Sunday, January 6, 2008

Unhappily ever after in New York

I have to say I've been miserable lately.

I started a new job in October and it is a great opportunity and yet every day I just feel like maybe I've made a mistake and this job is really not the one for me. Things are starting to get better and the money is good that much is for sure but I miss the creative side of my old job. Then last week they announced that the company was being sold to a California based marketing/advertising company. Maybe that will be good as I could get back to the creative side some day?

On the home front - my husband has multiple sclerosis - this is not new news - he's know for over 10 years. He is however getting worse by the day. He can hardly walk these days he is so unsteady. Add to that he is depressed - he is on medication for it but its not enough. He is dragging me down. He hates New York, says he wishes we hadn't moved here, blames me for bringing him here. I went off on him tonight - I LOVED Cincinnati, I had friends in Cincinnati, I had job prospects in Cincinnati, our house cost 1/2 as much in Cincinnati, taxes were lower, utilities were lower, things were closer and more convenient. I LOVED CINCINNATI - he hated it. He whined, he complained, he hated Cincinnati, he wanted to leave, he wanted to move somewhere else ANYWHERE else. He had no ideas so I brought him home to NY. Now he hates it here and it's my fault? I don't freaking think so!

So tonight we went to the movies, had a nice time and get into this conversation about our relationship. I say things turned out okay right? He says I guess? I say - well would you rather be alone. The assh0le says "well if I was alone I wouldn't be stuck here in NY" so he would rather be alone than here with me? really? then he can't understand why I'm crying - because he's a moron I guess. He starts joking and trying to make me laugh instead of cry instead of just saying the words that would make me feel better. He did kiss up and really try to make me feel better but he can't just say it.

I don't know what to do about his misery over NY. I am the primary breadwinner here and I just changed jobs in October at his urging so it's not like I can get a job in Ohio and move us back there where he wants to be. His depression is spilling over to me and I'm more miserable these days than I can ever remember being.

So how is that for an opening blog? My optimisim seems to be lost.

1 comment:

verybadcat said...

Wow, babe, that's tough. On one hand, I don't know if there is much you can do about him not liking NY. On the other hand, you made the decision together, and there may be some things you can talk to him about that will help.

My Dad never adjusted to Atlanta when we moved from up North. It was because he never acclimated himself. I had a really hard time and even a bit of depression when we moved to Asheville. He really has to make an effort to make friends, find places he likes to go, to really get invested in the area. Maybe his MS is limiting his ability to do this, and that's the root of the problem.

I think that what he said that sounded so harsh, about being alone, was only meant to give you the total depth and breadth of his unhappiness overall. He realized after the fact that it was awfully strong, and maybe not the best way to phrase what he really meant- that he's coming out of his skin with misery.

In the end, though, his happiness is mostly his responsibility. You can lead a horse to water....