the interwebz to him and then waited to see what he said. I figured at this point it was 50/50 whether he came back to me or we just said let's give this up before we both go insane.

Well he came back to me. We have talked, shared, opened up, bared souls. And today starting 2011 I can honestly say this is the first year in a long time that I really do believe that this year will be better than the last.

And since total honestly and open communication is what we are working for it's time I give my husband the URL to this blog. I don't know if he will read it, my online diary of love, fear and pain since 2008 but I have to tell him it's here and just let the chips fall where they may.

And Pete - I hope that when (if) you read some of the things here you will see me the real me and know that with some of the postings I was very hurt and yet through it all I have loved you.