My favorite Christmas Song

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I have always loved this song and all versions of it but Robert Downey Jr. singing it from Ally McBeal is probably my favorite. Couldn't find the whole song online but have it on my ipod and this time of year I play it over and over.

I wish...

All about meme...

My young friend Kristen has posted 30 random and obscure facts about herself on her blog and so I though I might copy her and do the same just to liven things up a bit.

1. Despite all outward appearances I am really a pretty insecure person, I hide it well most days

2. I tell people I didn't want any children but secretly we tried and it just didn't happen and now I am thankful it didn't as my husband requires more attention than any child and I think a child would resent that.

3. I read all 4 of the Twilight books and I didn't hate them.

4. I have read all 7 of the Harry Potter books and LOVED them.

5. I am probably going to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1 today because I can't wait much longer.

6. I love The Biggest Loser - and I aspire to get off the couch and get working at it one day, but I also secretly think about gastric bypass and how that might be the easier route.

7. I am a Christian, I don't attend church as often as I should but I do work with the youth group religiously. I get much more from our youth group meetings and the kids than a regular service.

8. I dream of building a barn and having a goat farm.

9. I am an officially licensed Dairy Goat judge and have been for 18 years.

10. I have an MBA and sometimes think about going back to school again for more degrees

11. Despite #10 I am not a highly ambitious person anymore, I would love to be a housewife and a student rather than have a career.

12. I am a dog person - love the unconditional love you get from a canine companion.

13. I am also a cat person - adore the independent spirit of a cat and how the deign to love you despite your imperfect humanness.

14. I am a waitress - part time - and have been off and on for years. Of all the jobs I've had I think I love waitressing the most, people are typically happy and having fun and I get to have fun with them.

15. There are mistakes I've made that I would totally go back and change if I could, even if it means I'm a different person today because of it. Maybe ESPECIALLY if it would change who I am today.

16. I am a republican, conservative, and not ashamed of it. I don't talk politics because I consider it a waste of time, but I am not ashamed of what I believe in.

17. I am pro-life and proud of it. I am working on a trip for our youth group to take them to the 2011 March for Life on January 24th. I think it's an experience they will never forget and will change them for the better.

18. I love to sing, I once dreamed of being a professional singer when I was very young and a big fish in a very tiny puddle. I still love to sing but I know I'm not all that.

19. I wish I could play an instrument and I own a keyboard and a guitar and cannot play either.

20. I am stubborn, very, very stubborn when pushed.

21. I can be very competitive when challenged. A competitor in my job (a competing paper) recently challenged me and I told her straight out "game on"! I want to crush her.

22. I love Facebook - and spend too much time on there

23. I twitter too but am mostly over twitter, just do it now and again and have cut back on who I read.

24. I have been married 10 years, things are far from blissful these days. :(

25. I recently found out that I qualify for free healthcare through the VA because of my husbands disability. As long as I stay married to him it's for the rest of my life.

26. I say I can't stand reality TV but I watch Survivor again.

27. I was a LOSTie and I am very sad without LOST every week. I was not thrilled with how it wrapped up and ended.

28. I am tired most of the time, would sleep 15 hours a day if I could. Maybe it's depression?

29. I dream of getting on a plane for a tropical destination with a suitcase full of good books and my bathing suit and sunscreen. I would lay under an umbrella by a pool sipping frozen fruity concoctions and reading for a week. I would not tell anyone where I was going.

30. RE #29 I'm not sure I would come back.

Hell Froze Over

Seriously, my husband admitted he was wrong about something major. It might be a first for him.

I went back to work full time about 4 weeks ago and I am no longer home to be at his beck and call, to drive him to everything he needs/wants to go to. He has driven himself to the VA twice without major incident (which is great because I was afraid he couldn't managed that) BUT he doesn't like it. He wants me to go with him, wants me to be able to go to Ohio for a week or more at Christmas and I can't because I don't have vacation time yet. He admitted that I was right in my original desire to only work part time so I could be available to take him all these places.

Now I'm working too much and I'm tired all the time and I don't want to go places or do things with him. I just don't feel like doing anything after I've spent all day in my car driving around and talking to people and being rejected over and over (I sell advertising and for every yes I get there are 10 no's). When I get home I want to relax, make some dinner, watch TV and not deal with people. He has been home all day and wants to go out to eat or to Walmart or Target just to get out of the house.

Something will have to give 0r maybe I will just get used to it all but my crazy schedule has me home only 2 nights during the week and on those nights the husband wants to make me go out too and I have to revolt.

Get out there today and VOTE!

Whatever your political leanings - get out there today and exercise the right to vote! For those of us who are of the female persuasion it was a hard earned right and has been less than 100 years since some very brave women fought and were horribly persecuted in their quest to earn that right for us - let's use it!

Happy Halloween!

Things you see in a small town...

So far I really am enjoying my new job - I am out and about 95% of my time in my car driving from business to business asking for advertisements. My success rate is low but I'm just starting out and many of these people will make me do face time - I will have to see stop in to see them week after week after week before I may be rewarded with their advertising. I can handle that.

So in my travels the last two weeks here are some strange things I've seen:

• A man with a fishing pole sitting on a bench on main street, as I walked by he winked at me and I said "catch anything?" and laughed - his reply "maybe - you are the first nibble I've had all day" LOL!
• Today was 75 degrees out - a beautiful sunny warm fall day - there was the lady in the down parka walking along main street.
• A few days ago saw a guy mopping the sidewalk in the middle of the bridge over the river, no water or bucket just him and a mop swirling it around on the concrete. Weird.
• There is the guy who drives his riding lawnmower around town, have seen it parked at the bank, the diner, the grocery store, yep AWESOME!
• And today I saw a woman in a motorized wheelchair laden down with bags of laundry and a basket of laundry in her lap, she could hardly see around it all as she drove up main street toward the laundromat.

Yes you indeed see some very odd sights in small towns.

It was an up and down kinda week...

I started my new job on Wed - UP, but my husband didn't get to to go his adaptive sports lunch because it was on Wed and he decided not to drive himself - DOWN (good he didn't drive himself but sad I couldn't take him).

On Thursday - Day 2 of the new job and only a 5 hour day - UP, after a nap went to restaurant for shift and had a great night - UP. Friday at 6:30am alarm ringing - DOWN!

Husband scheduled an appointment on Thursday next week which is not a day I can manage to take off work so I arrange for my parents to take him. He pitches a royal fit about not wanting to be dependent on my parents for anything. I tell him he's an ass and then tell my parents I may not need them as I want to go with and am going to try and reschedule his appointment. But I can't -so Friday my husband concedes that when the appointment can't be moved he can let my parents drive him.

Friday night at the restaurant - sucky. DOWN :(

Saturday - spent the evening with my nephews - they are so cute and happy and full of life - BIG UP!

Sunday - slept in, laundry, made beef stew - UP. Felix the cat is sick - poor Felix - DOWN.

Starting week 2 of the new job tomorrow and now I'm on my own - so time to show what I can do. UP!

Just a quick update...

I got the job - 32 hours a week, flexible hours/days, base salary covers what I made from unemployment, mileage is paid, commission on sales made too, I am super hopeful and ready to get started next Wed is my first day!

Had a great night at the restaurant tonight - made up for not making a great deal last night - lots of great tippers tonight made me $22 an hour while I was there - AWESOME!

Tomorrow - off to Six Flags - hoping for a GREAT day with friends and hubby.

Goodnight interwebs - things are looking up a bit.

Having a better week...

Have had one job interview (for a job I did not get) on Wed and another on Friday for a job I hope to get still.

Husband has not mentioned moving to Ohio once this week.

Saturday we are going to Six Flags with some friends and taking the kids from our youth group band. Sunday we are spending the day with our friends who are part of the youth group band/leadership group. Sunday night we are back to youth group at 6pm and my good friend who is the youth minister and I will be making pizza for the kids all afternoon while my husband and her husband will be playing XBox and doing things boys do. :)

Hopefully I will soon be back to work - the job I am interviewing for tomorrow is one that I did 18 years ago and at that time was too young, too insecure, too green to really do well. But now? I can kill this job - I have more skills, more confidence, more people skills, and I will be able to relate to people as a peer and not as some kid right out of school. :) It is 32 hours a week mostly on the road locally and flexible so will fit my life much better than full time 8-5 in an office.

So here's hoping that soon I will be employed again and that things continue an upward trend.

I'm going to pretend nothing is happening here...

that is what my husband does when he does not want to answer a question or face the music - he pretends he didn't hear it or didn't do it, etc.

So I'm pretending that he isn't trying to force me to do what he wants.

His latest is that he can't drive after dark. So he's trapped at home with darkness coming earlier and earlier each day. But you can bet if he ran out of cig's he'd drive after dark to go get them - just not to come for dinner while I'm at work. It's okay I can keep up this game for awhile.

When he starts to really push and insist we list the house is when it will have to come to harsh reality. I have to wonder if I force him to choose which he would choose? I mean he is trying to force me to choose. So will he choose his mom or me? And does she really want him full time? I know the answer to that NO SHE DOES NOT!

It may be time to have a heart to heart with his mom and let her know my bottom line. If he's coming to Dayton he's coming without me and he will be her responsibility. She may start encouraging him to stay put.

But until his VA claim is settled - if it's in his favor - there is no way he can afford to go so now I find myself hoping the VA continues to drag it's collective feet.

Cover Letter Worked After All...

I will be having a phone interview on Thursday for this job that I sent the cover letter in for.

Now I have another dilemma - I also just applied for a Director of Marketing position - one that will likely take a long time to go through the steps if I'm considered. The job that I have the interview for will likely be decided quickly and if I get offered it I should take it. BUT the other job is a career and I would have to take it if I got the chance.

The dilemma is after my talk of loyalty and all that jazz if I got a better offer and I left would that make me an extreme hypocrite?

And am I counting my chickens before I even have the eggs that might hatch some day?

Heart to Heart....

Last night my husband and I talked - for the most part he stayed calm but he is very adamant that he wants to go back to Ohio and I'm pretty tied to NOT doing that.

He told me that he thought it would be easier for me to find a job there. I asked him if I found a full time job here would he lay off? He said he would.

I'm on a mission. I am NOT leaving my family behind again to go be near his family who he doesn't even really like. They are pressuring him to come home when he talks to them and I don't appreciate that. For 7 years we lived in a house about 40 minutes drive from where his sister and now his mother live. His mom would come down to visit the sister and they would NEVER come visit us. In 7 years his family came to our house 2 times! We always had to go to them and then we would hear stories about how they went to the casino and drove within a mile of our house but couldn't be bothered to call and see if we wanted to go or to stop by and say hello. One time they stopped and got off the highway to go to an antique store at the end of our subdivision - they were just a minute from our house and they did not call or stop by.

We have lived in NY for 5 years and they have never made the trip to see us although they promise to every year. We always have to go to them - ALWAYS.

In the 10 years I lived in Cincinnati - my parents came out 4 times, my sister 6 times, granted not a lot of times but it was a 12-14 hour drive and they did make the effort. His family drove right by and never did. I see my family 2-3 times a month sometimes more - we live a mile apart but they do not intrude or hover. I think things are great. My husband claims that he takes the back seat to my family. He claimed a lot of things that aren't true last night - bottom line he wants to go back to Ohio and it doesn't matter what I want and he will say all manner of hurtful and untrue things if he thinks it will get him his way.

So why on earth would I want to totally uproot my life? I don't.

If I get a full time job and this nonsense doesn't stop? Well I guess he can go without me and I'll be just fine.

Trying not to get discouraged...

The great cover letter I wrote last week in application for a local job didn't get a call back. The deadline for applications was last Friday and I felt confident and hopeful. I thought I'd get a call early in the week to at least set up an interview and talk to me - I mean what could just talking to me hurt? But it seems once again I won't even get the call after really pouring myself into that letter.

I just don't get it. :(

Depression...

I think that many of this weeks major drama's have come because of my husband's birthday - it was Tuesday and he turned 44 years old. I think he's feeling his age and is depressed because he's getting older, getting less and less capable and more and more dependent on me. He knows it, I know it. His way of fighting it is to fight me. Well if that is what he wants to do.

I did plan a trip for his birthday and we are going to Springfield, MA for 2 days. Day one will be the NBA Hall of Fame and then we will check into a nice hotel with a 2 person hot tub in the room for 2 nights. The second day we are going to attend the Big E - Eastern States Exposition - basically like the state fair for all of New England, a big deal. Another night in the hopefully fabulous hotel and then back home.

I need some time away and hoping that husband will leave his attitude and his mean spirit at home and that we might really have a nice time.

Here's hoping.

The Big D...

No not getting one - not yet anyway. But my husband throws that word out expecting me to panic and back down and give him his way. I have told him that I don't believe in divorce and I won't do it -but when he's being a jerk and picking a fight and I'm not backing down or giving in he throws that word in there as a threat, to manipulate, to break my will.

It doesn't work anymore. He throws it in there and I start thinking of how my life could be if I didn't have to be a constant caregiver to someone who treats me with disrespect and disdain. I start to think about doing what I want and going where I want and only having myself to worry about.

I still don't plan to divorce him - but that word no longer has the power to reduce me to a quivering mess of tears. I won't plead. I won't cry. If he insisted and left today I would miss what we had long ago - but I already miss that.

Tired of holding it all together...

I fight to hold it all together, to keep things going the way I want them to go, and to keep all the balls in the air, the plates spinning, etc. And some days I just want to forget it all.

Yesterday my husband tells me he wants to move back to Ohio and suggests that perhaps if I don't want to go that we should go our separate ways. He throws out the D word when being obstinate but for the first time I actually said - maybe that would be best. He kind of shut up then.

And yet I think if he really pushes this I will plant my feet and refuse to budge. We moved here because he didn't want to be in Cincinnati anymore and when I suggested coming here he was fine with it. Now he doesn't like it but I have no plans to move again. I have my family here to support me as he continues to deteriorate and if I get to Ohio with his family and he decides to be a total jerk well then I don't have my support system and honestly we can't afford to move.

I feel like if he could show me that he could be the husband I used to have again, the one that was kind most of the time, the one that said thank you sometimes and I'm sorry sometimes, well maybe for that guy I would consider moving again. But for the guy that I live with day to day now? Nope I'm not going to go, and honestly I'm not sure I want to try and hold it all together anymore. If it falls apart - it does - and I can say I tried, I truly did, but I just can't keep it up. I'm tired.

Turning over a new leaf...

It's fall and the leaves are changing here much sooner than I'd care for, but I've got the spirit of change raging in me. It's time to make so many changes in my life.

I've applied for a job - likely full time. It would pay less than 1/2 of my last full time job and yet it would be close to home and much more fun I think. Deadline for applications is the 17th so I'm not sweating the fact that I didn't get a call back that same day after my wickedly awesome cover letter was sent. :)

I started taking a weekly exercise class - and we all know that once a week is not enough so I'm trying to get in some other workouts during the week. Today is a beautiful fall day and I am planning to take a walk either with my neighbor or my dog - but one way or the other I will get in 30 minutes of walking time. Tomorrow looks like rain - perhaps a day of wii fit would be good? Shooting for 30 minutes a day 3-5 days a week to start.

I need to do a nice fall cleaning job in my home - get it ready to be shut up for the winter, need to air it out now while I still can. I hate cleaning - HATE IT and when I had a good job I paid a cleaning lady once a week. I cannot really justify that when I'm home most days but if I start to work full time I might consider it again although I know my husband would fight that so it might not be worth the fight.

So in the spirit of not jumping into more than I can handle today's tasks are - clear the kitchen counter, wet mop the floor, and take my walk. I can handle that. :)

A wing and a prayer...

There is a job advertised in a business in my small town - it is for a woman business owner that is known to be smart, savvy, compassionate, and funny. I am interested in this position although if you look at my resume it is definitely beneath my skills and education. I want the chance to talk to this woman because I think she would feel for my situation and give me a chance. I know I could be a great thing for her business too. I've applied for several local positions that would be the same - beneath my skills but I am willing and yet they don't even call me back. So this time I wrote this cover letter hoping to get her to at least talk to me:

Dear Business Owner,

I would like to be considered for your Data Entry & Processing Specialist position. I am smart, mature, educated, and funny. You will find me loyal and hard working and extremely speedy. I once completed a data entry project that was slated to take 6 months in just over 6 weeks, this was unfortunate as I worked myself right out of that temporary position. I type 70+ WPM and am highly accurate, I'm smart enough to question things that just don't make sense rather than just type what I see as some data entry clerks I've worked with in the past.

You may wonder why someone with my education level and experience is applying for this level of a job, and in past cover letters I have focused on my qualifications and not gotten the call back I had hoped for. So I am going to be very honest with you - yes I do have an MBA and years of Marketing experience. I also have a disabled veteran husband who depends on me for many things. He is self sufficient day to day but I don't feel comfortable being 50-60 miles away in case of emergency and Albany is where those level jobs are at. I need flexibility in my scheduling because every 4 weeks I need an afternoon to take him to the VA Hospital in Albany for appointments. I need to work for someone who will understand this responsibility and respect me for it.

What I can offer you? Loyalty, Smarts, Computer Expertise (Word, Excel, PowerPoint, Access and more), a friendly face in your office, a professional presence in your business. I am also quite confident that I can do a job that would take the average person 40 hours in 30 hours per week. I don't think you would be disappointed in my performance if you gave me a chance.

If you are interested in discussing further I can be reached at home-phone or cell-phone. I do hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

~Tricia

Oh Yeah....

Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone.

That about sums up this cold, rainy, nasty Monday in which I feel that I'd love to sleep for a month.

Hope and Despair

The hope part - I got the part time gig - but it's way more part time than I had thought based on the ad. The job will only be 10-15 hours a MONTH! But it's with a marketing company and it's a marketing job so it will help my resume to not completely die. Also there are other companies that do the same job for other clients/brands and I can have more than one job at a time, many reps work for 3-4 or more and get paid 3-4 times for the same hour of work. Sounds good to me! :) I'm working on finding those other jobs now.

The despair part - I was listening to a song about loss, losing a loved one and saying goodbye especially. And I thought how cut and dried that was and how though no one really knows what to say they do somehow find the right thing. When your loved one slips away a little at a time and turns into someone you don't recognize and sometimes don't like and yet is still there and present physically? Well people have no clue what you are going through and if they do they don't know what to say. I'm not supposed to grieve my husband because he is alive and in my bed each night and yet this man that I am married to bears no resemblance (other than the physical) to the one I married 10 years ago most days.

Every once in awhile the old guy peeks out, shows kindness, shows compassion, shows love. Those are the moments that keep me going.

Things are looking up...

Dare I hope?

I applied for a part time job that would pay me more than unemployment, I got an email asking to set up a phone interview this week. I am hoping it happens today. This job would be a home office based job, would require traveling in a 30 mile radius from my home to do work in various retail stores. It would be flexible so I will be available for trips to the VA for my husband. It has benefits, insurance, 401K, etc. Occasionally I would get to go to sales meetings, etc. It would be a great way to make some money without doing the 60 hour a week thing.

I finally found the business owner for the "dream job" proposal in his storefront on Saturday and I was able to talk to him for a few minutes, handed off my proposal which he said looked great and we are going to get together to meet about it at the end of the month. HUGE POTENTIAL there!

Plans & Prosperity

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Despite being unemployed for over a year, despite my husband's disability and his unemployment status, despite fears of financial ruin and failure that my parents have had on my behalf, things are well here.

My husband hasn't worked since Oct 2008 and I've been unemployed since June 2009 and yet we have everything we need, some things we want, and have not fallen behind on a thing. His disability with the VA was approved in the nick of time, his SSDI was approved in only 3 months time, and my unemployment has kept us going.

I can only credit this to the fact that someone is looking out for us and I am thankful.

Not Destined to be a Waitress...

I have applied for several jobs in the past month that would be a lunch or a breakfast and lunch waitress. I am currently working part time as a waitress, I have lots of experience waiting tables, I have been a trainer, I have been a manager, I should be a shoe in . Neither place has called me - at one place I even got to talk to the manager and she seemed like she might hire me. It's been over a week with no call so I guess not.

I can't say I'm heartbroken over this - I really do not want to be a career waitress. But I feel like maybe someone is telling me something? Okay God I'm listening - what job is it that you want me to apply for? I'm kind of hoping that it was the legal assistant job I sent my resume in for this week. Would be nice to at least get a call.

Trying to snap out of it...

There has been a job in the local paper for over a month. It's a Legal Assistant - part time - experience preferred. I've been looking at this every week and thinking I should apply. I don't have experience but I am highly educated, have been an assistant before, and have had at least 3 classes in business law which included terminology.

Working for a local lawyer likely means lots of real estate law, divorces, traffic tickets and the like. I think I could easily handle the paperwork surrounding these. I type 70+ wpm and I'm smart and organized. A legal assistant should pay fairly well, even at part time it should be enough to keep us going with me still waiting tables 2-3 nights a week.

So I wrote a cover letter, I printed it out with my resume and an envelope and I'm putting it in the mail today. It's a blind ad - the resume goes back to the paper - so I can't follow up on it but for some reason I have a good feeling. I hope I get an interview so I can show this lawyer that I'd be a great addition to their team - prompt, responsible, smart.

And for me - it's local, short commute! It's part time, so no 60 hour weeks! It could be perfect.

Wish me luck.

p.s. Still hesitating on presentation for "dream" but may try to get that done today as well. Why not? What have I got to lose? (oh yeah the "dream" part.)

In a Funk...

For several days now I've been in a funk. Part of the problem is a summer cold I managed to catch that has made me feel icky. Part of the problem is second guessing decisions and wondering if I'm really making major mistakes. The pool is in, but it's been raining and cold since so I can't swim in it. I worry that I shouldn't have spent the money on the pool after all but it's done now.

I applied for a job on Thursday and fully expect to be hired - BUT not sure I want it. It's no career, it's breakfast and lunch waitress at the Holiday Inn - not exactly something to be thrilled about. My schedule would be 7am to 2pm 3-4 days a week. No way of knowing how much I'll really make until I do it. Just got a bit depressed staring at my framed MBA diploma and thinking about being a waitress.

Today went to church in the AM and then to eat with some friends, my husband was having a bad day and made a bit of a scene in the restaurant which was embarrassing. To make matters worse the restaurant is owned by the sister of the woman who owns the restaurant where I work so I know word will get around. These are the days when I wish myself single in the worst possible way. And yet I really don't want that - I just want my old husband back - never going to happen though.

Just the other day I heard a song that I had considered singing at our wedding 10 years ago. I wanted to actually sing it to him at the wedding but decided I couldn't hold it together for that. This song made me sob big ole wracking sobs - and made me feel very guilty for not always keeping the promise I made. This in sickness stuff is so hard sometimes.

From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on

From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on

I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on

You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you

From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment
I will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

Coming Soon to My Backyard

So I decided that it's time to get something I really want, something I have wanted for YEARS. We had the money and I decided a pool was more enticing than a 7 day cruise and long term I'd get much more enjoyment out of it. So sometime in the next few days this is going to be installed in my backyard.

I see pool parties, afternoons floating with a book, maybe a suntan (or maybe not?) and hours of fun. And for years to come I will LOVE my pool.

It's definitely summer this week...

It's been in the 90's for days with high humidity and heat indexes in the 105 range - I have thanked GOD every day this week for my central air conditioning! And I have appreciated friends with a swimming pool who invited us over to swim a few times.

I have not had fun at the restaurant this week, it's a pizza place and we don't have central air, only stand alone units that don't make a dent in it. Because of this fact hardly any customers braved it this week and that is okay with me, it was 98 degrees in the dining room on Thursday (no lie) and I didn't want to have to move from the AC unit I had blowing right on my neck. It finally rained last night and it's somewhat cooler today but it will still be insane in there tonight and that is where I'm heading.

Updates - husband's SSDI got approved in May (after only 3 months) which has eased my concerns about finding full time work. My unemployment is extended through mid-September at least and I won't know until then if it's going to be extended again. I am looking for jobs - but finding anything closer to home that pays decent is turning out to be near impossible. A full time job about 20 miles from home that will want me to put in 110% effort but pays 1/2 of my former salary just doesn't appeal to me. Part time positions seem to be scarce at any pay scale. I applied for a lunch server position at another local restaurant and didn't even get a call - guess the owner didn't find me appealing. :(

My plans are to keep looking - and enjoy the summer because I think full time work is in my future again in the fall, maybe less stressful and definitely less lucrative but it seems I will need to do it if a part time position doesn't come up.

I do have one pipe dream/long shot that I'm working on. It involves a proposal to some very cosmopolitan guys from NYC who have become gentlemen farmers in our area. They have a TV show actually on one of the many Discovery Network channels and I have a skill that they are in desperate need of. The problem is they don't know they need me - YET - but I'm working on changing that. It could solve a whole heap of my problems if they agree that they need my skills and it could be VERY good for them too. So fingers crossed and maybe more info later on that one. I hope to make preliminary contact this coming week and schedule a face to face to lay out my proposal.

New Friends...

So yesterday's post was about an old friend (well 5ish years) that disappointed me recently BUT today's is about a new friend that I'm coming to count on more and more.

We met about a year and a half ago at church. She's quite a bit younger than me (12 years to be exact as she shares my birthday) but we have similar interests. She really pursued me for friendship asking me to lunch, to go shopping, to hang out, and this was kind of new for me. Usually I'm the one that makes the effort. She told me she's never really had many close friends which is hard to believe as she is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, and more. Being around her made me feel my shortcomings more acutely at first until I realized that she doesn't see them. She truly likes me for me and has no expectations that I should change to be more like her (I wish I could).

Her husband grew up with a similar background to me - Christian School, Christian College, Church, Youth Group, Sheltered for sure. So we have a bit of a bond there - he's a great guy and he and my husband get along well. They talk about video games and music and sports and things guys talk about. My husband really likes him a lot which is an amazing plus. We have couple friends something that we have never really managed to do.

Having them in our lives is good for us, hopefully we are good for them too. I know that despite our lack of talent they do aspire to be more like us financially - home ownership specifically. :) Right now they rent an apartment in her parents house and it's good but they do want to buy their own place some day.

And when I say talent I mean TALENT - they have a band that is amazing and write all their own music. She is a former dancer (10 years in a company) and now has her own dance studio that she teaches classes for ages 2 to adult. She sings in the band, she plays violin, guitar, piano, she teaches voice. She draws, paints, sculpts, sews, and more. There isn't anything she can't do. Her husband is a fantastic guitarist - he is teaching my husband how to play. And he's making progress, my husband who has difficulty retaining new information is actually learning and can now read music and play some basic stuff on his guitar. Now that is TALENT to be able to get him to retain this stuff.

So these are our fantastic new friends - even our dogs are friends! They have a yellow lab too and the two dogs LOVE to run and play together.

My greatest fear in this friendship? Someday they will have a baby and my guess is all this will change dramatically. Guess we'll see.

Things that eat at me...

Trying not to be bothered - BUT - a good friend, a best friend, who said she wouldn't miss my birthday party for the world - bailed on my birthday party this past weekend. Her son had a baseball game at 3:30 (party was 4pm until ??? and food wasn't served until 6:30) and she had a hectic week so after they were just going to lay low. Well rain ensured the game was canceled so I guess they just laid low all night? Her son was also invited to the party so it wasn't about spending time with him.

The reason I'm kinda bothered is that her birthday was in April and she also threw herself a party, and I worked a double shift that day - 11:30 am until 10:30 pm and then I rushed to her party and stayed out until 2am partying with her because no matter how hectic I wouldn't miss her party.

I guess I'm finding out who loves more in this one. :( She often tells me how hectic it is being a single mom and I get it, really I do BUT I wish that I thought she understood that being married to a disabled man is no picnic and while her dependent is growing more and more independent by the day the opposite is happening to mine.

I had a great day, a great party, and I have great friends. Just found out that one I had ranked up there in the top 5 of friends maybe doesn't see me quite the same way. :( But I will get over it and forgive and hope to be a higher priority next time but won't hold my breath.

Well I've arrived...

I've joined the over forty crowd. It's not so bad, I don't feel any different, don't look any different. I find I don't mind at all. :)

I threw a party on Saturday - a rain drenched BBQ that ended up in my garage BUT it was a great time with family and friends.

And now that the preparations are over and the clean-up is getting there, I find that 40 is no different than 30. Not quite ready to say "bring on 50 though" not at all! :) I plan to enjoy this decade!

Gina dreams of running away...

Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi has always been a favorite song of mine. When I was younger I focused on the hopeful parts - "we're half way there", "we're gonna make it I swear", etc. Yesterday I heard this song and latched onto the phrase that is the title of this post.

"Gina dreams of running away, she cries in the night..."

I can relate some days, this is not the life I signed up for but running away would solve nothing.

I'm gonna make it - I swear!

The loss of a friend...

I find myself shedding a few tears at the news that a woman I have never met IRL but have known through a forum for about 12 years passed away on Monday after a 2 year battle with lung cancer. We were not close friends but long time acquaintances and part of a shared community.

She was a strong woman, life handed her a lot of setbacks and yet she never gave up. I saw her find a way to do so many things that seemed impossible, to buy a house, to get her nursing degree while being a single mom, to fight for her daughter to get the best education possible, to fight for her son to get the help he needed for bipolar disorder. And finally she spent 2 years fighting the cancer that finally took her life. She was a non-smoker who was diagnosed with lung cancer and she fought bravely to live and to educate others that sometimes you cannot avoid lung cancer and not to assume you are safe if you don't smoke.

I know some would find it odd that hearing of her passing would make me cry since I really did not know her, but this virtual world that we live in these days allows us to know people we would never have known otherwise. I love these virtual friends and the input they have had on my life.

At the same time I am thrilled that another forum/blog friend who I have known for more than 10 years and I may finally meet IRL next month. I'll save that for another post as it is a much happier subject but the point is a friend is a friend even if you've never met face to face, you can laugh with them, cry with them, and mourn their loss. Today I am mourning Laurie.

Giving up...

One of the things that drives me nuts is that my husband gives up on things too easily. A recent example of this is bowling.

He used to be very good at bowling, he had this sort of running approach, where he threw the ball so it just skimmed the right gutter and then hooked back in to make a killer strike much of the time. The MS has taken many things from him, he no longer has the strength or stability in his legs to even attempt to throw the ball this way. So for years he has just not bothered to bowl.

Last Saturday night one of our dear friends had a bowling birthday party for herself - it was great fun. We got there very late as I was working at the restaurant but to my surprise my husband wanted to bowl. (and to my disgust he had gone out that day and bought new bowling shoes cause he couldn't find his old ones - more on that later)

As I said we got there late - he got added to one of the lanes but they shut us down before he got to bowl more than 3 frames (yeah $50 shoes for 3 frames of bowling). For those 3 frames he attempted to use his old approach style and nearly fell over, he threw gutter balls, he was mortified. I think he was glad the game got called early.

So the next day we are out and decide to eat lunch at our local bowling alley - I suggest we should try to bowl a few games where he has no audience and can work on adapting his methods to bowl without using his legs so heavily. He was discouraged, got nasty with me when I made suggestions because I suck at bowling and who am I to tell him what to do, etc.

I think he needs to walk up to the line, and learn to use his arms and upper body to throw the ball, probably can't do the crazy hook thing and just throw it straight into the pocket. He keeps trying to throw the crazy hook and at least 50% of the time he lands it in the gutter.

I say that someone who hasn't bowled in 15 years MS or not can't expect to pick right up where he left off. Yeah that didn't go over well either.

So I doubt he'll go do it again, even though I think he could learn how to bowl well again if he would just try to adapt. He is discouraged because he sucked and probably won't try again.

Which leads me to - he knew he can hardly walk and would probably suck at it - and he couldn't just wear rental shoes for one night? REALLY? I mean we're broke and he spends $50 on shoes he wore for a grand total of an hour and it looks like he'll never try again.

The whole darned thing annoys me. GRRRR

trying to heal the brokenness inside...

I heard this song for the first time yesterday:



I cried.

Then I came home and was filing my unemployment claim for the week and realized that I don't fall into all that emergency UI that others get for up to 99 weeks. 46 weeks is it for me, unless they make further extensions I will be done with unemployment in the end of May. I'm terrified - what will I do after that?

I suppose getting a job is the obvious choice, but then how will my husband get to his VA appointments? Who will make sure he's eating lunch, not doing crazy things? The bottom line is I just don't want to go back to full time work but unless one or both of my husbands open claims gets settled in his favor we cannot possibly afford for me to not work full time. :( The idea of going back to my career is not exciting, it's terrifying. I just don't want to do it anymore, don't want to get up early and drive to a job that I just have no passion for. Let's face it I don't have passion for anything right now.

I need to do something to try and heal this brokenness inside me, and yet I don't know where to start.

Spring is here...

The weather outside is beautiful, getting warmer heading toward a killer weekend. It's Easter weekend and we have no plans, nothing to do with anyone, family is all out of town. Not sure what we'll do - I'd say relax but we've been doing a bit too much of that lately.

Maybe we'll go out to dinner and take in a museum or a movie or something.

In other news still have not completed my taxes. I just don't feel up to it and I now have 14 days left to finish. I am getting a rather large refund, but I can't spend it - it has to go to the roof.

I am still addicted to WoW and playing regularly- up to level 50 on my main character.

I found out a friend of mine got a job that I was heavily recruited for. Makes me think it could have been mine if only I'd just snapped my fingers. Problem was it's an hour and 20 drive and I just DON'T want to go that far to then work 50 hours a week on top of it so I declined to interview. Good for her, I should be happy for her. I'm having a hard time mustering the happiness.

I bought a choker collar for my dog - I will teach him to walk on a leash like a properly trained dog if it kills both of us. So far he's getting it much faster now. Tip for dog training: teach them to walk nice on a leash before they weigh 110 pounds!

That's about it - just kinda blah even though the weather is turning around. Need to try and work on that.

Le Meow...

This is Felix - thankfully he is a sweet, cuddly and forgiving cat. We were bored on Monday and I found a Sharpie. Nuff said.

Mustache is already gone today, he furiously washed his face all night I think? :)

I've really been neglecting my blog

I must admit internet I have a new addiction. Something that takes me out of the world I live in for a few hours at a time and immerses me in a whole different world. A world where I get to be totally badass and blast the living daylights out of things that get in my way. I tell you it is super satisfying to just take down the monsters one by one. I wish it was that easy in real life to just eliminate the monsters.

My new addiction? World of Warcraft

Really...

I know, who would have ever thought it? I certainly never had any interest in role player games before. The idea of sitting at a computer for hours playing a game where I shoot things and kill then certainly never appealed before.

I started playing for my husband. He started playing and wanted me to play with him. So I took the 10 day free trial offer and at first I really wasn't that into it. Then I played some more, and some more. Now I am more into than he is. I am higher level than he is. My character can kick his character's ass! WOOT - but mostly I play with him and help him with his tasks.

Totally not my thing, I've never been a gamer, but I guess I am now?

The downside to all this - the only reason I am higher level and needing to help my husband in this game is because the MS has taken this away from him. He was the gamer, always playing things like Diablo or Half Life, etc. He was good at it. Not anymore. He can't follow the maps, he gets lost, he gets confused, he gets frustrated. He needs me to play with him. I enjoy playing on my own much more - with other friends and people who don't get lost, frustrated and aren't in the next room screaming at me to help them. I kinda wish he'd give up on it since it's so frustrating for him. But I don't think I can give up - not yet anyway.

So dear internet - this is where I have been. Running around disguised as a troll in a fantasy world for hours every day.

If you want God to laugh at you make some plans...

Life never turns out how you plan - over the years I've had many plans. In my teens and early 20's my plans included going to college, getting married, a family, a career, I was going to have it all. I spent my 20's single and mostly loving life and having a great time. I did go to college but didn't graduate and get a fabulous job with a big salary. I always had a job and eventually I got into the field of work I wanted and worked my way up those corporate ladders.

I got married shortly after turning 30 but never did start that family and its for the best really.

I went to grad school and got an MBA with dreams of screaming my way right up that corporate ladder into a six figure salary and a corner office. I started working on this dream and had made several key moves that would get me there.

Then my husband's MS took a turn for the worse, and my priorities changed. All of a sudden the long hours and travel required to climb that ladder wasn't possible and the ladder wasn't important anymore. I took a job with more flexibility and a bigger paycheck but no real future for me, and I hated it.

My time became consumed with disability applications and doctor's appointments, and then I lost the job I hated and found myself on unemployment for the first time. It was such a complete turn around from the corporate go-getter I was just 3 years ago.

These days I sleep in, I go for walks with my dog, I surf the net, I bake, I clean, I cook. I drive my husband to appointments and speak for him when he can't find the words. I advocate for him, I fight for what he deserves. It's funny I used to wonder what stay at home mom's did all day - now that I am basically a housewife and caregiver I wonder how I used to have time to work 50 hours a week.

Now my plans are shifting - and I'm more flexible. I still want to do some entrepreneurial stuff and have started a small website that I'm just not finding the time to work on and need to make the time. I'm looking at part time work from home opportunities and finding they are out there but the competition seems fierce so I'm not having a lot of luck yet but I keep trying.

Now my worries are - someday, when being a caregiver is not my primary job - will I have any job skills left? Will anyone hire me then? So planning to do some volunteer work to keep skills up and hopefully socking away cash when I can so I have a nest egg and hoping I don't have to worry about this for decades!

So despite the fact that my plans never seem to pan out - I keep making them. Gives me something to do.! :)

Celebrating Hope for Haiti

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January Thaw...

We had our January Thaw last week - several days in the high 30's and much of the snow melted. Then last night we got another 2-4", haven't been outside yet so I'm not sure how much we have exactly. I'll find out this afternoon when I have to go run the snow blower.

I've been cooking my way through January, making bread, cookies. chili, attempting to use my new George Foreman Grill successfully. All this baking of bread has caused my weight to start creeping up the past week which sucks as I had lost 15lbs since losing my job - lovingly referred to as "15lbs of unhappiness and misery" but fresh baked bread is adding them back one at a time.

This is unacceptable so I have also been jumping on the wii fit a bit more and trying to work out without having to go outside in the cold. (It may be 35ish out but that is still too cold for me).

So today after I get off my wii fit - I plan to bake banana bread - not exactly the answer to the problem BUT I have two overripe bananas and I don't want to throw them away. So depending on how much I eat I may need to spend a bit more time on the wii fit this week.

Motivation - where are you?

I sure wish you'd come visit me again. Kick me in the butt, get me moving forward again - toward something, toward anything.

This stagnation thing sucks.

I wish...

I wish I was allowed to make a mistake without being berated and belittled for it.

I wish I wasn’t afraid to say anything to someone for fear he overreact AGAIN.

I wish I lived in a place where I was spoken to with respect always or at least most of the time.

I wish anyone appreciated any of the things I do.

I wish someone/anyone would say thank you for anything EVER.

I wish that on a day when I go out of my way to be nice – that someone else could make the effort to just not be nasty.

I wish I hadn’t thrown mean and hateful things back when my feelings were hurt, but I did, because I’m human and there is just so much one human can take.

I wish…

Newsflash....

Last night had an argument with my husband when I came home and smelled cig smoke in the basement while feeding the cats. He decided it was too cold to smoke in the garage so was going in the basement and opening the bilco doors and smoking there.

I told him that if he thought it was too cold to go outside to smoke that he should QUIT and to stop smoking in the basement cause if I smell it in the rest of the house I'm smashing all the cigs and hiding his car keys.

Then I went to bed and he slept on the couch last night.

Fun times.

My Christmas Tree is still up...

Normally I take it down on New Years Day or maybe the day after that. This is a small tree this year, won't take much time to take it down and yet I hesitate to do it. I realized why today.

Last year on the day I took my tree down my sweet cat Anni died. She was sleeping under the tree as I took it down and she came crawling out and literally started dying in front of me.

I have a 21 year old cat that looks like death warmed over. I think in the back of my mind I'm afraid that if I take the tree down he will just keel over like my poor Anni did last year.

This is a ridiculous fear, the cat is 21 years old and I think he's ready to go. I'm mostly ready for him to go, but I guess not as ready as I thought. :(

Here is Mike - my tree stays up in hopes that he can live a few more days...

Herrad gave me an award!

So Herrad a very cool and brave woman who is fighting MS with all her might and writes a great blog called Access Denied - Living with MS has awarded me with the above and I wanted to take a minute to thank her!

I am supposed to award this to other bloggers who fit the bill but honestly I think she named all of those that I regularly follow. So here's the deal - if you are an MS blogger and Herrad did not already give you this award please take it from me as it is well deserved!

And thank you so much Herrad - I do try to fight and advocate for my husband any way I can and I also work with the MS Society to raise money several times a year. So many advances in the past few years and maybe one day a cure?

Today is 01022010 - cool!

And day two of this new year and new decade is going a-okay. Got up around 9 and did the 30 minutes on my wii fit - the goal is to do 30 days straight, making this a habit.

I spent a few hours visiting with my parents yesterday wasn't a lot of fun though since we were talking about my husband's disability and how difficult it is for me to try to keep him in line. He thinks he can do things that he really has no business doing. He insists that he is going to buy a new truck and I have to keep telling him we can't afford it (and I don't want him to have a giant truck to drive around either) and he keeps getting mad and telling me to get job so he can have his truck. GRRRRR

Thinking about going to see Avatar today - want to see it on the IMAX in 3D so that means a trip to Albany - also really coveting a Pandora bracelet and there is a store in that mall. I think I may buy one with a few charms just for fun and a pick me up.

New Day, New Year, New Decade...

And just maybe a new me?

Who knows - I am trying to embrace the potential of all this newness.

Today I did 30 minutes on my Wii Fit - first time in 265 days according to the judgy little guy who talks to you when you stand on it and says things like WHOA when you step on!

I plan to do it again tomorrow, one day at a time but hoping to make it a habit - it really is FUN and I certainly can't claim I don't have time anymore can I? LOL

In other news -well I've got nothing else yet. Starting Monday I am treating getting my business off the ground like a job - and job #1 is cleaning and setting up the office to be conducive to working. That should only take one day if I take it seriously.

Then I need to get down to business, a business plan, registering with SBA, getting a product list set up and priced. Getting the website live and ordering some business cards. Getting a list of prospects ready and starting to schedule some appointments. See one step at a time or I will get completely overwhelmed and just give up. :(

Change is scary, exciting, exhilarating, and more...